Fear and worry

I comprehend that many of us struggle with fear derived from our past and or more precisely our "traumatic" childhood. Not only do I still struggle coming to term with it, I still hurt. I have the occasional nightmares or flashbacks or panic attacks... I also worry about everything. If you are familiar with ACOA you understand that working the steps also requires that we must surrender hence: "Let go. Let God". If you worked or are still working step 3 then you will recognize this prayer from the red book (p. 149) : "God. I am willing to surrender my fears and to place my will and my life in your care one day at a time. Grant me the wisdom to know the difference between the things I can and cannot change. Help me to remember that I can ask for help. I am not alone. Amen."

In truth, I think that what helps me in times of struggle is to go back to step 2 and step 3. One thing that is mentioned in step 2 and resonated with me is (p. 137): "insanity is repeating the same mistake and expecting a different result." Well, this is certainly true to me as I continue to hope I can change things I really can't. As it is described in step 2 in red book (p. 134): "The insanity we speak of in Step Two refers to our continued efforts beyond all reason to heal or fix our family of origin through our current relationships. In an attempt to heal our dysfunctional family from the past, many of us set ourselves up as a Higher Power in our current relationships. We played God by being all-knowing or being all-flexible to control or manipulate others." then (p. 135) "We mask our efforts to control another person by appearing helpful. We often do not believe we deserve happiness." Well these two statements ring true again. Today, I feel tired of feeling scared and worrying about everything. I may struggle asking for help though I keep reminding myself that without help, I am only repeating my own insanity to play out. Hence, as I turn to my Higher Power for assistance, which includes myself using devotions to get there, I will share one that I find inspirational (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young p. 162): "My Peace displaces fears and worries. They will encircle you, seeking entrance, so you must stay alert. Let trust and thankfulness stand guard, turning back fear before it can gain a foothold. There is no fear in My Love, which shines on you continually. Sit quietly in My Love-Light while I bless you with radiant Peace. Turn your whole being to trusting and loving Me." Another devotion I enjoy reading when struggling with my fear and anxiety (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young p. 152): "Your mind leaps from problem to problem to problem, tangling your thoughts in anxious knots. When you think like that, you leave Me out of your worldview and your mind becomes darkened. Though I yearn to help, I will not violate your freedom. I stand silently in the background of your mind, waiting for you to remember that I am with you. When you turn from your problems to My Presence, your load is immediately lighter. Circumstances may not have changed, but we carry your burdens together. Your compulsion to "fix" everything gives way to deep, satisfying connection with Me. Together we can handle whatever this day brings." So in other words, I encourage you to not let your fear(s) and worries get to you, remember you can ask for help. It is okay to reclaim our life and desire a life free of "insanity". I want to cease my insanity, I wish to be free of fear and worries. So, I admit I struggle and ask for help as I comprehend that there are things I can change and others I can't change and hence may need help. Each step I take toward my recovery is a step toward eradicating my insanity.