Nightmares

Recently, I am having to face one of my fears: not so much being alone but how I felt growing up. I shared not long ago that I finally admitted to myself that I was struggling within regarding how I felt with my parents.  I mentioned that I came to say I felt "not cared for" as if "I did not matter to them". Well, while many of us struggle to put at bay our past, I am certain some of you will sympathize as I share I have nightmares. I was told last springs, I was having night terrors, I would wake up covered in sweat and or in tears. While my insomnia helped me avoid having any sort of dreams, as I am taking a sleeping aid, the nightmares reappear. Two nights ago, I woke up during the night, crying tears as I felt the pain all over again. I would be with my parents though I would feel so alone and suddenly the pain associated with how much I wanted to feel loved by them takes over. Now, I am relieving in my dreams my past though instead of just being scared, I actually feel what I used to feel though pretended all these past years I had shut down. While part of me is "upset" I feel that perhaps this is an opportunity for growth. Isn't there a saying about having to face our fears to move on? While I confess I wish I could avoid the nightmares, I wonder if I am finally ready to face my past. I comprehend I won't be ever able to change the past though I can control the present and my future. I don't want to live in the past or controlled by my fear.

I tried in the past "EMDR" though in my opinion, I was to scare to reopen my wounds. I wouldn't dare peeking at my deepest and darkest secrets I took years to bury deep within and convinced myself never happened. Am I ready to face my own demons? I am not saying that we all should or can though I am suspecting I am at a point in my life, where perhaps I am more "strong" or rather more "mature" (in the sense I acquired new skills) to confront my past and let go of the pain. I look at my tears as evidence that my past did indeed hurt me more than I want to admit. As a teenager, I used to think I was covered in layers as if I was trapped inside a fortress. I simply refused to be vulnerable, so I had an armor on that nobody could pierce. Today, I want to fly out of my own imprisonment. I want to get out of the dark and fly out to the light. I want to enjoy life and cease fearing that at any given moment someone is out there to get me. I must say the mantra: "I am okay" has helped me and opened my eyes to a new vision: a brighter future.

I can't change the past and what happened in my childhood, nor can I forget the events though I can free myself of the pain by facing my fear. While the tears would normally make me feel vulnerable, on the opposite, this time, I felt empowered. I knew they were a clue to myself: I still hurt from my childhood. I feel that perhaps allowing myself to feel my pain is me helping the child stuck within me. I always thought I was not to speak of the past as instructed though I recognize today that I must face my pain in order to move on.

I can change how I perceive nightmares. I can view myself as helpless and powerless over them or I can see nightmares as clues into my psyche as I go forward in my journey to heal and free myself.

Changes are only made possible by ourselves

Since I attended my second ACOA meeting, I heard the serenity prayer. I must say though that until I was ready to seek help by admitting my own shortcomings, did I understand it. Only in the last few months and even really weeks, have I conceptualized the meaning behind it. Growing up, I would do anything in hope to make my mother cease drinking. I thought somehow it was my fault, after all I was always blamed for her behavior. I was the reason she turned into the Hulk. While I must say, this internal belief was once shaken, when a teenager,  by something my father said to me, as I was picking up the pieces of china from the plates my mother threw at my dad during dinner. While my mother did indeed clearly voice her discontent with my father by yelling at him, she also afterward, as I was frozen and didn't know what else to do beside attempting to disappear and appease the situation by picking up pieces as to make it look like it did not happen (delusion on my part), proceeded to say: "this is your fault". Which of course by years of being blamed for her behavior meant it must be true (had been brain washed). Hence, my automatic response: "I am sorry". To which, my father however turned to me and say: "why are you sorry for? this is not your fault, she threw them, not you." All I could think of course was "huh ?" Of course, he had a point, I knew deep within, I had nothing to do with it though I still was used to take the blame. My point of sharing this story is that I thought for the longest time, I was responsible for others' own behavior. I thought if I was the perfect child, I would prevent my parents from yelling at one another though it never did work. Then as my father would leave, my mom would turn her frustration onto me: "you are just like your dad" (I did look like my father hence reminded her of him) and would become physical. As a child, I develop a copying mechanism by denying what I felt. I was torn each time; I knew it was wrong, unfair as I knew I had done nothing though in order to justify the physical abuse, I accepted I must have done something to deserve it. I mean it made no sense otherwise, why would my mother otherwise just hit me for. Right? I must have done something? 

Anyhow, I now know that like many children who are abused, we tend to blame ourselves as we learned to. However, today, I know the difference, I can only take responsibility for my own actions and I will no longer attempt to change others' behavior as I know I simply can't. This process is possible because I chose to CHANGE. I realized I could not fix nor change the past, I could however CHANGE my own behavior in the present hence influence my future. I didn't want to be a doormat for others, I wanted to respect myself enough to ask for it from others. I learned to set boundaries (still a process), something only myself could do. I had to be the one making the changes. Whether my mother ceased drinking would not change how I reacted to others or situations I felt distress from. 

Changes take time and patience as well as practice. For instance, I didn't change overnight, though I set small goals, which at the time felt genuinely impossible. I learned to practice saying "NO" to others instead of always feeling the need to please others even to the point of ignoring my own feelings. I used to fear that saying NO meant I was letting others down. I learned that I was really letting myself down and was indirectly misleading others, as internally I felt frustration toward them. I realized though that if I said NO because truly it was too much, I was being honest with them, really I was demonstrating them the respect I wanted myself. I certainly did not want others to lie to me, nor make them feel forced in anyway. I am still struggling at times to say NO, though instead I find myself telling them why I can't. 

Changes occur if you are willing to accept your own shortcomings. Why otherwise want to change? I would react to others, and really I was allowing others to affect me. I learned I did not have to. I couldn't make others' retract their words nor could I change them into someone they were not. I could however, accept that we were different, and adjust my own behavior accordingly. For instance, if someone I wished to be friend with, lied to my face, I would call them out on it. After all, we all make mistakes, often due to fear. If however, the person could not own up and I felt "uncomfortable" with it, I could hope all I wanted that they would apologize, which obviously they were not going to, driving me "nuts". However, I had a choice. I could elect to keep them around and continue to be a constant reminder of their shortcomings or I could remove myself of this "frustrating" situation. 

I can think of one specific example, I used to walk my dogs with someone I didn't feel comfortable with. I felt obligated to walk with that person. We had met by him approaching me years earlier as I walked my dogs and he walked his. Over time, as he learned my routine (my need for control), he would "stalk" me. I was fearful of hurting his feelings if said something plus, I though he needed a "friend". Overtime, I grew more "frustrated" on those walks. I felt that I was part of the problem. He was an alcoholic and I persuaded myself I could encourage him to seek help. It soon became apparent, he was toxic and unwilling to help himself. However, I was part of the problem as I was enabling his behavior. So, I elected to remove myself. As I tried to alter my routine as to avoid him, it backfired, he began to scare me. Each time though I excused myself when really I didn't need to. So, how could I change this? I accepted I could not change him and I was kidding myself and really enabling him. I believed that I could be the one that would get him to seek help and attend an ACOA meeting. However, he made it clear, he was not willing to change and I knew this was a toxic relation. I had to make changes. I accepted I was NOT responsible for him. I had a responsibility to myself. I needed to be honest with myself. I felt drained and very uncomfortable around him. I was also lying to myself, he was not going to change. So, I parted ways, it was difficult in the sense I thought I was letting him down though I kept reminding myself, I could only be responsible for myself. 

One of the changes I elected to make in my journey is to be "honest to myself" and act accordingly. I know today that I can change only myself hence if I feel like I am with someone who affects me negatively, I need to ask myself why? I need to cease making excuses for them (as my friends tend to remind me, I do this constantly as I want to believe in others). Truth is I tend to want to fix others as I avoid looking at my own shortcomings. I really can't fix anyone else, I know I have my own problems I need to solve. Hence, if I "accept" the difference between what I can change (myself) and what I cannot (others), I elect to do what is necessary. Sadly sometime, it feels as if I am abandoning them though I know I am not and I remind myself that they are NOT my responsibility. A friend of mine (really wiser woman) likes to phrase it this way: "Not my monkeys, not my circus" (a new mantra of mine). 

Learning to be honest with yourself

In the last few days, I admitted out loud a truth I feared. Having a mother who is an alcoholic, I never had the opportunity to feel loved. I grew up fearing her. Today at 32, I realized she still had the power as I struggled with my past and my emotions. I always will want a mother for the child that I once was. However, it is unrealistic and each time, we interact, I end up feeling rejected as she cannot fill the void inside me. I end up feeling hurt. Anyhow, I cried and as I felt the pain, I wondered why? I knew the answer though was afraid to say it as feared it was selfish of I to think this way. Truth is I felt "I didn't matter to her" and I thought it was selfish of I to think it as after all, she is sick, she was not in control of her words and actions over the spell of alcohol. Well, a friend shared with me his story and convinced me to open up. As I expressed that I felt "I did not matter" though thought it was selfish to say so, I felt a huge weight off of my shoulders. I realized at that moment, I had just made a big step toward my own healing. I finally expressed out loud something I carried for too long: how I felt since a child. I had repressed my own feelings as I had learned to, in the end affecting me more.

In other words, like a bad wound, which scabbed on the surface though is infected inside, my feelings had been shut down though they were boiling within, causing all the pain. In order to properly heal, the pus needed to be let out, like my feelings needed to be expressed.

Past still haunting me

Last night, I watched "A monster calls". I cried a lot during this movie though I was most surprised how much I felt as Connor comes to feel "unwanted" by his father. I could relate and I began crying, not peacefully but painfully. It triggered deep buried memories of my own feelings growing up. I felt unwanted by my mother and at times by my parents. I was hurt, as I cried, I realized how much my past still held power over me, it was haunting me. I was not over the hurt.

Growing with an alcoholic parent was not easy, under the influence, my mother could say heartless things that still to this day haunts me as I felt unloved. I also came to realize as I cried that I had two options: pretend it didn't happen or feel my pain and try to grow from it. I chose the latter, I was crying because I had been deeply wounded, I felt lonely and unloved. I saw my recovery as I accepted my feeling of hurt. I needed to accept openly to myself that I was still not yet fully over my past: I was still the little girl who desperately wanted to feel loved.

how to let go and move on

Over the last year, I thought I came a long way. It seemed to me that I had come to accept my parents as they were, not knowing better as they each repeated the shortcoming from their own childhood.

In the last two days, I came to learn that indeed things that I remembered and was told I had exaggerated and invented, did indeed happen. While, I must say that on one hand, I felt vindicated as I now knew I was not insane and had been telling the truth all along, I now am left with dealing with the raw emotions. You see as I was told over and over that I was lying as according to my family, the events I recalled had supposedly never occurred, I was unable to deal with the emotions associated to them. I was tucked feeling alone and doubting myself even though I felt I wasn't crazy, I knew deep inside these incidents had happened. I was stucked trying to get them to admit they had wronged me. I simply wanted the truth to come out as somehow I felt it would free me. Though until two days ago, I had no idea how the truth would actually force me to deal with my pain. Now, instead I feel torn. I am left knowing I was right and not crazy, though now I am also left having to deal with the aftermath. How do I heal in my mind the wrongs that were done to myself as a child. I can't rewrite the past and as an adult, I comprehend these wrongs were rather horrific. Truth is I realize I was not prepared to deal with the pain that would resurface. How do I comfort my inner kid and make sense of these incidents. Do I pretend that because these incidents happened in the past, it is now over and so I can move on? I don't believe it works that simply. It seems that I can accept my family denied these incidents as a way to cover up the shame associated with them. On my end, I feel they wronged me now twice. Plus, now that I know for a fact, they happened, I am forced to face the reality of the wrongs done. How do I feel about them? I feel overwhelmed. In order to let go, don't I need to process what happened as to move on?

The above was written over a week ago, I did not alter it nor will. I chose not to post it until I learned how to deal with it. Today, I feel confident that I know better. I don't believe I have to process it, I simply must learn to "accept" it. The events I recalled did happen, though I need to accept I can't change the past nor can I pretend that I am okay but it is over. I had to face how I felt, then I had to ask myself one thing: Why was it bothering/hurting me? I was obsessed that I could not change the outcome: it happened, I could not erase them. I could certainly learn to "ACCEPT" it happened and there was nothing I could do today to erase them or change the past. Then I could ask for help as I worked (courage) to change how I felt about them. I could only change how much power I gave these events on my well being and how I reacted to them. Last, I came to gain perspective (wisdom) that there was a difference: there were things I could change and others I wouldn't be able to change.

I could work on accepting the truth that my family would not apologize. As much as I wanted them to do so or even thought I could fix the pain by it, I was wrong. It would not change the past. Then, I had to face how I felt: "overwhelmed" and "hurt". I was obviously fixated on it. Was it helping me? No, I was feeling wronged again. So I worked to change how I reacted to it. I accepted I had been hurt, I also accepted I would not get an apology and hoping for one was setting me up for disappointment and more pain. I needed to cease "hoping" and instead "seek what I could indeed change". I chose to cease all communication with my parents. I did not have to pick up the phone to be yelled and belittled. I could regain some control on my present. I did not need to relive my past over and over. I am determined to stop the cycle of pain.

My spouse was another stressor, I accepted I became as codependent of him than of my parents. If they were drugs, I needed to stop all contacts as it only caused me more harm. I never took drugs, though I suspect while drugs may feel good at first to users, the aftermath is worst. Like alcohol, I understand people enjoy the buzz but not so much the hangover. If I didn't want the hangover, I must not take that first sip such as not engaging with my parents and spouse.

I am grateful to have gain the wisdom to accept the reality: I could not change anyone other than me.

Serenity Prayer

When I attended ACOA or ALNON meetings, we began by reciting the serenity prayer. Until recently, I didn't truly realize its power and meaning. Today, I understand how important and necessary I need it to recover and move forward.

"accept[ing] the things I cannot change" - for me this is so crucial. I need to cease wasting energy trying to change the past, I simply can't.

"courage to change the things I can" - I can only account for my behavior, hence if I dislike speaking to my parents, and since it is apparent, they won't change yelling and harming me (can't change them), I can remove myself from these situations as hard as it may be. Therefore, I comprehend it does indeed require "courage". Saying NO MORE to my parents is hard as I still deeply want to feel part of a family. Though with courage, today I must remove myself from harm.

"wisdom to know the difference" - I am grateful that today I gain knowledge to discern that indeed hoping my parents will change and apologize is only setting myself for disappointment. I need instead to work on what I can do: HEAL myself.

In the past year, I worn myself out. As I accepted my own defeat, I could not fix everything that seemed so out of control in my life, I slowly relayed on this serenity prayer to help me through the process of my recovery.

I strongly suggest to anyone who is struggling with their past as it invades their present to surrender and ask for guidance: to gain the wisdom to see the difference between what you can change and what you cannot change.

I think it is fair to say that many in this world struggle with anxiety. For me, I came to understand that my anxiety rose from the things I could not control and was fixated on fixing. What I came to learn is some things are meant to be left alone to sort themselves out. By interjecting myself when I thought I could fix it, I only was avoiding the real issue at hand: it was not working FOR ME. I was avoiding the real concern at hand. My anxiety was a clue that something was NOT WORKING. If everything had been, I would not feel so anxious. By "attempting to fix" it, I was not actually listening to what was happening. I was instead avoiding the whole problem by keeping myself busy, it brought me nowhere, instead brought more anxiety and desperation as I saw no progresses being made. For instance, I asked my spouse to join me in marital counseling since last December, I made several attempts to get him to a meeting, I "begged" literally with no real success. I felt frustrated and not heard. I finally accepted that I could not make him go if he didn't want to. I was trying so desperately and fiercely to make him go that I wasn't looking at how I felt. I simply thought if I could fix him, everything would feel better. I was so wrong. Instead, I finally realized through wisdom that there was no point in persisting, I needed to surrender to the truth: he didn't want to make changes. I could though, I could work on myself as to prevent feeling "anxious", "scared".... What I came to understand as I accepted the truth that he wouldn't work on himself is that I needed to work on myself. As much as I care for my parents and my husband, I also live in fear of them, of their behavior toward me. I also felt so much anguish at how I "reacted" to them. I needed to cease "reacting" and I needed to see the truth: "they were not willing to change"and "I could not force them". If I felt pain, I needed to listen and remove myself from such situations as to not feel hurt.

In other words, this Serenity Prayer has been something I had to work on and to learn from as to gain personal growth. I urged anyone out there in pain to ask yourself what you can and cannot change in your painful situation. If you believe the problem involves another loved one that you persuade yourself if he would compromise, meet you halfway.... would fix the issue at hand, then I urge you to accept the truth: are they willing to change, you cannot force anyone to work on themselves. You can only make changes yourself, though it is not an easy task: it requires that you accept your truth. I assure you that if you learn to understand this prayer and how to apply it, you will gain "serenity".

Never truly over

It came apparent recently that I can't forget nor will I get justice for what happened. I must admit: at times I feel overwhelmed by my past as the emotions flood me. I fear that my past is engulfing my present though I will not go down without a fight. I refuse to give a pass to my perpetrators. I can't forget nor do I have to forgive. I have a right to say goodbye.