This morning as I was reading the Red Book, I encounter two traits which I definitely can relate to. Trait 7 and Trait 11 (Red book p. 15).
Trait 7: "We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others."
Trait 11: "We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem."
Red book comments: "Who could feel guilty about asking a cashier to correct a mistake when the cashier handed back incorrect change?" Well, myself. This particular type of incident happened to me 3 times, in which each time, I felt powerless, I was afraid to ask the cashier to correct her mistake as I feared I would be insulting her. How wrong is that?
The book comments that "if someone feels upset, we think we might have done something to cause the feelings in another." I tend to do that or rather think and believe I am responsible for how someone else feels. Now that I take the time to work on myself, I come to realize this morning that this "sick" behavior of mine comes from me being blamed for how my mom felt: upset. I was told over and over by her, my father and even my grandmother that I was the reason she was upset. Hence, if my mother yelled at my dad if I was complaining I was sick, my dad would then yell at me for being yelled by my mom and would say: "don't you see that you are making your mom upset and hence she is now bothering me. If you can't please her then here you go to my mom (my grandma) to stop upsetting her." Of course, I was sick and later that day, I had to be put into an ice cubes filled bath to lower my high temperature (had a high fever). Other times, my grandmother would comment that I needed to try with my mother, implying I was not trying to earn her love. I was indirectly told I was the reason my mom did not love me. Once again, I was blamed for her feelings. Today, starting this morning, I come to understand that it wasn't true. I didn't cause her to feel this way, she had her own problems.
Further in the book (p.15), it is added: "The guilty feelings we encounter when standing up for ourselves have their roots in not being allowed to ask for what we needed as children. Judging ourselves harshly comes from abusive and hypercritical parents. As children, we went without basic needs or praise." [...] " We refuel the pain of being dismissed or shamed when speaking up for a want or need." This is certainly true in how I felt growing up and how I struggle taking care of myself in the sense of meeting my own needs as an adult. I find it "selfish" though as I read this morning, I come to realize I struggle as I am trying to avoid feeling the pain and shame. Perhaps, I need to stop myself when I think "I am being selfish" and instead ask myself why do I think I am being selfish, am I really or am I feeling guilt and shame hence trying to prevent further pain?
One thing I come to comprehend this morning is that I am not responsible for how people feel. I don't have control over how someone feels. I may certainly affect people as much as others can affect me: frustrate me, hurt me, make me feel angry or sad... However, as I work on my recovery, I comprehend I don't need to let others make me feel something I don't want to, especially when they may not even try to.
Last, as I work on myself, two things come to mind: "our parents passed on the seeds of shame and fear given to them." (p. 157) and "In ACoA we learn to face our denial and focus on ourselves." (p. 159). First, while it is still hard to focus on myself as I tend to feel guilty and shame by thinking this is rather a selfish thing to do: taking care of myself. I comprehend today that these "negative" thoughts and feelings will pass as I work on myself and accept that these were passed on by my parents who themselves did not know any better.
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