Fear of the future

I have always done what seems necessary to survive. I also endured abuse from others as I was afraid of change. As I find myself now having the time to actually manifest a new outcome, I struggle. Truth be told, I am paralyzed with fear as I realize I have absolutely no idea what I want for my life except stability. Each time, I have been asked to envision my dream life, job, nothing come to mind except “stability”. I wish I could close my eyes and see a picture of what I want my life to look like though nothing appears. This is freaking me out, leading to severe anxiety and panic attacks. 

I am afraid to tell others though I also wondered if this is related to my childhood trauma so I looked up if others with trauma have no idea what they want. To my surprise and relief, apparently I am not alone. It is common with individuals who experience PTSD due to childhood trauma. We apparently have been conditioned to not trust what we may like for a multitude of reasons: emotional numbing, altered sense of self, making it hard to connect with feeling and desires. 

As silly as it may sound, in my mid twenties, I was asked to make a list of what I like. I struggled, I felt as if I could make a list of things I was supposed to like though as I tried, I realized I actually didn’t know if “I” really like these things. For instance, I always ordered my eggs as whomever I was with ordered them. I had absolutely no idea if there was a way I actually like my eggs best. Same with other foods, I wondered if I really like it or said so as I suspected I was to like it. Did I really like sushi…? 

Fast forward to now, I can’t seem to know what I want in my dream life. This inability to project a picture of what I may want, freaks me out. I am realizing I have kept myself so busy that I could avoid thinking about what I could ever want. All I know is I want “stability” which if I am honest I am starting to wonder what does it even mean except “no yelling or hitting, no poverty, I fear being alone”. 

Fear

My beloved dog who taught and gave me unconditional love, recently passed away. Since his passing, I tried to pretend I was okay by running away from the pain. 

I also came to realize that I keep running away from my past and the pain associated to it. Everytime, I fear something, I avoid it as I am afraid. 

I am angry, I hurt. I feel so broken and at the same time I feel I have no right to feel “sorry” for myself. 

Loved ones who I view and consider as “parents” mentioned that I put myself in bad situations to get hurt. As with my family, I still want their love and expect a different outcome when I interact with them. Instead, I am left feeling “lonely, unloved, hurt and angry”. 

A few people who overheard how my family speak “yell” to me and each commented how unhealthy this is and question why I keep putting myself in such situations where I am left feeling hurt. Truth be told, I get hurt then angry and then justify it as I feel this “obligation” to keep trying. Though if I am honest, I know it won’t change. So why? Because I am afraid to be unloved by my “family”. 

I think we all want to feel loved by our “close family” (parents, siblings and grandparents) as otherwise we question how could anyone else love us. 

My dog made me feel I was not alone as we were family. Now that he is gone, I struggle. 

When I get scared or hurt, I run (I avoid reality) and I often choose anger to regain a false sense of control. 

Truth be told, I felt like a little kid all over again as my family was yelling at me last week. I cried as I felt unloved. The pain I felt reminded me how my past was still affecting my present. 

Other relatives who are the closest to parent figures, I think of them as parents, reminded me that I could detach myself by putting space with my family. I want to stop hurting, as such I need to walk away and face my fear. I need to be alone. 

 And I need to ask for help to start healing. 

Choosing Love

 Pain and fear have controlled me for so long. I get angry and react. I recently admitted how exhausted I was to constantly fight to “survive”. 

I was so afraid that I couldn’t see that others were by my side to help me. Fear blinded me. 

As I struggle, I decided to surrender and ask for help. To my surprise, the moment I gave up trying to be in control, I realized how I was not alone. Others had my back. 

Years ago as I attended ACOA meetings, I was told that I needed to surrender to a higher power. I struggled with this idea that a higher power had my back and as such felt I had to be in control at all times. Years later, I am still struggling, I react out of fear and most importantly my need to feel in control has led me to have a false sense of safety. 

I tried to convince myself I was NOT angry though as my world recently seem to crumble, i felt overwhelmed by fear, anxiety and suddenly felt how “angry” I was. I latched out though felt guilt as I know that being angry does not justify harming others. 

My fear and anger come from pain. 

I realize now that to truly let go, I need to learn to forgive. My anger is holding me back and my fear is leading me to take a path that is looping over and over. 

I recently heard “you won’t is not the same as you can’t”. This resonated with me as I realize that I constantly tell myself I can’t when in reality I am the one who won’t. 

If I am truly ready to let go of my past, pain, anger and fear, then I need to surrender my false sense of control and accept help while working on healing. 

I am committed to working on 3 things:

1) surrendering and accepting I am not in control             2) transform fear to faith                                                           3) practice forgiveness 

Ultimately, I am choosing LOVE.

Anger

 I worried if I put my thoughts down, it meant I was giving in to my fear. I realized that trying to pretend I could control my pain was a mistake. 

Ask anyone who suffers from PTSD and they will tell you they would do anything to forget as to move on. My reality is I still live in fear. In constant fear.

I thought if I ignored my thoughts and shut down my emotions I could somehow feel in control. Hence, I didn’t share any posts as I truly believed if I didn’t write it down then I was in control: could pretend it didn’t affect me. 

Today, truly a result of culmination, I was told “I was angry”. It took me by surprise, I thought I had been so good at hiding my pain and fear. Though I must admit, while I was surprised, I came to realize it was true. I was carrying so much anger within me, which I tried to shut down. 

Then the tormentor called and this time, I faced my truth. I was angry and wanted to stop pretending. I lost it and this time admitted how angry I was as I was still in pain. The words came out and I admitted having so much anger and being tired of the pain. I told the hulk how I used to pray that she would love herself enough to stop drinking. I told her how I appreciate that she admitted “hating me” since I was a toddler as she felt rejected (I have autism) (she told me that as a toddler I didn’t want to be touched or hold and would give her that look to not touch me, she felt rejected and from this moment on. she started to hate me). Well, it didn’t change, I reminded her that on the rare occasion I saw her, she made it clear how much she doesn’t love me and as such, I was hurt and I hated her now too. I mentioned how I wish I wouldn’t care but felt guilt as I wanted to be a good daughter and love my mom, instead I was angry and hated her for all the pain. 

I recently came across a fictional portraying of an individual victimized as a child who 20 years later sought revenge. When asked if she felt guilt, she said no and commented that everyday even on her better day, she was still scarred by the trauma. I cried as I can relate. There isn’t a day, that my pain isn’t with me. I live in fear and continually pretend I am okay. Don’t get me wrong, I am aware that i must be grateful as the abuse is over. Though is it really? I still have flashback, nightmare and the pain is with me. So am I really free? 

I hate when people say people with trauma are survivors. Are we? I feel trapped, never truly feel safe. Always, expecting the worse. I am still a prisoner of my fear.  

Anyone who experienced trauma will tell you, we didn’t survive, we are stuck to relieve it over and over. 

My grandfather was a so called “survivor” of the concentration camp but in my opinion he didn’t survive. He had nightmares through the end of his life, relieving the trauma over and over. 

I don’t trust others and I live in fear. I can’t sleep without relieving trauma. Waking up at times in tears and in panic until I realized I am “here” that it isn’t happening again. I certainly don’t feel I am a survivor instead I feel so powerless and angry I can’t be freed from the trauma. 

A long journey

 It took me a long time to come to this realization: I was trapped in my own head. I hurt and will hurt at times though I am slowly healing. Something I didn’t believe I would be able to do. This past June, I went “home” to Paris, my hometown. I haven’t gone back in 6 years. Truth be told, I felt betrayed and was scared to go back and face them. Face my truth. I lost my grandmother last year, it ripped me open as I felt I had lost my only “mom”. I miss her and hate that I was so angry for the pain I felt that I distanced myself. I wrote to her though apologizing about my behavior and telling her how I loved her more like a mother than a grandmother so it hurt to know she was more concerned about what others would say than protect me. I felt wronged, my ego and or self preservation kept me away. 

While back “home”, I was forced to see my truth: I didn’t have a family. My parents are simply unable to care for me nor can I pretend I ever felt loved by them. 

Once I came back, I was agitated, I no longer could pretend - it hurt. I felt unloved, unwanted. 

Facing my pain and my truth wasn’t easy. I admitted my fear to be abandoned. Then I slowly realized that as much as I want a different outcome, I can’t force my family to “love” me. I can however distance myself, control our interactions and finally told myself: it is their loss. 

In the past 48 hours, I came to understand that I was in my head. My fear is only fueled by my past and pain from my childhood. I have a long way to go though I need to not give up as there are people who actually care about me. 

Fear of ending up alone or fear of hope and love

In the past few months, I had to face my own emotions. Something I struggle with as I tend to avoid feelings. This made me realize that I am more afraid of being hurt. Growing up I felt unloved, I believed that I was unlovable, that something had to be wrong with me, as I felt rejected by my mother. I comprehend today that my mother's alcoholism was a factor in it and my father's denial of the abuse contributed to my feeling "alone". Truth be said, I am more afraid of being happy than not. You see, I want to feel loved though I fear if I experience it and "lose" it then I will hurt once again. I can't risk it. Can I? I want to pretend that I am fine and I am willing to take a leap of faith though truth be told, I am terrified. Caring for someone else implies that I am vulnerable "emotionally", something I fear as I don't want to feel the pain I know. Growing up, I felt abandoned by my parents, I felt lonely and it hurt. Today, I fear being "rejected" and I am afraid to trust someone else with my heart. I mean I have learned at a young age that people will disappoint me.

I must confess though that there is someone who has challenged me. I believe he has done the impossible, he has brought back "hope" that I can have a happy ending though I am terrified. I am afraid I will mess it up somehow and as such I want to run away despite wanting to do the exact opposite. I am not sure I know how to handle the truth that I like him. I don't want to feel vulnerable by caring this much for someone. I am afraid to be hurt and feel the pain of my childhood. So, I admit I am afraid to love.

Nightmares

Recently, I am having to face one of my fears: not so much being alone but how I felt growing up. I shared not long ago that I finally admitted to myself that I was struggling within regarding how I felt with my parents.  I mentioned that I came to say I felt "not cared for" as if "I did not matter to them". Well, while many of us struggle to put at bay our past, I am certain some of you will sympathize as I share I have nightmares. I was told last springs, I was having night terrors, I would wake up covered in sweat and or in tears. While my insomnia helped me avoid having any sort of dreams, as I am taking a sleeping aid, the nightmares reappear. Two nights ago, I woke up during the night, crying tears as I felt the pain all over again. I would be with my parents though I would feel so alone and suddenly the pain associated with how much I wanted to feel loved by them takes over. Now, I am relieving in my dreams my past though instead of just being scared, I actually feel what I used to feel though pretended all these past years I had shut down. While part of me is "upset" I feel that perhaps this is an opportunity for growth. Isn't there a saying about having to face our fears to move on? While I confess I wish I could avoid the nightmares, I wonder if I am finally ready to face my past. I comprehend I won't be ever able to change the past though I can control the present and my future. I don't want to live in the past or controlled by my fear.

I tried in the past "EMDR" though in my opinion, I was to scare to reopen my wounds. I wouldn't dare peeking at my deepest and darkest secrets I took years to bury deep within and convinced myself never happened. Am I ready to face my own demons? I am not saying that we all should or can though I am suspecting I am at a point in my life, where perhaps I am more "strong" or rather more "mature" (in the sense I acquired new skills) to confront my past and let go of the pain. I look at my tears as evidence that my past did indeed hurt me more than I want to admit. As a teenager, I used to think I was covered in layers as if I was trapped inside a fortress. I simply refused to be vulnerable, so I had an armor on that nobody could pierce. Today, I want to fly out of my own imprisonment. I want to get out of the dark and fly out to the light. I want to enjoy life and cease fearing that at any given moment someone is out there to get me. I must say the mantra: "I am okay" has helped me and opened my eyes to a new vision: a brighter future.

I can't change the past and what happened in my childhood, nor can I forget the events though I can free myself of the pain by facing my fear. While the tears would normally make me feel vulnerable, on the opposite, this time, I felt empowered. I knew they were a clue to myself: I still hurt from my childhood. I feel that perhaps allowing myself to feel my pain is me helping the child stuck within me. I always thought I was not to speak of the past as instructed though I recognize today that I must face my pain in order to move on.

I can change how I perceive nightmares. I can view myself as helpless and powerless over them or I can see nightmares as clues into my psyche as I go forward in my journey to heal and free myself.