People Pleaser: false security

I woke up this morning, feeling anxious as usual, wondering what I did wrong to not get the reaction I expected from close ones. Anyhow, this led me to rethink something another ACoA member commented last night: people pleaser are manipulator. So I decided to do some research on the matter. I knew from hearing others telling me that I was a people pleaser, though I admit I also numb the knowledge as if they were not talking about me. I mean I felt as if I acknowledged and knew I was a people pleaser but never took in what it meant as a result I never attempted to make changes. I just viewed it as a trait I had and couldn't do much about it. Like I hided behind it as a means to justify my behavior and explain why I felt so used and manipulated by others.

In retrospect, I admit I hate that I felt so powerless for not being able to say NO and feeling so guilty if could even think of doing so. In my mind, I feared I would let others down. I means some would say how desperate they were and how they had no one else to turn to if would say NO. In other words, I gave them the power and I lost control. Even though I thought I was somehow in control, I had verbally said yes, though in truth I felt coerced into saying Yes, even ambushed at times.

I think it is time I stop that pattern and let my true self come out. I mean didn't I admit last night that I need to work on my trust issue and TAKE a leap of faith. Well, the time has come for me to do so. Words are great though actions on their behalf are far better or greater in result.

Here begins my journey of more than self-awareness: I choose to cease being WEAK.

What does it mean to be a people pleaser?
Well, in my case,  I let others take advantage of me. I live in absolute fear of feeling rejected, criticized and not liked by others.

As a result:

• I tried to be who someone wants me to be. (Have no idea who I am and I am afraid to find out.)
• I feared rocking the boat if disagree.
• I had no idea what I want. (It is hard for me to know what I want.)
• I avoid speaking my mind as I fear confrontation.
• It was difficult for me to say NO.
• I avoid getting angry (passive agressive).
• I had a hard time taking any initiative.
• I felt as if I must do anything to ensure everyone get along. 

Well, how to I stop these behaviors: I confront my fears. Why am I so afraid to say NO? What is behind it? Thinking about it, I know that I hide behind my past. I have a low self-esteem. I still believed internally that my parents were right: I was a failure, I was no good, who would want me. I was not good enough ever. In other words, I let my parents' criticisms out of anger paint a portrait of me. Again, it was just a portrait by two artists and their perceptions, which as anyone knows, art is subjective. Hence, this portrait is not necessarily what I should see. 

Emotional wounds need to be assessed and healed for good. By that I mean, I need to be honest with myself, cease hiding by choosing to be in denial. What scares me so badly in saying NO to people? Well, I fear letting them down. Wait a minute, who said I had that power over them. Am I truly letting them down? Probably not, perhaps I am doing the opposite, I am boosting my ego by believing they need me that bad. It seems I am saying they are powerless without me. Is it the truth? Be honest. It is a perception, I project on others. I have no right to do so. Of course, there are instances where it seems that I am very much needed. Though in truth it is that people know my weakness to say No hence some will take advantage by manipulating me by saying certain things. Am I smart enough to distinguish manipulation from a real need? I thought so though why do I cave in resentful? Weak!

Now that I realize that I need to cease believing I am that important and comprehend people are people hence tend to manipulate to get their way, I need to work on rationalizing my underlying fear in saying NO and not pleasing them. 

What is the worst thing that could happen? I say NO and people I tried to please are displeased and withdraw. Is it my doing? Nope, I may have been a factor in their new behavior though in the end, it is their choosing to withdraw. I can't control them and really I need to cease manipulating the outcome of any interaction with others. In truth, if people chose to cease "being my friend" because I say NO then in the first place, they are not my "friends" hence I am better off without them. Of course, I realize it is not that simple, I will likely feel guilt and shame as a result as I will contemplate blaming myself for not having done the right thing to keep them around. Truly, I need to remind myself, I am worthy of love and compassion, but most importantly I deserve respect. Respect from them and from myself. Plus, who knows perhaps some people who are upset at first will come to realize their unrealistic expectation. 

• It is hypocrite of I to agree to do things I don't want to in the first place. It seems noble to help others though I should do it only because I want to, not because I feel I have to. 
• Also, I need to cease to base my self-worth on how much I do for others. 
• I need to take responsibility in my own doing. I created this prison in which I feel trapped and unhappy. I need to examine my fears and ask myself if truly being alone is the worst thing that can result from not saying the right thing. I already feel alone, doing things for others so they may like me is just wrong and worst, it is not necessarily how they come to like or respect me. 
• I need to retake some control on my past by being present in the moment and choosing to be honest with myself and others. 

Who are we truly? Self-instropection

Tonight, I attended a meeting and as always I left with more questions than answers. Though in retrospect, I think I left with new clues to explore and that may get me closer to my journey.

I admitted that I am terrified to look at myself and find out who truly I am. All I know in my mind is that I feel obligated to please others. Hence, I take on the many roles that I must. Though after tonight, I realize or rather admit to myself that I did take on these roles voluntarily. Nobody forced me to do it, perhaps their behaviors encouraged me to do so but I wasn't coerced into it.

This led me to explore what role I took on as a child: "Hero", "Scapegoat", "Caretaker" or "Lost Child"? Can I recognize myself or am I projecting what I want to believe.

To be honest, I feel confused. I can recognize some trait in almost each. I expected it to be clear as if once I knew I could follow steps to undo it. Of course, it isn't that simple.

So who am I? Well, let's look at myself as a child and as an adult today. [Using Roles in Dysfunctional Families by Robert Burney M.A. - referred in http://adultchildrenaca.blogspot.com blog entry on Roles in Dysfunctional Families -
http://adultchildrenaca.blogspot.com/2007/01/roles-in-dysfunctional-families.html]

As a child, I definitely was the lost child "This child escapes by attempting to be invisible. They daydream, fantasize, read a lot of books or watch a lot of TV. They deal with reality by withdrawing from it. They deny that they have any feelings and "don't bother getting upset."

I also recognized myself as the scapegoat "This is the child that the family feels ashamed of - and the most emotionally honest child in the family. He/she acts out the tension and anger the family ignores. This child provides distraction from the real issues in the family."

Of course I perfectly played the role of the family hero as well "This is the child who is "9 going on 40." This child takes over the parent role at a very young age, becoming very responsible and self-sufficient. They give the family self-worth because they look good on the outside. They are the good students"

However, as an adult I became the perfect mix of all 4 "caretaker", "scapegoat", "family hero" and "lost child". 

Caretaker as an adult:
"This child becomes an adult who is valued for their kind heart, generosity, and ability to listen to others. Their whole self-definition is centered on others and they don't know how to get their own needs met. They become adults who cannot receive love, only give it. They often have case loads rather than friendships - and get involved in abusive relationships in an attempt to "save" the other person. They go into the helping professions and become nurses, and social workers, and therapists. They have very low self-worth and feel a lot of guilt that they work very hard to overcome by being really "nice" (i.e. people pleasing, classically codependent) people." This is so me today! Okay, first thing is to remind myself "knowledge" is the first step toward recovery. 

Scapegoat as an adult: 
"These children are usually the most sensitive and caring which is why they feel such tremendous hurt. They are romantics who become very cynical and distrustful. They have a lot of self-hatred and can be very self-destructive. This often results in this child becoming the first person in the family to get into some kind of recovery."

Family Hero as an adult:
"The family hero, because of their "success" in conforming to dysfunctional cultural definitions of what constitutes doing life "right", is often the child in the family who as an adult has the hardest time even admitting that there is anything within themselves that needs to be healed." As a young adult, I lived in denial as long as I could until my PTSD acted out and was forced to pretend my past didn't happen. 

Lost Child as an adult:
"These children grow up to be adults who find themselves unable to feel and suffer very low self-esteem. They are terrified of intimacy and often have relationship phobia. They are very withdrawn and shy and become socially isolated because that is the only way they know to be safe from being hurt. A lot of actors and writers are 'lost children' who have found a way to express emotions while hiding behind their characters." I struggle socially, I isolated myself from others as I don't trust and fear to get hurt.