Being honest with ourselves

In the past few days, I had to stand up for myself: I ended an abusive relationship. Of course, I felt rejected as I felt abandoned, I now was alone. I won't lie I cried, though what I came to admit was I wasn't sad because I was ending the relationship. I mean I was not happy nor in love. I cried as I felt I couldn't change him. I thought I could change his behavior and save him from his own pain. I finally understood that I can't change others, I can only change myself. Hence, if unhappy and feeling abused, I needed to step out and cease making excuses.
I had to understand why I did this to myself: stayed when was unhappy and was abused (verbally and physically). That's when I realized I was making excuses as I hoped I could change him. Well, I don't have that power nor will I ever make my parents apologize to me for what occurred in my childhood. I also realized that I was fake not only with others but with myself. Hence, I was putting others first ahead of my own needs. Breaking up the abuse was my first step: saying enough, I want to be respected. The second step was ceasing to lie and make excuses as why I needed to forgive and accept the behavior. Third, cease lying to others as I was projecting my own fears upon them. Hence, I needed to cease reacting as I worried that my behavior was rejecting them. If I don't want to date someone, it does not mean I am mean by rejecting them. Hence, I informed a friend who expressed interests in me that "I was only interested in a friendship and nothing more". This was difficult for me to express as I feared I was rejecting him and would make him feel abandoned. In truth, this process helped me realize that I projected my own fears upon others. Which in other words is a bit manipulative and dishonest. So began my journey in finding myself and cease trying to please others. This morning, I spoke with someone who overcame my past, she expressed that I had to start being an actor in my life. That comment affected me, she also added that "I couldn't rewrite history". I will admit that part of the reason it resonated with me was that it was said in French, my native language. I then confessed that I had been a fraud, had been lying to myself and others by pretending I was someone else. I came to the US when 19, truly I fled home and hoped that I could recreate a life. It's been 11 years since, and I am lost. Why? Because I lied, pretended to be someone I wasn't. I wanted to start fresh. Well, I can't just keep pretending. I am French and not as American as I wish I could pretend. I suddenly come to realize that I can only be happy if I become true to myself, including being honest with myself and others.

My fears - who am I kidding?

Tonight, I can't stop thinking that I made poor choices, even though it seems that I can't help myself. First, it seems that I have a problem in getting myself too involved with others. I always seem to know what others need or I comply to their requests to the point of stretching myself too thin. Yes, I am a people pleaser. Sucks! I wanted to believe that being a people pleaser meant I was a kind person, always caring and full of humility. Though, in truth I may be very sensitive and genuinely care for others, I tend to do too much. I recognize with bitterness that I allowed myself to become a door mat to some people. Not proud of it. Why? Because I can't say NO is too simple of an answer. Because I don't know the difference is more like it. On the moment, I truly believe I am being helpful by complying though later on, I feel this resentment toward the individual I attempted to please by keeping internally quiet. Well, I presume that the "resentment" I feel is not so much a good sign, rather a tell all that I am a people pleaser to the point of affecting my well being.
Second, I seem to always know what is best for others. Though I am at a total loss for myself. I won't follow my own advices as if I am so different from the people I want to help and really save. People come to me for advices and I get involved. Today, I comprehend it is not a good idea. I project upon others my childhood. I wish I could save everyone else, when in reality I need to tend to myself. I am in need of "rescue" hence, my steps at recovery.
Third, I get myself into these "bad" relationships. I put myself in these degrading situations where others may affect my self-esteem. I already struggle in that department, however it seems that I can't help myself from being hurt. It is like a drug. I am codependent.

I can go on, including mentioning how sorry I feel for myself for being so lost. I have no sense of who I truly am. I also seem to think that one day miraculously I will wake up and feel like a grown-up and be happy. Let's be realistic, it won't happen until I work toward my own recovery.

I need to stop fixing others, it is not my job. My job is to take care of myself. Literally, I need to stop surrounding myself with toxic people and I need to stop lying to myself about my past or how others can impact me. For instance, as much as I wish my mother was not an alcoholic, I need to accept that she is and I have no power over it. Regarding my toxic relationships, I need to set boundaries and stick to them despite my fear of rejection and abandonment I feel when standing up for myself.

Tonight, I wish to open up and share that I wish I had a family, I knew how to love or how to feel "love", I wasn't so lost and knew who I am (what do I even like or want)...

When is it enough?

Let's be real here, being an Adult Child of an alcoholic means many of us still live in the past, terrified to move forward as we don't know how to stop living in fear. I am one to be honest and admit, I live in fear. I am for instance terrified of failure as I wonder if what I heard growing up will become true. I fear I will suck as I was told I was and would continue to be. Hence, I never pushed myself or rather when it came a bit difficult, I chose to give up rather than finding out the outcome. I think now that in some way, my fear has been a false sense of control. I mean by not pushing myself so could avoid the possibility of failure, I thought I was controlling the outcome.
I am certain many of you can relate. Even though we don't like to admit it, we tend to control everything as an attempt to feel safe. For instance, I willingly recognize that I am a control freak in many aspects, as I attempt to feel in control. Why? Because growing up, I never felt in control. I never knew when would my parents blow, when would my mom lose it. I certainly thought if I controlled my behavior I would avoid being hit or yelled at, or simply would avoid getting my mom mad though truly whatever I did never was enough. The message carried on over the years. Today, as I started doing my journey toward my recovery, I need to learn to let go. I simply can't control everything, especially how others will choose to react. In retrospect, I just realized that trying to control others' behavior through mine is manipulating. Hence, I need to admit: "I can't do it alone" nor "is it my responsibility to ensure everyone is happy around me". My real duty is to take care of myself and learn that I need to let go.

The pain languishes/remains

Yesterday, I ended up getting into it with my parents. Within 2 min on the phone with my father, I managed to feel hurt and get angry, I was crying. After trying to calm myself down and have more perspective, I came to realize that at 30 (my birthday was Sunday), I still have deep buried issues with my parents. I still hurt. I feel horrible as I wish to have a relationship with my parents though at same time, I come to accept that it is not healthy for I to be in contacts with them. It hurts to try to communicate with them, I end up feeling "hurt" as I feel "alone" and "abandoned". To top it, my sister admitted that her and my brother are angry at our parents for being so selfish. All to say that what is in the past does not always remain in the past.

Default

Tonight at my ACOA meeting, I was reminding that my recovery can only happen if I am willing to do the work. By that, be honest with myself and do my own inventory when need to. Hence, tonight as we discussed as a group "default", meaning how each one of us tends to do "such" when facing something that makes us feel uncomfortable, I recognized what were my "defaults".

I realized that when I am faced with an uncomfortable situation, I tend to "avoid" it. It seems evident to me that when confronted to a tough situation, I would rather "avoid" it. I dislike "confrontations". My other default tends to be my most common way of handling any discomfort: "clam up". By that, I mean, I would rather keep my own personal thoughts regarding a matter to myself instead of daring opposing someone. Hence, I often end up doing what others do as I fear upsetting or even worse disappoint anyone. Though in the end, I only disappoint myself as I follow their lead. Another default of mine is "anger". I noticed that it is very easy for I to turn to anger when I cannot control the situation I am in. While I am not proud of it, I come to be aware of it and work toward understanding why I choose to react versus acting. Last, I came to admit that another default of mine is "manipulation". I try anything to avoid a situation including trying to manipulate the outcome when faced with something I found terrifying. In other words, I attempt to manipulate what I can't control as an attempt to pretend to myself that I am somehow in control though I am not.

What are your defaults? (I think of "defaults" as my "surviving and coping skills").