Fear of the future

I have always done what seems necessary to survive. I also endured abuse from others as I was afraid of change. As I find myself now having the time to actually manifest a new outcome, I struggle. Truth be told, I am paralyzed with fear as I realize I have absolutely no idea what I want for my life except stability. Each time, I have been asked to envision my dream life, job, nothing come to mind except “stability”. I wish I could close my eyes and see a picture of what I want my life to look like though nothing appears. This is freaking me out, leading to severe anxiety and panic attacks. 

I am afraid to tell others though I also wondered if this is related to my childhood trauma so I looked up if others with trauma have no idea what they want. To my surprise and relief, apparently I am not alone. It is common with individuals who experience PTSD due to childhood trauma. We apparently have been conditioned to not trust what we may like for a multitude of reasons: emotional numbing, altered sense of self, making it hard to connect with feeling and desires. 

As silly as it may sound, in my mid twenties, I was asked to make a list of what I like. I struggled, I felt as if I could make a list of things I was supposed to like though as I tried, I realized I actually didn’t know if “I” really like these things. For instance, I always ordered my eggs as whomever I was with ordered them. I had absolutely no idea if there was a way I actually like my eggs best. Same with other foods, I wondered if I really like it or said so as I suspected I was to like it. Did I really like sushi…? 

Fast forward to now, I can’t seem to know what I want in my dream life. This inability to project a picture of what I may want, freaks me out. I am realizing I have kept myself so busy that I could avoid thinking about what I could ever want. All I know is I want “stability” which if I am honest I am starting to wonder what does it even mean except “no yelling or hitting, no poverty, I fear being alone”. 

Fear

My beloved dog who taught and gave me unconditional love, recently passed away. Since his passing, I tried to pretend I was okay by running away from the pain. 

I also came to realize that I keep running away from my past and the pain associated to it. Everytime, I fear something, I avoid it as I am afraid. 

I am angry, I hurt. I feel so broken and at the same time I feel I have no right to feel “sorry” for myself. 

Loved ones who I view and consider as “parents” mentioned that I put myself in bad situations to get hurt. As with my family, I still want their love and expect a different outcome when I interact with them. Instead, I am left feeling “lonely, unloved, hurt and angry”. 

A few people who overheard how my family speak “yell” to me and each commented how unhealthy this is and question why I keep putting myself in such situations where I am left feeling hurt. Truth be told, I get hurt then angry and then justify it as I feel this “obligation” to keep trying. Though if I am honest, I know it won’t change. So why? Because I am afraid to be unloved by my “family”. 

I think we all want to feel loved by our “close family” (parents, siblings and grandparents) as otherwise we question how could anyone else love us. 

My dog made me feel I was not alone as we were family. Now that he is gone, I struggle. 

When I get scared or hurt, I run (I avoid reality) and I often choose anger to regain a false sense of control. 

Truth be told, I felt like a little kid all over again as my family was yelling at me last week. I cried as I felt unloved. The pain I felt reminded me how my past was still affecting my present. 

Other relatives who are the closest to parent figures, I think of them as parents, reminded me that I could detach myself by putting space with my family. I want to stop hurting, as such I need to walk away and face my fear. I need to be alone. 

 And I need to ask for help to start healing. 

Choosing Love

 Pain and fear have controlled me for so long. I get angry and react. I recently admitted how exhausted I was to constantly fight to “survive”. 

I was so afraid that I couldn’t see that others were by my side to help me. Fear blinded me. 

As I struggle, I decided to surrender and ask for help. To my surprise, the moment I gave up trying to be in control, I realized how I was not alone. Others had my back. 

Years ago as I attended ACOA meetings, I was told that I needed to surrender to a higher power. I struggled with this idea that a higher power had my back and as such felt I had to be in control at all times. Years later, I am still struggling, I react out of fear and most importantly my need to feel in control has led me to have a false sense of safety. 

I tried to convince myself I was NOT angry though as my world recently seem to crumble, i felt overwhelmed by fear, anxiety and suddenly felt how “angry” I was. I latched out though felt guilt as I know that being angry does not justify harming others. 

My fear and anger come from pain. 

I realize now that to truly let go, I need to learn to forgive. My anger is holding me back and my fear is leading me to take a path that is looping over and over. 

I recently heard “you won’t is not the same as you can’t”. This resonated with me as I realize that I constantly tell myself I can’t when in reality I am the one who won’t. 

If I am truly ready to let go of my past, pain, anger and fear, then I need to surrender my false sense of control and accept help while working on healing. 

I am committed to working on 3 things:

1) surrendering and accepting I am not in control             2) transform fear to faith                                                           3) practice forgiveness 

Ultimately, I am choosing LOVE.

Anger

 I worried if I put my thoughts down, it meant I was giving in to my fear. I realized that trying to pretend I could control my pain was a mistake. 

Ask anyone who suffers from PTSD and they will tell you they would do anything to forget as to move on. My reality is I still live in fear. In constant fear.

I thought if I ignored my thoughts and shut down my emotions I could somehow feel in control. Hence, I didn’t share any posts as I truly believed if I didn’t write it down then I was in control: could pretend it didn’t affect me. 

Today, truly a result of culmination, I was told “I was angry”. It took me by surprise, I thought I had been so good at hiding my pain and fear. Though I must admit, while I was surprised, I came to realize it was true. I was carrying so much anger within me, which I tried to shut down. 

Then the tormentor called and this time, I faced my truth. I was angry and wanted to stop pretending. I lost it and this time admitted how angry I was as I was still in pain. The words came out and I admitted having so much anger and being tired of the pain. I told the hulk how I used to pray that she would love herself enough to stop drinking. I told her how I appreciate that she admitted “hating me” since I was a toddler as she felt rejected (I have autism) (she told me that as a toddler I didn’t want to be touched or hold and would give her that look to not touch me, she felt rejected and from this moment on. she started to hate me). Well, it didn’t change, I reminded her that on the rare occasion I saw her, she made it clear how much she doesn’t love me and as such, I was hurt and I hated her now too. I mentioned how I wish I wouldn’t care but felt guilt as I wanted to be a good daughter and love my mom, instead I was angry and hated her for all the pain. 

I recently came across a fictional portraying of an individual victimized as a child who 20 years later sought revenge. When asked if she felt guilt, she said no and commented that everyday even on her better day, she was still scarred by the trauma. I cried as I can relate. There isn’t a day, that my pain isn’t with me. I live in fear and continually pretend I am okay. Don’t get me wrong, I am aware that i must be grateful as the abuse is over. Though is it really? I still have flashback, nightmare and the pain is with me. So am I really free? 

I hate when people say people with trauma are survivors. Are we? I feel trapped, never truly feel safe. Always, expecting the worse. I am still a prisoner of my fear.  

Anyone who experienced trauma will tell you, we didn’t survive, we are stuck to relieve it over and over. 

My grandfather was a so called “survivor” of the concentration camp but in my opinion he didn’t survive. He had nightmares through the end of his life, relieving the trauma over and over. 

I don’t trust others and I live in fear. I can’t sleep without relieving trauma. Waking up at times in tears and in panic until I realized I am “here” that it isn’t happening again. I certainly don’t feel I am a survivor instead I feel so powerless and angry I can’t be freed from the trauma.