It took me a long time to come to this realization: I was trapped in my own head. I hurt and will hurt at times though I am slowly healing. Something I didn’t believe I would be able to do. This past June, I went “home” to Paris, my hometown. I haven’t gone back in 6 years. Truth be told, I felt betrayed and was scared to go back and face them. Face my truth. I lost my grandmother last year, it ripped me open as I felt I had lost my only “mom”. I miss her and hate that I was so angry for the pain I felt that I distanced myself. I wrote to her though apologizing about my behavior and telling her how I loved her more like a mother than a grandmother so it hurt to know she was more concerned about what others would say than protect me. I felt wronged, my ego and or self preservation kept me away.
While back “home”, I was forced to see my truth: I didn’t have a family. My parents are simply unable to care for me nor can I pretend I ever felt loved by them.
Once I came back, I was agitated, I no longer could pretend - it hurt. I felt unloved, unwanted.
Facing my pain and my truth wasn’t easy. I admitted my fear to be abandoned. Then I slowly realized that as much as I want a different outcome, I can’t force my family to “love” me. I can however distance myself, control our interactions and finally told myself: it is their loss.
In the past 48 hours, I came to understand that I was in my head. My fear is only fueled by my past and pain from my childhood. I have a long way to go though I need to not give up as there are people who actually care about me.
