Wanting more - self respect

I  start to realize  as time elapses, I start learning from my experiences. Perhaps, I finally reached the pint where I had enough? I confess feeling numb at times as if I don't care as much. I obviously care as I speak of it: my past relationship. Though I will confess feeling confused as what are my true feelings. I seem to come to the acknowledgement that I want more and won't settle for less. I want to be respected.

Wanting more - putting yourself first

I find it strange how one can be in denial to protect itself. I thought I knew what I felt and wanted. In truth, I am struggling trying to figure it out. I may love someone though I fear letting myself do so as I fear losing myself and most importantly not get the respect I deserve. I find myself feeling confused. On one hand, I want to let go and love him. On another, I don't know if it is wise to do so, as I begin to think he cannot respect me. As a result, I begin to feel "detached". You see I am tired of pretending and I don't want to play games. There is a part of me that is wanting more, fighting for a better me. It took me a while to figure it out. As I am starting to say "NO" and to set boundaries as well as cut loose these toxic individuals, I start feeling "happier". Though, I will share that I never suspected that would come a time where I wouldn't care as much either. In the end, I am learning that I can love someone though I am loving myself more. Hence, I am not willing to compromise myself anymore. In the past, I would tolerate much, while now I start to think "I deserve better". I suppose I had enough. On Tuesday as my ex made comments as to make me jealous, I felt pain. The pain let me know I don't like it. I confess I don't want to feel such pain again for the rest of my life. I was reminded though during our interaction that he would continue to hurt me if allowed. Whether he intends for it or not, I was hurt and I no longer want to hurt. I suppose when you begin to get healthier, you start wanting more including "respect".

The shame is on me

I recently experienced a heartbreak. The truth is while I hurt at the idea of losing him, my "best" friend, I lost a lot more. I think that the worst thing I lost was not him, but myself. You see I knew he was trouble, I suspected he was a player and would wreck my heart. I fell hard for his lies and accusations. Though the shame is on me for not getting out sooner, preventing my several heartaches. I confess he got me crying too many times, I recall the many nights I fell asleep crying as I felt uncared and unloved by him. I admit I cried hard the week following our break, I had just found out that he had once again lied to my face: he was seeing other girls in my back. I felt betrayed, I had given him my trust against my better judgement. I let myself down as I ignored what I feared and felt deep inside: he was trouble. I could wish I never met him though I also realize that what I came to feel for him was real: I fell hard. I still love him though I am also angry for all the hurt he caused me.

Losing yourself

Recently I acknowledged that I couldn't pretend I was okay, I had been struggling. I would not let go, it seems that as much as I wanted to claim that I wanted nothing to do with my past, my behavior contradicted me. I surrounded myself with people that reminded me of my dysfunctional family: alcoholics or individuals who struggled with their own trauma... It took me a while to "accept" that the only way I would move forward was to let go: say goodbye to these "toxic" individuals. I came to understand that I surrounded myself with individuals that only brought more chaos in my life. I was simply avoiding facing my own chaos by keeping myself more interested in their own chaos. In other words, I was not progressing, I was simply finding a way to avoid getting better. 

I wouldn't let go of my anger and hurt derived from my "childhood". Well, I've got news, I can't change it. I may as well accept that or I can keep hurting myself by choosing insanity. Isn't the definition of insanity: "doing the same thing over and over hoping a different result"? That's what I was doing. I kept hoping I could change these individuals as if I could change my parents. Well, I just found out: I CAN"T and yeah it sucks. Though, let's make it clear now I know there is no point of driving myself crazy. What I mean is I can continue to hope that my mom will apologize and get better or even that my dad will ever acknowledge what happened OR I can take control of my own life. First, I need to grieve my childhood. I can't change it nor pretend it never happened. I need to cease fantasizing that my parents will change or that I can change people. I can only change myself: my own behavior _ I suppose I want to act in my life and cease reacting. I NEED TO LET GO!!! This includes me saying NO and most importantly not surrounding myself with "losers" or "toxic" people. Worst is in the end I hurt myself more. 

I come to understand that avoiding my own problem resulted in more pain. Ultimately running away from it led to myself feeling lost: I lost myself in the process as I denied myself my own needs. 

Seeing the truth

Tonight, I came to realize that I hurt two important people: myself and someone special to me. You see as a codependent individual, I let myself be treated with little respect by that someone special to me. In the end, I sought out "revenge" as I felt neglected and taken for granted. He made me feel as if I could not ever get anybody to like me, he would "joke" that I would never find anyone better than him nor anyone willing to put up with me. So, as an attempt to protect myself, I striked out first: I gave a blow job (no kiss, no sex) to someone. In truth, I was angry at him, I suspected him of cheating on me (btw, he was). He was so controlling to the point of accusing me of cheating on him, of checking my phone, of manipulating me to stay and spend all of my free time with him. If I dreamt of going to the gym, I would hear: "I see you are going to see your other boyfriends... you don't care about me" to the point that I would not go and would stay like a prisoner by his side. I began resenting him. Plus, how many individuals shared with me that his behavior suggested he was cheating. I, of course would make excuses until I had enough. The worst is I did it another last and second time on Valentine's Day. You see he found it funny to torture me and so jokingly texted me that he was canceling our plan to celebrate Valentine's Day together. We also had just returned from a trip to our homeland: France, where we encountered a few situations. Well, I was angry and hurt so being a child and not thinking like an adult: I sought "revenge" as a means to detach myself. I was trying to convince myself that I didn't care. In truth, I felt so much rage toward him for betraying me. So I thought if I did betray him too, I would prove myself that I really didn't care. Well, I did care so no it did not work. Today, he is hurt by my treason and he still does not trust me. Though I comprehend where he is coming from, I am enraged that he does not take any responsibility for his own behavior. I know he cheated and to this day (tonight), he blames me and justifies his own actions  by reminding me that I did wrong. I know that we BOTH are responsible for where we are today. So, I was disappointed to hear as usual that I am the only one at fault.

Letting go and stop fearing peace

A friend pointed out that contrary to my belief, I was not necessarily scared to be happy but scared to find peace. I admit that chaos seems to be my shadow. However, I am proud to say that I made steps toward eradicating "chaos" in my life. Recently, I decided to be honest with myself and stop pitying others. Hence, I had a neighbor who I felt pity for, I asked for my keys back and parted ways. I also chose to say goodbye to a "friend" who is an alcoholic. I suppose I came to realize that trying to go forward when dragging "luggages" (people who are unhealthy) is exhausting and not very effective. I justified my lack of progress by saying I was trying to help them, when in truth I was using them to avoid looking at my own problems. What changed? Well, I am tired of not living my life. I want to go forward and for that to happen, I need to stop my own addiction "getting involved in others' own problem". Surrounding myself with people such as an alcoholic or a loser (neighbor who refuses to help himself) is only holding me back. I made the decision to help myself and as such to part ways with my sickness (surrounding myself with sick people). I comprehend today that saying goodbye to these individuals is not a matter of being selfish but rather a matter of being healthy.

I deserve to take care of myself

In the Red Book (p.139): "I had this fantasy about love. I didn't know how to love myself, so I always looked for men to be my gods. I did anything a man told me to do: I changed my hair; I changed my makeup; I changed my clothes; and I behaved in the way he wanted me to behave. [...] When I left the house and went to work I was a totally different person. I didn't know how to be real. I was a fake. I was abandoning myself. I finally learned that abandoning myself would not take care of my abandonment or rejection issues." Reading this I recognized myself in my past relationships.

I am working on remedying to this. I am figuring out who I am, what I like.  Trying to face my fear and my shame, a friend recommended "Healing the shame that binds you" by John Bradshaw. I ordered it tonight as I comprehend it is supposedly a tool I may benefit from. I want to change. I am changing, no longer abandoning myself.