I often say I feel scared, more precisely that I feel as if I live in fear. My friends would say that I am scared of changes. Though in the past few months, as I worked on myself, I realized perhaps others were right: I was scared to find out who I am outside of what I heard growing up.
Recently, I came to admit not only to my friend, myself too, that I was afraid to be feminine. I hided behind the "tomboy" image, as to justify why I always wore the same pair of jeans and only owned a handful of tops. I turned 30 this year, and it has been only in the past year, that I started to wear skirts, shorts and even heels. I still don't wear makeup, and admit, felt reassured when heard others say: "you don't need makeup".
In truth, growing up I feared my mom who was glamorous and feminine. As I grew to "hate" her for all the hurt she caused me, I wanted nothing to do with anything that could remind me of her: alcohol, makeup, Chanel n 5 and even women. Hence, I was a tomboy to avoid all of these. In the past year, I learned I could drink a few sip of wine (still won't drink a full glass) occasionally to accompany my meal. I also learned that I could dress up and look womanly instead of looking like a teenager in her ragged jeans and henley shirts. However, I confess it is not easy and certainly feels out of my comfort zone to do so.
I will make efforts and take steps to grow up into the woman I am meant to be instead of remaining a child scared and living in fear of the shadows from the past.
No comments:
Post a Comment