Over the last year, I thought I came a long way. It seemed to me that I had come to accept my parents as they were, not knowing better as they each repeated the shortcoming from their own childhood.
In the last two days, I came to learn that indeed things that I remembered and was told I had exaggerated and invented, did indeed happen. While, I must say that on one hand, I felt vindicated as I now knew I was not insane and had been telling the truth all along, I now am left with dealing with the raw emotions. You see as I was told over and over that I was lying as according to my family, the events I recalled had supposedly never occurred, I was unable to deal with the emotions associated to them. I was tucked feeling alone and doubting myself even though I felt I wasn't crazy, I knew deep inside these incidents had happened. I was stucked trying to get them to admit they had wronged me. I simply wanted the truth to come out as somehow I felt it would free me. Though until two days ago, I had no idea how the truth would actually force me to deal with my pain. Now, instead I feel torn. I am left knowing I was right and not crazy, though now I am also left having to deal with the aftermath. How do I heal in my mind the wrongs that were done to myself as a child. I can't rewrite the past and as an adult, I comprehend these wrongs were rather horrific. Truth is I realize I was not prepared to deal with the pain that would resurface. How do I comfort my inner kid and make sense of these incidents. Do I pretend that because these incidents happened in the past, it is now over and so I can move on? I don't believe it works that simply. It seems that I can accept my family denied these incidents as a way to cover up the shame associated with them. On my end, I feel they wronged me now twice. Plus, now that I know for a fact, they happened, I am forced to face the reality of the wrongs done. How do I feel about them? I feel overwhelmed. In order to let go, don't I need to process what happened as to move on?
The above was written over a week ago, I did not alter it nor will. I chose not to post it until I learned how to deal with it. Today, I feel confident that I know better. I don't believe I have to process it, I simply must learn to "accept" it. The events I recalled did happen, though I need to accept I can't change the past nor can I pretend that I am okay but it is over. I had to face how I felt, then I had to ask myself one thing: Why was it bothering/hurting me? I was obsessed that I could not change the outcome: it happened, I could not erase them. I could certainly learn to "ACCEPT" it happened and there was nothing I could do today to erase them or change the past. Then I could ask for help as I worked (courage) to change how I felt about them. I could only change how much power I gave these events on my well being and how I reacted to them. Last, I came to gain perspective (wisdom) that there was a difference: there were things I could change and others I wouldn't be able to change.
I could work on accepting the truth that my family would not apologize. As much as I wanted them to do so or even thought I could fix the pain by it, I was wrong. It would not change the past. Then, I had to face how I felt: "overwhelmed" and "hurt". I was obviously fixated on it. Was it helping me? No, I was feeling wronged again. So I worked to change how I reacted to it. I accepted I had been hurt, I also accepted I would not get an apology and hoping for one was setting me up for disappointment and more pain. I needed to cease "hoping" and instead "seek what I could indeed change". I chose to cease all communication with my parents. I did not have to pick up the phone to be yelled and belittled. I could regain some control on my present. I did not need to relive my past over and over. I am determined to stop the cycle of pain.
My spouse was another stressor, I accepted I became as codependent of him than of my parents. If they were drugs, I needed to stop all contacts as it only caused me more harm. I never took drugs, though I suspect while drugs may feel good at first to users, the aftermath is worst. Like alcohol, I understand people enjoy the buzz but not so much the hangover. If I didn't want the hangover, I must not take that first sip such as not engaging with my parents and spouse.
I am grateful to have gain the wisdom to accept the reality: I could not change anyone other than me.
Monday, August 21, 2017
Serenity Prayer
When I attended ACOA or ALNON meetings, we began by reciting the serenity prayer. Until recently, I didn't truly realize its power and meaning. Today, I understand how important and necessary I need it to recover and move forward.
"accept[ing] the things I cannot change" - for me this is so crucial. I need to cease wasting energy trying to change the past, I simply can't.
"courage to change the things I can" - I can only account for my behavior, hence if I dislike speaking to my parents, and since it is apparent, they won't change yelling and harming me (can't change them), I can remove myself from these situations as hard as it may be. Therefore, I comprehend it does indeed require "courage". Saying NO MORE to my parents is hard as I still deeply want to feel part of a family. Though with courage, today I must remove myself from harm.
"wisdom to know the difference" - I am grateful that today I gain knowledge to discern that indeed hoping my parents will change and apologize is only setting myself for disappointment. I need instead to work on what I can do: HEAL myself.
In the past year, I worn myself out. As I accepted my own defeat, I could not fix everything that seemed so out of control in my life, I slowly relayed on this serenity prayer to help me through the process of my recovery.
I strongly suggest to anyone who is struggling with their past as it invades their present to surrender and ask for guidance: to gain the wisdom to see the difference between what you can change and what you cannot change.
I think it is fair to say that many in this world struggle with anxiety. For me, I came to understand that my anxiety rose from the things I could not control and was fixated on fixing. What I came to learn is some things are meant to be left alone to sort themselves out. By interjecting myself when I thought I could fix it, I only was avoiding the real issue at hand: it was not working FOR ME. I was avoiding the real concern at hand. My anxiety was a clue that something was NOT WORKING. If everything had been, I would not feel so anxious. By "attempting to fix" it, I was not actually listening to what was happening. I was instead avoiding the whole problem by keeping myself busy, it brought me nowhere, instead brought more anxiety and desperation as I saw no progresses being made. For instance, I asked my spouse to join me in marital counseling since last December, I made several attempts to get him to a meeting, I "begged" literally with no real success. I felt frustrated and not heard. I finally accepted that I could not make him go if he didn't want to. I was trying so desperately and fiercely to make him go that I wasn't looking at how I felt. I simply thought if I could fix him, everything would feel better. I was so wrong. Instead, I finally realized through wisdom that there was no point in persisting, I needed to surrender to the truth: he didn't want to make changes. I could though, I could work on myself as to prevent feeling "anxious", "scared".... What I came to understand as I accepted the truth that he wouldn't work on himself is that I needed to work on myself. As much as I care for my parents and my husband, I also live in fear of them, of their behavior toward me. I also felt so much anguish at how I "reacted" to them. I needed to cease "reacting" and I needed to see the truth: "they were not willing to change"and "I could not force them". If I felt pain, I needed to listen and remove myself from such situations as to not feel hurt.
In other words, this Serenity Prayer has been something I had to work on and to learn from as to gain personal growth. I urged anyone out there in pain to ask yourself what you can and cannot change in your painful situation. If you believe the problem involves another loved one that you persuade yourself if he would compromise, meet you halfway.... would fix the issue at hand, then I urge you to accept the truth: are they willing to change, you cannot force anyone to work on themselves. You can only make changes yourself, though it is not an easy task: it requires that you accept your truth. I assure you that if you learn to understand this prayer and how to apply it, you will gain "serenity".
"accept[ing] the things I cannot change" - for me this is so crucial. I need to cease wasting energy trying to change the past, I simply can't.
"courage to change the things I can" - I can only account for my behavior, hence if I dislike speaking to my parents, and since it is apparent, they won't change yelling and harming me (can't change them), I can remove myself from these situations as hard as it may be. Therefore, I comprehend it does indeed require "courage". Saying NO MORE to my parents is hard as I still deeply want to feel part of a family. Though with courage, today I must remove myself from harm.
"wisdom to know the difference" - I am grateful that today I gain knowledge to discern that indeed hoping my parents will change and apologize is only setting myself for disappointment. I need instead to work on what I can do: HEAL myself.
In the past year, I worn myself out. As I accepted my own defeat, I could not fix everything that seemed so out of control in my life, I slowly relayed on this serenity prayer to help me through the process of my recovery.
I strongly suggest to anyone who is struggling with their past as it invades their present to surrender and ask for guidance: to gain the wisdom to see the difference between what you can change and what you cannot change.
I think it is fair to say that many in this world struggle with anxiety. For me, I came to understand that my anxiety rose from the things I could not control and was fixated on fixing. What I came to learn is some things are meant to be left alone to sort themselves out. By interjecting myself when I thought I could fix it, I only was avoiding the real issue at hand: it was not working FOR ME. I was avoiding the real concern at hand. My anxiety was a clue that something was NOT WORKING. If everything had been, I would not feel so anxious. By "attempting to fix" it, I was not actually listening to what was happening. I was instead avoiding the whole problem by keeping myself busy, it brought me nowhere, instead brought more anxiety and desperation as I saw no progresses being made. For instance, I asked my spouse to join me in marital counseling since last December, I made several attempts to get him to a meeting, I "begged" literally with no real success. I felt frustrated and not heard. I finally accepted that I could not make him go if he didn't want to. I was trying so desperately and fiercely to make him go that I wasn't looking at how I felt. I simply thought if I could fix him, everything would feel better. I was so wrong. Instead, I finally realized through wisdom that there was no point in persisting, I needed to surrender to the truth: he didn't want to make changes. I could though, I could work on myself as to prevent feeling "anxious", "scared".... What I came to understand as I accepted the truth that he wouldn't work on himself is that I needed to work on myself. As much as I care for my parents and my husband, I also live in fear of them, of their behavior toward me. I also felt so much anguish at how I "reacted" to them. I needed to cease "reacting" and I needed to see the truth: "they were not willing to change"and "I could not force them". If I felt pain, I needed to listen and remove myself from such situations as to not feel hurt.
In other words, this Serenity Prayer has been something I had to work on and to learn from as to gain personal growth. I urged anyone out there in pain to ask yourself what you can and cannot change in your painful situation. If you believe the problem involves another loved one that you persuade yourself if he would compromise, meet you halfway.... would fix the issue at hand, then I urge you to accept the truth: are they willing to change, you cannot force anyone to work on themselves. You can only make changes yourself, though it is not an easy task: it requires that you accept your truth. I assure you that if you learn to understand this prayer and how to apply it, you will gain "serenity".
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