Tonight, the discussion at ACoA was on step 9. As I understand it, I am seeking to right "MY" wrongs done to others. As it was mentioned, I had myself a difficult time to accept my responsibility in my behavior. I felt until tonight that if I recognized having done wrong then I could justify why others would not love me: I was at fault hence unlovable. Reflecting on my need to ask for forgiveness, I admitted I needed to first accept responsibility in my behavior and seek the consequences. Hence, I shared with the group that I felt a weight on me: regrets for my past behavior. I felt guilty for how I responded to "threats" I perceived from others. For instance, I am currently struggling with my fault in losing the trust of someone I care for. I lied to avoid conflicts (getting reprimanded, yelled at) and really manipulate the other person as to how he would respond to me. While, I am certain it may sound trivial to many of you, I lied about taking my dogs out for a walk as I feared I would be yelled I was stupid for spending so much of my time caring more for my dogs than to better myself. I told that person I was shopping at a near by mall, after dropping him off and promising returning shortly once my shopping completed. Instead, I rushed home to take my dogs out for a walk then dropped them home before meeting that friend. He knew I was lying as he had tracked my phone. I lied to his face, when accused of going home to walk my dogs. In truth, I did panic as I got scared I would be yelled at that I cared more about my dogs than him. So, I chose to lie to avoid a conflict, I exaggerated the story by adding that he could come with me to the store to validate I had been there. Of course, he knew I had lied. I had never been to the mall. At the time, I couldn't fess up as first, I didn't know that he had a way to know my whereabouts nor could I accept the consequence associated with my decision to walk my dogs: being yelled at. So I chose to lie. Whatever the reason I chose to lie, I lied and this was wrong. One of the consequences is that I created regret upon myself: I feel guilt and shame for my behavior. I was dishonest to someone I care about. The second consequence is that now I shattered his trust in me; I lied to his face.
While I could come up with an excuse as why I lied, it does not erase my guilt, shame and regret.
So looking further into step 9 brings up the fact that my behavior has consequences. Contrary to my original belief that making up white lies to avoid conflicts is a survival tool, I now see how my choices can lead to worst consequences. Of course being yelled at is unpleasant though at least I could live regret free and wouldn't necessarily be blaming myself for losing the trust of that friend.
Another thing that crossed my mind while reflecting on this trait is how I need to first forgive myself and accept that I can ask for forgiveness though I may not get it. I admitted that as someone who believes in forgiving everything to everybody, I expect others to forgive me. So as a result, I got frustrated that I was not forgiven (that friend does not trust me). Tonight, however, I see this matter in a different light. First, I need to take responsibility for my behavior: I recognized I lied so did wrong to my friend. Second, I need to respect that my friend does not feel like trusting me again. It is no longer a question of forgiveness. I may forgive others though do I really? I come to realize I don't forgive them as much as I choose to pretend their behavior didn't impact me. Though deep inside, once wronged I feel resentment. So, I am lying to them and to myself.
I am disappointed in myself for choosing to lie as a means to avoid any conflict. If I need to avoid any conflict, I should in the first place, avoid the situation altogether: simply stand up for myself. If my friend does not approve of my choosing to walk my dogs, it is his problem, it does not have to become my problem.
Tonight, I will work on forgiving myself for having done wrongs to others and most importantly will make a note to be honest as to avoid having to make amends.
Last, I will share another struggle brought up by this step: I say "sorry" way too much. People reproach me to say "sorry" when it means nothing. For instance, over this past weekend, as I was walking with a friend, that friend cut off someone. My immediate reaction was to say "sorry" to that stranger for my friend' s inattention. First, it wasn't for me to apologize and second I need to examine my own behavior as to make changes. Why do I say "sorry" a lot, even when not justified? I can recall a time where my mother threw a plate at my father and it shattered. I was on the floor, picking up the pieces and telling my father I was sorry for having caused it to happen. I remember my father stopping me and saying: "you didn't do it, your mother did so you shouldn't apologize". I knew he was right though I didn't believe it. I genuinely felt I had caused my mother to throw this plate at him. Of course I didn't, the reality is I was conditioned to feel responsible for my mother's mood. In other words, I learned to believe I was the reason of her unhappiness. If she was unhappy, it must have been because I had done something wrong. Well, I have news for myself: I DIDN'T!!!!!!
Today, I work toward my recovery, which includes changing my behavior. I don't want to keep saying "sorry" when inappropriate.
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