Being honest with ourselves

In the past few days, I had to stand up for myself: I ended an abusive relationship. Of course, I felt rejected as I felt abandoned, I now was alone. I won't lie I cried, though what I came to admit was I wasn't sad because I was ending the relationship. I mean I was not happy nor in love. I cried as I felt I couldn't change him. I thought I could change his behavior and save him from his own pain. I finally understood that I can't change others, I can only change myself. Hence, if unhappy and feeling abused, I needed to step out and cease making excuses.
I had to understand why I did this to myself: stayed when was unhappy and was abused (verbally and physically). That's when I realized I was making excuses as I hoped I could change him. Well, I don't have that power nor will I ever make my parents apologize to me for what occurred in my childhood. I also realized that I was fake not only with others but with myself. Hence, I was putting others first ahead of my own needs. Breaking up the abuse was my first step: saying enough, I want to be respected. The second step was ceasing to lie and make excuses as why I needed to forgive and accept the behavior. Third, cease lying to others as I was projecting my own fears upon them. Hence, I needed to cease reacting as I worried that my behavior was rejecting them. If I don't want to date someone, it does not mean I am mean by rejecting them. Hence, I informed a friend who expressed interests in me that "I was only interested in a friendship and nothing more". This was difficult for me to express as I feared I was rejecting him and would make him feel abandoned. In truth, this process helped me realize that I projected my own fears upon others. Which in other words is a bit manipulative and dishonest. So began my journey in finding myself and cease trying to please others. This morning, I spoke with someone who overcame my past, she expressed that I had to start being an actor in my life. That comment affected me, she also added that "I couldn't rewrite history". I will admit that part of the reason it resonated with me was that it was said in French, my native language. I then confessed that I had been a fraud, had been lying to myself and others by pretending I was someone else. I came to the US when 19, truly I fled home and hoped that I could recreate a life. It's been 11 years since, and I am lost. Why? Because I lied, pretended to be someone I wasn't. I wanted to start fresh. Well, I can't just keep pretending. I am French and not as American as I wish I could pretend. I suddenly come to realize that I can only be happy if I become true to myself, including being honest with myself and others.