Codependent or not

Lately, I was faced with the reality that I tend to become codependent in my relationships. I try my best to please others as in hope to never feel abandoned. In the end, I resent myself. I've heard that in order to get passed a fear, you must confront it. First, I must admit that I am scared to be alone. Though is it more because I don't like who I am or is it that I feel the pain of feeling abandoned as I felt as a child? In truth, I think it is a bit of both.

I admit that I struggle with some of my "traits" such as I blurt out things as I think them.... as a result, I tend to fear what may come out of my mouth. As a child, I still remember feeling shamed by my peers for not comprehending jokes. I still to this day struggle with jokes. I tend to overanalyze jokes to the point of criticizing them. Well, let's just say, this is not a great way to make friends.

As a child, my mother was the one to make me feel inadequate: she withheld her love toward me. Today, I comprehend neither she and or my father had the tools to demonstrate their love toward us (kids). They never hugged us nor said "I love you", instead, as sick as it may sound, we heard criticisms after criticisms. I felt like I was never good enough.

Fear of change or fear of finding my true self

I often say I feel scared, more precisely that I feel as if I live in fear. My friends would say that I am scared of changes. Though in the past few months, as I worked on myself, I realized perhaps others were right: I was scared to find out who I am outside of what I heard growing up.

Recently, I came to admit not only to my friend, myself too, that I was afraid to be feminine. I hided behind the "tomboy" image, as to justify why I always wore the same pair of jeans and only owned a handful of tops. I turned 30 this year, and it has been only in the past year, that I started to wear skirts, shorts and even heels. I still don't wear makeup, and admit, felt reassured when heard others say: "you don't need makeup".

In truth, growing up I feared my mom who was glamorous and feminine. As I grew to "hate" her for all the hurt she caused me, I wanted nothing to do with anything that could remind me of her: alcohol, makeup, Chanel n 5 and even women. Hence, I was a tomboy to avoid all of these. In the past year, I learned I could drink a few sip of wine (still won't drink a full glass) occasionally to accompany my meal. I also learned that I could dress up and look womanly instead of looking like a teenager in her ragged jeans and henley shirts. However, I confess it is not easy and certainly feels out of my comfort zone to do so.

I will make efforts and take steps to grow up into the woman I am meant to be instead of remaining a child scared and living in fear of the shadows from the past.

why is it so easy to hide the truth

Today, I was reminded why I tend to hide the truth. When I fear I will be disappointing someone, I catch myself "lying", I am not proud of it. I am not seeking a way to avoid responsibility though I am willing to bet that many of us do it subconsciously as we fear the possible consequences to our actions: being blamed, shamed and hurt. In other words, I admit I might catch myself lying to avoid being hurt. I fear I will disappoint someone with the truth. I also notice that I sometime do it to hide my ugly truth: who I am. I have no idea who I am and I certainly fear being someone others won't like. This is one of the reason: I am codependent in my relationships.

When it hurts

I confess that I am not doing well. I recently discovered that the person I cared for, was seeing other women on the side. It hurt and hurts even now. Truth is I don't know if I can trust him. I care though I start to wonder  if he even cares about me. I wish I could talk with him and tell him how I feel though I fear his response. I comprehend that my fear is a sign that there is a problem. For one, I fear speaking up for myself as I fear being told it does not matter what I feel. Second, I fear he may get upset with my insecurity and will start arguing with me as my parents did. I dislike fights so I rather keep quiet though keeping my own feelings to myself is also frustrating and unhealthy. I begin resenting having met him. He hurt me and I don't know if he'll stop. I don't want to "lose" him though I also am sick of being played by him and I certainly do not want to lose myself.

Letting go by being honest with yourself

Truth is I am done being treated like "crap". I was naive to the point of wanting to believe that my "friend" cared about me. While I believed his many lies, I also woke up from my bad dream. For instance, on monday morning I found myself crying after he reproached me of making him breakfast. I realized then that I will never be able to live with him. Then he dares text me that he cares and requests to know my whereabouts then he disappears as I wonder if he is with another girl. In truth, I am done of letting him think that he has me wrapped around his finger. He is in for a surprise. I want out as I know I can do so much better.

Wanting more - self respect

I  start to realize  as time elapses, I start learning from my experiences. Perhaps, I finally reached the pint where I had enough? I confess feeling numb at times as if I don't care as much. I obviously care as I speak of it: my past relationship. Though I will confess feeling confused as what are my true feelings. I seem to come to the acknowledgement that I want more and won't settle for less. I want to be respected.

Wanting more - putting yourself first

I find it strange how one can be in denial to protect itself. I thought I knew what I felt and wanted. In truth, I am struggling trying to figure it out. I may love someone though I fear letting myself do so as I fear losing myself and most importantly not get the respect I deserve. I find myself feeling confused. On one hand, I want to let go and love him. On another, I don't know if it is wise to do so, as I begin to think he cannot respect me. As a result, I begin to feel "detached". You see I am tired of pretending and I don't want to play games. There is a part of me that is wanting more, fighting for a better me. It took me a while to figure it out. As I am starting to say "NO" and to set boundaries as well as cut loose these toxic individuals, I start feeling "happier". Though, I will share that I never suspected that would come a time where I wouldn't care as much either. In the end, I am learning that I can love someone though I am loving myself more. Hence, I am not willing to compromise myself anymore. In the past, I would tolerate much, while now I start to think "I deserve better". I suppose I had enough. On Tuesday as my ex made comments as to make me jealous, I felt pain. The pain let me know I don't like it. I confess I don't want to feel such pain again for the rest of my life. I was reminded though during our interaction that he would continue to hurt me if allowed. Whether he intends for it or not, I was hurt and I no longer want to hurt. I suppose when you begin to get healthier, you start wanting more including "respect".

The shame is on me

I recently experienced a heartbreak. The truth is while I hurt at the idea of losing him, my "best" friend, I lost a lot more. I think that the worst thing I lost was not him, but myself. You see I knew he was trouble, I suspected he was a player and would wreck my heart. I fell hard for his lies and accusations. Though the shame is on me for not getting out sooner, preventing my several heartaches. I confess he got me crying too many times, I recall the many nights I fell asleep crying as I felt uncared and unloved by him. I admit I cried hard the week following our break, I had just found out that he had once again lied to my face: he was seeing other girls in my back. I felt betrayed, I had given him my trust against my better judgement. I let myself down as I ignored what I feared and felt deep inside: he was trouble. I could wish I never met him though I also realize that what I came to feel for him was real: I fell hard. I still love him though I am also angry for all the hurt he caused me.

Losing yourself

Recently I acknowledged that I couldn't pretend I was okay, I had been struggling. I would not let go, it seems that as much as I wanted to claim that I wanted nothing to do with my past, my behavior contradicted me. I surrounded myself with people that reminded me of my dysfunctional family: alcoholics or individuals who struggled with their own trauma... It took me a while to "accept" that the only way I would move forward was to let go: say goodbye to these "toxic" individuals. I came to understand that I surrounded myself with individuals that only brought more chaos in my life. I was simply avoiding facing my own chaos by keeping myself more interested in their own chaos. In other words, I was not progressing, I was simply finding a way to avoid getting better. 

I wouldn't let go of my anger and hurt derived from my "childhood". Well, I've got news, I can't change it. I may as well accept that or I can keep hurting myself by choosing insanity. Isn't the definition of insanity: "doing the same thing over and over hoping a different result"? That's what I was doing. I kept hoping I could change these individuals as if I could change my parents. Well, I just found out: I CAN"T and yeah it sucks. Though, let's make it clear now I know there is no point of driving myself crazy. What I mean is I can continue to hope that my mom will apologize and get better or even that my dad will ever acknowledge what happened OR I can take control of my own life. First, I need to grieve my childhood. I can't change it nor pretend it never happened. I need to cease fantasizing that my parents will change or that I can change people. I can only change myself: my own behavior _ I suppose I want to act in my life and cease reacting. I NEED TO LET GO!!! This includes me saying NO and most importantly not surrounding myself with "losers" or "toxic" people. Worst is in the end I hurt myself more. 

I come to understand that avoiding my own problem resulted in more pain. Ultimately running away from it led to myself feeling lost: I lost myself in the process as I denied myself my own needs. 

Seeing the truth

Tonight, I came to realize that I hurt two important people: myself and someone special to me. You see as a codependent individual, I let myself be treated with little respect by that someone special to me. In the end, I sought out "revenge" as I felt neglected and taken for granted. He made me feel as if I could not ever get anybody to like me, he would "joke" that I would never find anyone better than him nor anyone willing to put up with me. So, as an attempt to protect myself, I striked out first: I gave a blow job (no kiss, no sex) to someone. In truth, I was angry at him, I suspected him of cheating on me (btw, he was). He was so controlling to the point of accusing me of cheating on him, of checking my phone, of manipulating me to stay and spend all of my free time with him. If I dreamt of going to the gym, I would hear: "I see you are going to see your other boyfriends... you don't care about me" to the point that I would not go and would stay like a prisoner by his side. I began resenting him. Plus, how many individuals shared with me that his behavior suggested he was cheating. I, of course would make excuses until I had enough. The worst is I did it another last and second time on Valentine's Day. You see he found it funny to torture me and so jokingly texted me that he was canceling our plan to celebrate Valentine's Day together. We also had just returned from a trip to our homeland: France, where we encountered a few situations. Well, I was angry and hurt so being a child and not thinking like an adult: I sought "revenge" as a means to detach myself. I was trying to convince myself that I didn't care. In truth, I felt so much rage toward him for betraying me. So I thought if I did betray him too, I would prove myself that I really didn't care. Well, I did care so no it did not work. Today, he is hurt by my treason and he still does not trust me. Though I comprehend where he is coming from, I am enraged that he does not take any responsibility for his own behavior. I know he cheated and to this day (tonight), he blames me and justifies his own actions  by reminding me that I did wrong. I know that we BOTH are responsible for where we are today. So, I was disappointed to hear as usual that I am the only one at fault.

Letting go and stop fearing peace

A friend pointed out that contrary to my belief, I was not necessarily scared to be happy but scared to find peace. I admit that chaos seems to be my shadow. However, I am proud to say that I made steps toward eradicating "chaos" in my life. Recently, I decided to be honest with myself and stop pitying others. Hence, I had a neighbor who I felt pity for, I asked for my keys back and parted ways. I also chose to say goodbye to a "friend" who is an alcoholic. I suppose I came to realize that trying to go forward when dragging "luggages" (people who are unhealthy) is exhausting and not very effective. I justified my lack of progress by saying I was trying to help them, when in truth I was using them to avoid looking at my own problems. What changed? Well, I am tired of not living my life. I want to go forward and for that to happen, I need to stop my own addiction "getting involved in others' own problem". Surrounding myself with people such as an alcoholic or a loser (neighbor who refuses to help himself) is only holding me back. I made the decision to help myself and as such to part ways with my sickness (surrounding myself with sick people). I comprehend today that saying goodbye to these individuals is not a matter of being selfish but rather a matter of being healthy.

I deserve to take care of myself

In the Red Book (p.139): "I had this fantasy about love. I didn't know how to love myself, so I always looked for men to be my gods. I did anything a man told me to do: I changed my hair; I changed my makeup; I changed my clothes; and I behaved in the way he wanted me to behave. [...] When I left the house and went to work I was a totally different person. I didn't know how to be real. I was a fake. I was abandoning myself. I finally learned that abandoning myself would not take care of my abandonment or rejection issues." Reading this I recognized myself in my past relationships.

I am working on remedying to this. I am figuring out who I am, what I like.  Trying to face my fear and my shame, a friend recommended "Healing the shame that binds you" by John Bradshaw. I ordered it tonight as I comprehend it is supposedly a tool I may benefit from. I want to change. I am changing, no longer abandoning myself.

Welcoming change

Last night, I attended my local ACoA meeting. Something happened: I let go. As strange as it may sound, the lead was on trait 7, the person that spoke shared part of his struggle growing up with his toxic mom. His mom was very similar to my mom. As he spoke, I started crying though the tears felt different, as if I was grieving. I asked for a 1-2-3 meeting afterward. I was informed that I was metamorphosing, changing. I admitted I was not so much "scared" as felt something was different. I struggle with emotions so tried at first to keep my tears, though as they were coming down my face, I felt as if I was letting go of a poison. I can't quite explain it. In retrospect, I felt as if I was grieving part of me: the child inside me who couldn't speak up.
I wish to share that I recently chose to make changes for my own good. I comprehend I cannot change anyone else other than myself. So I am working toward improving myself: cease being in denial about my behavior as an adult. First, I act very much as a "child" and not an adult. I tend to seek ways out whenever facing difficult "painful" situations. If I fear, I run. Well, I can speak from experience, if you truly want to overcome a fear, you must face it. I was scared of motorcycles, so took a riding course. In the end, I enjoyed it so much that I now have a motorcycle. Perhaps, what I fear is not so much what I think I fear, but rather I fear what I think I shouldn't like. Another fear of mine is being alone, so I tend to cling to people. Recently, I chose to let go of someone, as I realized I couldn't be the person I wanted to be for as long as I ran away from my past. While, I confess it was hard to set boundaries, I actually feel much better. I am doing what matters: taking care of myself. I need to spend time to better myself: break the dysfunctional pattern I learned. In other words, I am welcoming change, I wish to uncover my true character and cease being fake.
So, I am grateful for these incredible tears last night, I was grieving. My grief process is setting me free from denial.

Transitioning from a reactor to an actor

In truth, this evening as I walked 4 miles with my dogs, I reflected upon my own response to step 9. As a result, I chose to look at step 8. The Red Book states (p. 232): "We are sweeping off our side of the street regardless of what another has done or not done. We are giving our parents to God, as we understand God. We are freeing them to their choices and their desires. We are separate from them. They have no power over us just as we have no power over them." & (p. 231) "The ACA Solution states: "When we release our parents from responsibility for our actions today, we become free to make healthful decisions as actors, not reactors."
These statements instruct me of an important step: Letting Go and Letting God. All these years, I held on to my parents, I tried to fix them (get them to resonate), change them (manipulate them), and blame them for my own actions (behavior). For instance, I kept telling a friend that the reason I say sorry so much is because I had been conditioned to do so growing up. Though if I understand what these statements are saying then I am just making excuses for my wrong doing and placing the blame on them. In other words, I am not taking responsibility hence I am not acting in my life. If I am truly committed to no longer be a reactor, then I must assume my part of responsibility in my own behavior. To be truly honest, the idea that I can let go of my parents by assuming my own responsibility in my behavior is simply freeing. Of course, I am certain many would disagree and claim that by letting go, I can no longer find an excuse for my wrongs. I disagree. I want to be in control of my life, including my behavior. I mean, yeah, I do things I am not pleased with such as saying "sorry" over and over. However, by actually not hiding my behavior by shifting the reason I do so on my parents, I am simply not taking control of my own life. I am indirectly saying they are still affecting me today as if they were telling me to say sorry now. Well, they are not by my side. I am a grown up person who can make her own decisions. If I shouldn't say "sorry" then I don't have to. Of course, it is a habit I picked up growing up and it isn't easy to change a habit though certainly not impossible. I am motivated to change myself hence, I don't want to keep hiding behind excuses for my poor behavior. If I say "sorry" while it may originate from my learning to do so as a child, I now know the difference and I can't keep blaming my parents for doing so.

Step 9 - making amend to whom?

Tonight, the discussion at ACoA was on step 9. As I understand it, I am seeking to right "MY" wrongs done to others. As it was mentioned, I had myself a difficult time to accept my responsibility in my behavior. I felt until tonight that if I recognized having done wrong then I could justify why others would not love me: I was at fault hence unlovable. Reflecting on my need to ask for forgiveness, I admitted I needed to first accept responsibility in my behavior and seek the consequences. Hence, I shared with the group that I felt a weight on me: regrets for my past behavior. I felt guilty for how I responded to "threats" I perceived from others. For instance, I am currently struggling with my fault in losing the trust of someone I care for. I lied to avoid conflicts (getting reprimanded, yelled at) and really manipulate the other person as to how he would respond to me. While, I am certain it may sound trivial to many of you, I lied about taking my dogs out for a walk as I feared I would be yelled I was stupid for spending so much of my time caring more for my dogs than to better myself. I told that person I was shopping at a near by mall, after dropping him off and promising returning shortly once my shopping completed. Instead, I rushed home to take my dogs out for a walk then dropped them home before meeting that friend. He knew I was lying as he had tracked my phone. I lied to his face, when accused of going home to walk my dogs. In truth, I did panic as I got scared I would be yelled at that I cared more about my dogs than him. So, I chose to lie to avoid a conflict, I exaggerated the story by adding that he could come with me to the store to validate I had been there. Of course, he knew I had lied. I had never been to the mall. At the time, I couldn't fess up as first, I didn't know that he had a way to know my whereabouts nor could I accept the consequence associated with my decision to walk my dogs: being yelled at. So I chose to lie. Whatever the reason I chose to lie, I lied and this was wrong. One of the consequences is that I created regret upon myself: I feel guilt and shame for my behavior. I was dishonest to someone I care about. The second consequence is that now I shattered his trust in me; I lied to his face.
While I could come up with an excuse as why I lied, it does not erase my guilt, shame and regret.

So looking further into step 9 brings up the fact that my behavior has consequences. Contrary to my original belief that making up white lies to avoid conflicts is a survival tool, I now see how my choices can lead to worst consequences. Of course being yelled at is unpleasant though at least I could live regret free and wouldn't necessarily be blaming myself for losing the trust of that friend.

Another thing that crossed my mind while reflecting on this trait is how I need to first forgive myself and accept that I can ask for forgiveness though I may not get it. I admitted that as someone who believes in forgiving everything to everybody, I expect others to forgive me. So as a result, I got frustrated that I was not forgiven (that friend does not trust me). Tonight, however, I see this matter in a different light. First, I need to take responsibility for my behavior: I recognized I lied so did wrong to my friend. Second, I need to respect that my friend does not feel like trusting me again. It is no longer a question of forgiveness. I may forgive others though do I really? I come to realize I don't forgive them as much as I choose to pretend their behavior didn't impact me. Though deep inside, once wronged I feel resentment. So, I am lying to them and to myself.

I am disappointed in myself for choosing to lie as a means to avoid any conflict. If I need to avoid any conflict, I should in the first place, avoid the situation altogether: simply stand up for myself. If my friend does not approve of my choosing to walk my dogs, it is his problem, it does not have to become my problem.

Tonight, I will work on forgiving myself for having done wrongs to others and most importantly will make a note to be honest as to avoid having to make amends.

Last, I will share another struggle brought up by this step: I say "sorry" way too much. People reproach me to say "sorry" when it means nothing. For instance, over this past weekend, as I was walking with a friend, that friend cut off someone. My immediate reaction was to say "sorry" to that stranger for my friend' s inattention. First, it wasn't for me to apologize and second I need to examine my own behavior as to make changes. Why do I say "sorry" a lot, even when not justified? I can recall a time where my mother threw a plate at my father and it shattered. I was on the floor, picking up the pieces and telling my father I was sorry for having caused it to happen. I remember my father stopping me and saying: "you didn't do it, your mother did so you shouldn't apologize". I knew he was right though I didn't believe it. I genuinely felt I had caused my mother to throw this plate at him. Of course I didn't, the reality is I was conditioned to feel responsible for my mother's mood. In other words, I learned to believe I was the reason of her unhappiness. If she was unhappy, it must have been because I had done something wrong. Well, I have news for myself: I DIDN'T!!!!!!

Today, I work toward my recovery, which includes changing my behavior. I don't want to keep saying "sorry" when inappropriate.

Making progress while learning to be patient

Last night, I attended an EA meeting (Emotions Anonymous) and tonight a CoDA meeting (Codependent Anonymous). I confess I really believe that these help me work on my recovery. How? I am obligated to work on myself and acknowledge my behavior. Tonight, I acknowledged that I still have anger from my childhood, I expressed how I felt abandoned by my father. Despite comprehending he and my mom did not know any better, they did not have the tools to be better parents. I am upset that he didn't shield me better from her illness. I also blurted out something that shocked me once out: he told me that my mother began drinking when she was pregnant with me. I resented him for saying this as I felt he was blaming me for her drinking. I felt he was saying that I caused my mom to drink as a means to cope with her pregnancy. All these years, I felt I was being told I was responsible for her drinking. That infuriates me as I felt shame and guilt. In truth, I still struggle with my feelings toward my parents. On one hand, I feel I must love them despite the pain. On another hand, I pity them as I feel sorry for what happened to them when little. Which led me to think or rather ask myself a hard question: do I love or pity them? Isn't one of my traits confusing pity  and love? Do I love them? or do I pity them? In truth at this point, I don't know. While I start feeling anxious as what should be my answer, I remind myself "one day at a time" and to give it to God "let go, let God". So for tonight, I will not torture myself as to figure out what I feel for them: pity or love. Instead, I will pray for further guidance and courage to keep working on my own recovery. I will ask for help with my anxiety by wishing for more serenity and peace.

A step at a time, a day at a time...

This morning as I was reading the Red Book, I encounter two traits which I definitely can relate to. Trait 7 and Trait 11 (Red book p. 15).

Trait 7: "We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others."

Trait 11: "We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem."

Red book comments: "Who could feel guilty about asking a cashier to correct a mistake when the cashier handed back incorrect change?" Well, myself. This particular type of incident happened to me 3 times, in which each time, I felt powerless, I was afraid to ask the cashier to correct her mistake as I feared I would be insulting her. How wrong is that?
The book comments that "if someone feels upset, we think we might have done something to cause the feelings in another." I tend to do that or rather think and believe I am responsible for how someone else feels. Now that I take the time to work on myself, I come to realize this morning that this "sick" behavior of mine comes from me being blamed for how my mom felt: upset. I was told over and over by her, my father and even my grandmother that I was the reason she was upset. Hence, if my mother yelled at my dad if I was complaining I was sick, my dad would then yell at me for being yelled by my mom and would say: "don't you see that you are making your mom upset and hence she is now bothering me. If you can't please her then here you go to my mom (my grandma) to stop upsetting her." Of course, I was sick and later that day, I had to be put into an ice cubes filled bath to lower my high temperature (had a high fever). Other times, my grandmother would comment that I needed to try with my mother, implying I was not trying to earn her love. I was indirectly told I was the reason my mom did not love me. Once again, I was blamed for her feelings. Today, starting this morning, I come to understand that it wasn't true. I  didn't cause her to feel this way, she had her own problems.
Further in the book (p.15), it is added: "The guilty feelings we encounter when standing up for ourselves have their roots in not being allowed to ask for what we needed as children. Judging ourselves harshly comes from abusive and hypercritical parents. As children, we went without basic needs or praise." [...] " We refuel the pain of being dismissed or shamed when speaking up for a want or need." This is certainly true in how I felt growing up and how I struggle taking care of myself in the sense of meeting my own needs as an adult. I find it "selfish" though as I read this morning, I come to realize I struggle as I am trying to avoid feeling the pain and shame. Perhaps, I need to stop myself when I think "I am being selfish" and instead ask myself why do I think I am being selfish, am I really or am I feeling guilt and shame hence trying to prevent further pain?
One thing I come to comprehend this morning is that I am not responsible for how people feel. I don't have control over how someone feels. I may certainly affect people as much as others can affect me: frustrate me, hurt me, make me feel angry or sad... However, as I work on my recovery, I comprehend I don't need to let others make me feel something I don't want to, especially when they may not even try to.

Last, as I work on myself, two things come to mind: "our parents passed on the seeds of shame and fear given to them." (p. 157) and "In ACoA we learn to face our denial and focus on ourselves." (p. 159).  First, while it is still hard to focus on myself as I tend to feel guilty and shame by thinking this is rather a selfish thing to do: taking care of myself. I comprehend today that these "negative" thoughts and feelings will pass as I work on myself and accept that these were passed on by my parents who themselves did not know any better.

A closer look at trait 6

Tonight, the lead discussed at my ACoA meeting was on trait 6: "We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults"

I have to confess this trait is certainly pertinent to me. I confess that I had started recently to recognize my tendency to get myself into others' drama. As for instance when I got myself involved with the kid who was a heroin addict or with that acquaintance who is going through a divorce. I also reflected on the fact that I felt more in power as I came to be now aware of my tendency to feel responsible for others, hence my need to work on setting boundaries. I shared that when thoughts crossed my mind about others and their own problems, I pull my red book and instead keep myself busy about working my own steps. I suppose in a way I am shifting my attention to my own drama. I shouldn't fix others, I should fix myself. I also agreed that by concerning myself with others' problems, not only was I avoiding looking at my own problem, I was playing the victim. As it is mentioned in the Red Book (p. 14) "by taking on too much work and responsibility, the person can vault into a fit of rage, collapse, or isolation. The person hopes to garner sympathy and pity. The victim reemerges." Well, I don't want to become that resentful person when I am overwhelmed and then play the victim. Plus, as the book states (p. 14): "by concerning ourselves with others and their chaos, we avoid doing anything about our own lives. By being overly concerned about others, adult children wrongly think they are involved in life. In reality they are missing life." Once again, "playing the victim or being overly responsible allows the adult child to avoid focusing on himself or herself." (p. 14) Well, I don't want to miss out on my life nor do I want to manipulate others by playing the victim.

Making a choice as a step to let go

Reading the Red Book from ACoA, I came across "letting go creates stronger boundaries" (p. 148). It is explained that "the more we let go, the stronger our boundaries become" (p. 148). As I work once again on my step three, I come to comprehend that in order to let go, I "must realize what letting go means." (p. 146) I also accept that I "will invariably struggle with control and self-doubt" and that "such struggles are only natural since [I] relied on controlling [my] feelings and emotions to survive in [my] homes and relationships" hence "control meant a sense of safety and predictability; however, [I] surrendered much of [my] personality and spirit through this manner of living" (p. 145-146). Further more, "we let go of control by asking for what we need instead of manipulating others for things we really don't want". Hence, I started to try something new: I gardened as a choice. I didn't garden out of fear or as a mean to control, I garden for the pleasure of trying something new.

Setting yourself as to be used

In the last few days, I attended an Emotions Anonymous meeting and a Codependent Anonymous meeting. Reflecting upon these meetings, I come to realize I need to forgive myself: let go. I confess I attempt to control all I ever do as I hope to manipulate the outcome. Hence, I don't let myself "play" or even "laugh" out of fear to be punished if do so. I admitted I am afraid to let go and learn to be happy. Someone mentioned that even my need to pay my way when dating is setting myself as a victim. In truth, I shared that I don't let men or others pay for me as I fear I will owe them something for it. However, that someone expressed that by not letting them pay, I was permitting these people to use me. I hadn't thought of it this way, though it seems to make sense. For instance, I complained that my boyfriends have never or rarely treated me to dinner. Why would they if they know I will pick up the tab. Not only am I setting myself to be victimized as used, I also don't let them pull their own weight into the relationship.

Giving up my false sense of being in control

As I expressed in my last post, I get myself into situations that I regret afterward. For instance, I have a false relationship with someone who is struggling in his personal life: divorce and a sibling in the hospital. I know that I got sucked in as he wished to see me as a friend. In truth, I feel very uncomfortable around him. I wish I could help though I comprehend today that I can't. I need to set boundaries. For one, his marriage regards him, I can listen though I admit I don't want to get involved. It regards him and his spouse. This also makes me realize that my "own" relationship regards me and my loved one and nobody else. I comprehend that we all are guilty of seeking advises from our so called "friends" though I start to think we are fraud. By that I mean, in truth I think we vent more about what we cannot control, than seek advises. For instance, sometimes our "friends" will tell us what we already know and don't want to hear. As a result, we pretend or rather ignore their "advises", meaning we don't listen. Second, there is two side to every story, meaning he is seeking a sympathetic ear. Well that's great but I am not a shrink nor am I better experienced to advise him. I mean I can't even figure my own relationship. Third, by letting him call me whenever, he is interfering in my own life. He also is forming a "relationship" I don't want. It is inappropriate toward my loved one. I now comprehend that I am at fault for permitting these types of situations to affect me. So, I informed that friend that while I wish him well through this difficult time, (I will certainly wish well for his sister and hope that this phase of his life (his divorce) sorts itself out soon,) I have my own problems to sort out. Hence, I am no longer picking up the phone when he calls nor do I agree to meet to discuss his life. He has a lawyer and his close family and friends for this. I don't owe him my own life.
Last week I would pick up when he'd call or would return his call even though didn't want to. I would say what he wanted to hear, essentially he was right about the divorce and that hope was not lost for his sister. In truth, I was doing it because I thought I was "God" I could help him. No, I was delusional and stressed out. I felt guilty for not picking up to hear all about his sorrows, or I'd feel wrong as I have a loved one and fear that my talking to this man was totally disrespectful to him. I now recognize that I placed myself in that situation. I suppose I chose to remove myself from this situation as I realized I had my own problems to deal with: sorting my life. As my friend likes to say: I must put myself first and stop being a doormat for others.

A step of recovery is to let go and accept the help of a higher power. Below is something that helped me say "no more" (from Jesus today by Sarah Young p. 6): "You feel held down, held back, and powerless to change things. You long to break free and feel in control of your life once again. Although this is an uncomfortable position, it is actually a good place to be. Your discomfort awakens you from the slumber of routine and reminds you that I am in charge of your life."

I was tired of feeling "guilty" and uncomfortable after listening to this man so I had to let go, accept I am not God so can't solve his issues. Also, I had to stop trying to be in control when I am not. So here I am giving it up as it says in 1 Peter 5:6-7 (from Jesus today p. 7): "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
I humbled myself by accepting I am not God and can't fix others or him. I also accepted that the feelings of guilt I felt expressed my discomfort so I had to cease this unhealthy relation.

Accepting responsibility

Recently as I was reading about the steps though also working at "letting go" and doing my own inventory of what I needed to change in regard to my own behavior, I realized I needed to take "responsibility" even though it seems much easier to hide behind "it's not my doing". In truth, I have to admit my life is chaotic, I tend to recreate the chaos of my past. I may have the answer to why though now I need to stop justifying it, I need to eliminate it. Hence, I confess I tend to surround myself with people that I "try" to save. A person pointed out that I surround myself with "losers" and it kind of hurt though he was right. I don't mean to sound mean nor judgmental, I do surround myself with people who have issues. Perhaps, I can hide from my responsibility in this matter, by claiming they find me (we tend to attract such people) or I can as of today, accept my part of responsibility. Hence, I admit (not that I like it) I get myself in these "unhealthy" relationships. For instance, while I like to believe I was doing a good deed, by helping that man's son who was a heroin addict, I may have help though in the process, I was very stressed out and as my friend pointed out, put myself in dangerous situations. Without quoting exactly: I acted stupid. In truth, when he said it, I couldn't understand, all I kept on thinking is I am doing the right thing, I am helping. Though, as I "think" now, I come to realize I wasn't necessarily helping for the right reason as I was using that situation to avoid my own. I was seeking to "save" him as I wished I could have saved my mom. Even worse, by getting involved, I put myself in jeopardy and avoided taking steps to improve my own life.
It dunned on me tonight that in truth that "friend" pointed out the inevitable: I avoid taking responsibility for my own life. I need to cease surrounding myself with such people. Let's be honest, I can't help anyone nor am I God. As it is mentioned in the red book, I try to play God when I am not. It is time for me to truly let go and cease getting involved in people's lives. I have my own life to be involved in, as that friend likes to say: "I must act and cease being a spectator in my life".

Fear and worry

I comprehend that many of us struggle with fear derived from our past and or more precisely our "traumatic" childhood. Not only do I still struggle coming to term with it, I still hurt. I have the occasional nightmares or flashbacks or panic attacks... I also worry about everything. If you are familiar with ACOA you understand that working the steps also requires that we must surrender hence: "Let go. Let God". If you worked or are still working step 3 then you will recognize this prayer from the red book (p. 149) : "God. I am willing to surrender my fears and to place my will and my life in your care one day at a time. Grant me the wisdom to know the difference between the things I can and cannot change. Help me to remember that I can ask for help. I am not alone. Amen."

In truth, I think that what helps me in times of struggle is to go back to step 2 and step 3. One thing that is mentioned in step 2 and resonated with me is (p. 137): "insanity is repeating the same mistake and expecting a different result." Well, this is certainly true to me as I continue to hope I can change things I really can't. As it is described in step 2 in red book (p. 134): "The insanity we speak of in Step Two refers to our continued efforts beyond all reason to heal or fix our family of origin through our current relationships. In an attempt to heal our dysfunctional family from the past, many of us set ourselves up as a Higher Power in our current relationships. We played God by being all-knowing or being all-flexible to control or manipulate others." then (p. 135) "We mask our efforts to control another person by appearing helpful. We often do not believe we deserve happiness." Well these two statements ring true again. Today, I feel tired of feeling scared and worrying about everything. I may struggle asking for help though I keep reminding myself that without help, I am only repeating my own insanity to play out. Hence, as I turn to my Higher Power for assistance, which includes myself using devotions to get there, I will share one that I find inspirational (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young p. 162): "My Peace displaces fears and worries. They will encircle you, seeking entrance, so you must stay alert. Let trust and thankfulness stand guard, turning back fear before it can gain a foothold. There is no fear in My Love, which shines on you continually. Sit quietly in My Love-Light while I bless you with radiant Peace. Turn your whole being to trusting and loving Me." Another devotion I enjoy reading when struggling with my fear and anxiety (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young p. 152): "Your mind leaps from problem to problem to problem, tangling your thoughts in anxious knots. When you think like that, you leave Me out of your worldview and your mind becomes darkened. Though I yearn to help, I will not violate your freedom. I stand silently in the background of your mind, waiting for you to remember that I am with you. When you turn from your problems to My Presence, your load is immediately lighter. Circumstances may not have changed, but we carry your burdens together. Your compulsion to "fix" everything gives way to deep, satisfying connection with Me. Together we can handle whatever this day brings." So in other words, I encourage you to not let your fear(s) and worries get to you, remember you can ask for help. It is okay to reclaim our life and desire a life free of "insanity". I want to cease my insanity, I wish to be free of fear and worries. So, I admit I struggle and ask for help as I comprehend that there are things I can change and others I can't change and hence may need help. Each step I take toward my recovery is a step toward eradicating my insanity.

Being honest with ourselves

In the past few days, I had to stand up for myself: I ended an abusive relationship. Of course, I felt rejected as I felt abandoned, I now was alone. I won't lie I cried, though what I came to admit was I wasn't sad because I was ending the relationship. I mean I was not happy nor in love. I cried as I felt I couldn't change him. I thought I could change his behavior and save him from his own pain. I finally understood that I can't change others, I can only change myself. Hence, if unhappy and feeling abused, I needed to step out and cease making excuses.
I had to understand why I did this to myself: stayed when was unhappy and was abused (verbally and physically). That's when I realized I was making excuses as I hoped I could change him. Well, I don't have that power nor will I ever make my parents apologize to me for what occurred in my childhood. I also realized that I was fake not only with others but with myself. Hence, I was putting others first ahead of my own needs. Breaking up the abuse was my first step: saying enough, I want to be respected. The second step was ceasing to lie and make excuses as why I needed to forgive and accept the behavior. Third, cease lying to others as I was projecting my own fears upon them. Hence, I needed to cease reacting as I worried that my behavior was rejecting them. If I don't want to date someone, it does not mean I am mean by rejecting them. Hence, I informed a friend who expressed interests in me that "I was only interested in a friendship and nothing more". This was difficult for me to express as I feared I was rejecting him and would make him feel abandoned. In truth, this process helped me realize that I projected my own fears upon others. Which in other words is a bit manipulative and dishonest. So began my journey in finding myself and cease trying to please others. This morning, I spoke with someone who overcame my past, she expressed that I had to start being an actor in my life. That comment affected me, she also added that "I couldn't rewrite history". I will admit that part of the reason it resonated with me was that it was said in French, my native language. I then confessed that I had been a fraud, had been lying to myself and others by pretending I was someone else. I came to the US when 19, truly I fled home and hoped that I could recreate a life. It's been 11 years since, and I am lost. Why? Because I lied, pretended to be someone I wasn't. I wanted to start fresh. Well, I can't just keep pretending. I am French and not as American as I wish I could pretend. I suddenly come to realize that I can only be happy if I become true to myself, including being honest with myself and others.

My fears - who am I kidding?

Tonight, I can't stop thinking that I made poor choices, even though it seems that I can't help myself. First, it seems that I have a problem in getting myself too involved with others. I always seem to know what others need or I comply to their requests to the point of stretching myself too thin. Yes, I am a people pleaser. Sucks! I wanted to believe that being a people pleaser meant I was a kind person, always caring and full of humility. Though, in truth I may be very sensitive and genuinely care for others, I tend to do too much. I recognize with bitterness that I allowed myself to become a door mat to some people. Not proud of it. Why? Because I can't say NO is too simple of an answer. Because I don't know the difference is more like it. On the moment, I truly believe I am being helpful by complying though later on, I feel this resentment toward the individual I attempted to please by keeping internally quiet. Well, I presume that the "resentment" I feel is not so much a good sign, rather a tell all that I am a people pleaser to the point of affecting my well being.
Second, I seem to always know what is best for others. Though I am at a total loss for myself. I won't follow my own advices as if I am so different from the people I want to help and really save. People come to me for advices and I get involved. Today, I comprehend it is not a good idea. I project upon others my childhood. I wish I could save everyone else, when in reality I need to tend to myself. I am in need of "rescue" hence, my steps at recovery.
Third, I get myself into these "bad" relationships. I put myself in these degrading situations where others may affect my self-esteem. I already struggle in that department, however it seems that I can't help myself from being hurt. It is like a drug. I am codependent.

I can go on, including mentioning how sorry I feel for myself for being so lost. I have no sense of who I truly am. I also seem to think that one day miraculously I will wake up and feel like a grown-up and be happy. Let's be realistic, it won't happen until I work toward my own recovery.

I need to stop fixing others, it is not my job. My job is to take care of myself. Literally, I need to stop surrounding myself with toxic people and I need to stop lying to myself about my past or how others can impact me. For instance, as much as I wish my mother was not an alcoholic, I need to accept that she is and I have no power over it. Regarding my toxic relationships, I need to set boundaries and stick to them despite my fear of rejection and abandonment I feel when standing up for myself.

Tonight, I wish to open up and share that I wish I had a family, I knew how to love or how to feel "love", I wasn't so lost and knew who I am (what do I even like or want)...

When is it enough?

Let's be real here, being an Adult Child of an alcoholic means many of us still live in the past, terrified to move forward as we don't know how to stop living in fear. I am one to be honest and admit, I live in fear. I am for instance terrified of failure as I wonder if what I heard growing up will become true. I fear I will suck as I was told I was and would continue to be. Hence, I never pushed myself or rather when it came a bit difficult, I chose to give up rather than finding out the outcome. I think now that in some way, my fear has been a false sense of control. I mean by not pushing myself so could avoid the possibility of failure, I thought I was controlling the outcome.
I am certain many of you can relate. Even though we don't like to admit it, we tend to control everything as an attempt to feel safe. For instance, I willingly recognize that I am a control freak in many aspects, as I attempt to feel in control. Why? Because growing up, I never felt in control. I never knew when would my parents blow, when would my mom lose it. I certainly thought if I controlled my behavior I would avoid being hit or yelled at, or simply would avoid getting my mom mad though truly whatever I did never was enough. The message carried on over the years. Today, as I started doing my journey toward my recovery, I need to learn to let go. I simply can't control everything, especially how others will choose to react. In retrospect, I just realized that trying to control others' behavior through mine is manipulating. Hence, I need to admit: "I can't do it alone" nor "is it my responsibility to ensure everyone is happy around me". My real duty is to take care of myself and learn that I need to let go.

The pain languishes/remains

Yesterday, I ended up getting into it with my parents. Within 2 min on the phone with my father, I managed to feel hurt and get angry, I was crying. After trying to calm myself down and have more perspective, I came to realize that at 30 (my birthday was Sunday), I still have deep buried issues with my parents. I still hurt. I feel horrible as I wish to have a relationship with my parents though at same time, I come to accept that it is not healthy for I to be in contacts with them. It hurts to try to communicate with them, I end up feeling "hurt" as I feel "alone" and "abandoned". To top it, my sister admitted that her and my brother are angry at our parents for being so selfish. All to say that what is in the past does not always remain in the past.

Default

Tonight at my ACOA meeting, I was reminding that my recovery can only happen if I am willing to do the work. By that, be honest with myself and do my own inventory when need to. Hence, tonight as we discussed as a group "default", meaning how each one of us tends to do "such" when facing something that makes us feel uncomfortable, I recognized what were my "defaults".

I realized that when I am faced with an uncomfortable situation, I tend to "avoid" it. It seems evident to me that when confronted to a tough situation, I would rather "avoid" it. I dislike "confrontations". My other default tends to be my most common way of handling any discomfort: "clam up". By that, I mean, I would rather keep my own personal thoughts regarding a matter to myself instead of daring opposing someone. Hence, I often end up doing what others do as I fear upsetting or even worse disappoint anyone. Though in the end, I only disappoint myself as I follow their lead. Another default of mine is "anger". I noticed that it is very easy for I to turn to anger when I cannot control the situation I am in. While I am not proud of it, I come to be aware of it and work toward understanding why I choose to react versus acting. Last, I came to admit that another default of mine is "manipulation". I try anything to avoid a situation including trying to manipulate the outcome when faced with something I found terrifying. In other words, I attempt to manipulate what I can't control as an attempt to pretend to myself that I am somehow in control though I am not.

What are your defaults? (I think of "defaults" as my "surviving and coping skills").

People Pleaser: false security

I woke up this morning, feeling anxious as usual, wondering what I did wrong to not get the reaction I expected from close ones. Anyhow, this led me to rethink something another ACoA member commented last night: people pleaser are manipulator. So I decided to do some research on the matter. I knew from hearing others telling me that I was a people pleaser, though I admit I also numb the knowledge as if they were not talking about me. I mean I felt as if I acknowledged and knew I was a people pleaser but never took in what it meant as a result I never attempted to make changes. I just viewed it as a trait I had and couldn't do much about it. Like I hided behind it as a means to justify my behavior and explain why I felt so used and manipulated by others.

In retrospect, I admit I hate that I felt so powerless for not being able to say NO and feeling so guilty if could even think of doing so. In my mind, I feared I would let others down. I means some would say how desperate they were and how they had no one else to turn to if would say NO. In other words, I gave them the power and I lost control. Even though I thought I was somehow in control, I had verbally said yes, though in truth I felt coerced into saying Yes, even ambushed at times.

I think it is time I stop that pattern and let my true self come out. I mean didn't I admit last night that I need to work on my trust issue and TAKE a leap of faith. Well, the time has come for me to do so. Words are great though actions on their behalf are far better or greater in result.

Here begins my journey of more than self-awareness: I choose to cease being WEAK.

What does it mean to be a people pleaser?
Well, in my case,  I let others take advantage of me. I live in absolute fear of feeling rejected, criticized and not liked by others.

As a result:

• I tried to be who someone wants me to be. (Have no idea who I am and I am afraid to find out.)
• I feared rocking the boat if disagree.
• I had no idea what I want. (It is hard for me to know what I want.)
• I avoid speaking my mind as I fear confrontation.
• It was difficult for me to say NO.
• I avoid getting angry (passive agressive).
• I had a hard time taking any initiative.
• I felt as if I must do anything to ensure everyone get along. 

Well, how to I stop these behaviors: I confront my fears. Why am I so afraid to say NO? What is behind it? Thinking about it, I know that I hide behind my past. I have a low self-esteem. I still believed internally that my parents were right: I was a failure, I was no good, who would want me. I was not good enough ever. In other words, I let my parents' criticisms out of anger paint a portrait of me. Again, it was just a portrait by two artists and their perceptions, which as anyone knows, art is subjective. Hence, this portrait is not necessarily what I should see. 

Emotional wounds need to be assessed and healed for good. By that I mean, I need to be honest with myself, cease hiding by choosing to be in denial. What scares me so badly in saying NO to people? Well, I fear letting them down. Wait a minute, who said I had that power over them. Am I truly letting them down? Probably not, perhaps I am doing the opposite, I am boosting my ego by believing they need me that bad. It seems I am saying they are powerless without me. Is it the truth? Be honest. It is a perception, I project on others. I have no right to do so. Of course, there are instances where it seems that I am very much needed. Though in truth it is that people know my weakness to say No hence some will take advantage by manipulating me by saying certain things. Am I smart enough to distinguish manipulation from a real need? I thought so though why do I cave in resentful? Weak!

Now that I realize that I need to cease believing I am that important and comprehend people are people hence tend to manipulate to get their way, I need to work on rationalizing my underlying fear in saying NO and not pleasing them. 

What is the worst thing that could happen? I say NO and people I tried to please are displeased and withdraw. Is it my doing? Nope, I may have been a factor in their new behavior though in the end, it is their choosing to withdraw. I can't control them and really I need to cease manipulating the outcome of any interaction with others. In truth, if people chose to cease "being my friend" because I say NO then in the first place, they are not my "friends" hence I am better off without them. Of course, I realize it is not that simple, I will likely feel guilt and shame as a result as I will contemplate blaming myself for not having done the right thing to keep them around. Truly, I need to remind myself, I am worthy of love and compassion, but most importantly I deserve respect. Respect from them and from myself. Plus, who knows perhaps some people who are upset at first will come to realize their unrealistic expectation. 

• It is hypocrite of I to agree to do things I don't want to in the first place. It seems noble to help others though I should do it only because I want to, not because I feel I have to. 
• Also, I need to cease to base my self-worth on how much I do for others. 
• I need to take responsibility in my own doing. I created this prison in which I feel trapped and unhappy. I need to examine my fears and ask myself if truly being alone is the worst thing that can result from not saying the right thing. I already feel alone, doing things for others so they may like me is just wrong and worst, it is not necessarily how they come to like or respect me. 
• I need to retake some control on my past by being present in the moment and choosing to be honest with myself and others. 

Who are we truly? Self-instropection

Tonight, I attended a meeting and as always I left with more questions than answers. Though in retrospect, I think I left with new clues to explore and that may get me closer to my journey.

I admitted that I am terrified to look at myself and find out who truly I am. All I know in my mind is that I feel obligated to please others. Hence, I take on the many roles that I must. Though after tonight, I realize or rather admit to myself that I did take on these roles voluntarily. Nobody forced me to do it, perhaps their behaviors encouraged me to do so but I wasn't coerced into it.

This led me to explore what role I took on as a child: "Hero", "Scapegoat", "Caretaker" or "Lost Child"? Can I recognize myself or am I projecting what I want to believe.

To be honest, I feel confused. I can recognize some trait in almost each. I expected it to be clear as if once I knew I could follow steps to undo it. Of course, it isn't that simple.

So who am I? Well, let's look at myself as a child and as an adult today. [Using Roles in Dysfunctional Families by Robert Burney M.A. - referred in http://adultchildrenaca.blogspot.com blog entry on Roles in Dysfunctional Families -
http://adultchildrenaca.blogspot.com/2007/01/roles-in-dysfunctional-families.html]

As a child, I definitely was the lost child "This child escapes by attempting to be invisible. They daydream, fantasize, read a lot of books or watch a lot of TV. They deal with reality by withdrawing from it. They deny that they have any feelings and "don't bother getting upset."

I also recognized myself as the scapegoat "This is the child that the family feels ashamed of - and the most emotionally honest child in the family. He/she acts out the tension and anger the family ignores. This child provides distraction from the real issues in the family."

Of course I perfectly played the role of the family hero as well "This is the child who is "9 going on 40." This child takes over the parent role at a very young age, becoming very responsible and self-sufficient. They give the family self-worth because they look good on the outside. They are the good students"

However, as an adult I became the perfect mix of all 4 "caretaker", "scapegoat", "family hero" and "lost child". 

Caretaker as an adult:
"This child becomes an adult who is valued for their kind heart, generosity, and ability to listen to others. Their whole self-definition is centered on others and they don't know how to get their own needs met. They become adults who cannot receive love, only give it. They often have case loads rather than friendships - and get involved in abusive relationships in an attempt to "save" the other person. They go into the helping professions and become nurses, and social workers, and therapists. They have very low self-worth and feel a lot of guilt that they work very hard to overcome by being really "nice" (i.e. people pleasing, classically codependent) people." This is so me today! Okay, first thing is to remind myself "knowledge" is the first step toward recovery. 

Scapegoat as an adult: 
"These children are usually the most sensitive and caring which is why they feel such tremendous hurt. They are romantics who become very cynical and distrustful. They have a lot of self-hatred and can be very self-destructive. This often results in this child becoming the first person in the family to get into some kind of recovery."

Family Hero as an adult:
"The family hero, because of their "success" in conforming to dysfunctional cultural definitions of what constitutes doing life "right", is often the child in the family who as an adult has the hardest time even admitting that there is anything within themselves that needs to be healed." As a young adult, I lived in denial as long as I could until my PTSD acted out and was forced to pretend my past didn't happen. 

Lost Child as an adult:
"These children grow up to be adults who find themselves unable to feel and suffer very low self-esteem. They are terrified of intimacy and often have relationship phobia. They are very withdrawn and shy and become socially isolated because that is the only way they know to be safe from being hurt. A lot of actors and writers are 'lost children' who have found a way to express emotions while hiding behind their characters." I struggle socially, I isolated myself from others as I don't trust and fear to get hurt. 

It's your journey and no one's else

Overcoming your past is not always as easy as we would like to think. I am certain many of you as well would relate to wishing we could simply close our eyes and pretend our "childhood" didn't happen and if only we could "forget it". Reality is not that simple though we have tools to learn to let go, this means something different for most of us. Hence, while I struggle overcoming it, I was kindly reminded by my sponsor that it is my journey thus I need to do it as is best for me. Nobody has a right to judge me if I didn't come to each meetings. Anyhow, I am supposed to present soon on the following topic: "We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figure". I'll admit, I did not want to do it though members encouraged me to take on the next step: presenting. In my mind, this means I have to talk about "it" though I had now time to think about it and in retrospect, I believe it is the perfect opportunity to overcome a fear. 

Do I relate to the topic? Absolutely, though isn't it time for me to let go and cease being afraid? I think so hence I will take on the challenge. 

First, I remind myself that the people attending my presentation won't judge me so not to fear their reactions such as rejection, judgement...

Second, this is good for me as I am forced to face one of my fears and hence gain the perspective to put it at bay. 

Finally, who knows perhaps I can help others as others who spoke before me helped me.