Looking at self

Tonight I attended a ACoA meeting. My eyes flooded with tears, as I confessed not loving myself, feeling unworthy of even helping myself get better. I admitted being scared as I was looking deep inside and felt that all these negative messages I heard while growing up felt right. I know better though and at same time I struggle helping myself. Moreover, I recognized my need to please others to the extent of ignoring what I want. As an end result, I feel lost, don't know who I am.

As others pointed out, perhaps I am so used to seeking control that by acting a certain way as I think others want me to, I think I can control what others think of me. In other words, perhaps subconsciously I fear so badly to be judged for who I am, that I rather hide behind masquerades. Anyhow, today I chose to free myself by walking the walk: I need to cease worrying what others may think of me and I absolutely need to cease acting as others expect me to act as in the end, all it does is hurting me as I forget to be myself: hence feel lost.

I need to remember that if I am not being honest with myself, then I don't allow myself the freedom to be who I am, regardless of what others think.

Truth

Strangely enough, these past few days I had to face my own truth: I don't like myself. Not only did the holidays approaching reminded me of my turmoil from within (my past/childhood), my sponsor reminded me I was not doing the work, the lead at our meeting talked about denial... I simply could no longer pretend. So, I will say it: I have lived in denial by facility. Let be honest, do I like myself, how can I when I grew up being told how unloved I was. Well here is the truth: I took it with me: I am unlovable. Who will ever love me if my mom cannot love me? How can I love myself if my own mom does not love me?
Anyhow, another thought came through: I need to start living. I just watched a movie called "NOW IS GOOD" which reminded me how lucky I was to be alive. I tend to forget it as I get wrapped up in my own pain. The truth is "we" children of alcoholic live our lives in pain, we don't like ourselves as we don't even know ourselves, we live in fear...
I also thought this week that it was a bit hypocritical of I to wish my mother would seek help when myself who is aware I have a problem, won't or even refuse to get help. So, I dragged myself to a couple meetings and I admitted how I relied on denial as my friend to get by. Though, I also started to recognize it needs to cease. I need to start living my life, many are not as fortunate (are ill). Hence, me starting this entry as to make me accountable and acknowledge my deep desire to get well, to get on my journey to find myself, love myself, be happy, live life...

Self-esteem is important to finding happiness within self

Recently, I was reminded to reflect upon "self-esteem" at an Al-anon meeting. Interestingly enough, I was obligated to realize I still have a way to go in that particular domain. I certainly need to work on it. Truth is I tend to still see myself through my parents' eyes: never good enough. As if I still seek their approval and hope to ever make them happy. Truth I came to observe, is I need to cease looking and judge myself based solely off their perception. I am not perfect though I am also not what they choose to project on me. I am not fat, ugly, stupid, selfish. I know better, I just need to look back to my behavior and of others to see how untrue these lies are.

I came to admit I tend to anticipate all possible disastrous outcomes as a mean to be ready to protect myself. As a result, I tend to be on constant alert.

Facing my pain

I tend to live in my head. Many will say I overanalyze and overthink, not that they are wrong, though it is what I always did and do as a means to survive. I guess I learned to "overthink" as a means to attempt making sense of what chaos surrounded me growing up. How else could I comprehend why my own mother smothered me and strangled me. Of course, a part of me felt she was wrong though she was the adult, she had to know better so it was easier to convince myself that I must have done something to deserve such "punishment": I must be bad. I presume I learned to overthink and overanalyze until I could make "sense" of what happened on a daily basis. How else could I live under the same roof as my abuser. I had to justify it, I simply couldn't believe she didn't love me for no reason, I must have done something to make her so angry and for hurting me. 

Truth is I didn't understand why and how she did it. I still remember her screaming that I lost the receipt for a Barbie she bought for a friend's daughter's birthday then grabbing me why I felt so confused. I never touched the doll nor the bag in which it was. How was it my fault? Then I remember her putting a pillow over my face (while I laid on the bed of my sister) and not being able to breath. 
Did I hate her? I did, I was mad, upset then I remember once over and she left the room, thinking that it was so unfair but rapidly changing my thinking to "she is the adult, she must know better, I must have done something to deserve this". Still today, I know it wasn't my fault, never touched that "damn doll" though can't help but feel like I can't say I ever stopped feeling "guilt". A part of me refuses to let go and accept that she was "wrong". I mean she is my mom, how else would/could do this otherwise? It makes no sense. 

Truth is hard to admit

I live in fear and in the shadow of my past. I recently turned 29 years old and admitted I was in pain. Truth is I am an Adult Children of Alcoholic. Like many of us, I recognized myself into the traits listed in the laundry list. At first, I didn't want to admit it then I experienced relief as I slowly came to realize I wasn't alone to feel the pain. Today, following my sponsor's advice, I will attempt to journal my thoughts as a means to relieve my pain and better comprehend what happened along my journey that led me to experience so much pain. In other words, I wish to begin freeing myself of my past and fears that trapped me from finding happiness. 

My own laundry list:

1. I don't know who I am, feel lost.
2. I live in fears.
3. I "hate" angry people.
4. I seek approval from others.
5. I am a people pleaser. 
6. I worry about others over myself. 
7. I feel guilty when standing up for myself.
8. I "love" people I wish to rescue.
9. I "hate" and avoid at all cost my own feelings. 
10. I judge myself harshly and have a very low self-esteem.
11. I fear abandonment and will do almost anything to avoid it. 
12. Never felt loved nor do I believe I am worthy of love. 
13. I struggle with authority figures and fear criticisms. 
14. I am terrified to admit I am vulnerable and need help. 

Truth is I hurt. I fear looking at myself as feel guilt and shame from my past. My childhood affected me more than I wish to admit. Feel helpless and fear what others will think if confess I am not strong. 

I wish to set myself free from pain and find happiness within myself. I am exhausted playing someone I am not. I wish to be true to myself and stop pretending I am fine. Truth is I hurt and I need to help myself: nurture my inner child.