Choosing Love

 Pain and fear have controlled me for so long. I get angry and react. I recently admitted how exhausted I was to constantly fight to “survive”. 

I was so afraid that I couldn’t see that others were by my side to help me. Fear blinded me. 

As I struggle, I decided to surrender and ask for help. To my surprise, the moment I gave up trying to be in control, I realized how I was not alone. Others had my back. 

Years ago as I attended ACOA meetings, I was told that I needed to surrender to a higher power. I struggled with this idea that a higher power had my back and as such felt I had to be in control at all times. Years later, I am still struggling, I react out of fear and most importantly my need to feel in control has led me to have a false sense of safety. 

I tried to convince myself I was NOT angry though as my world recently seem to crumble, i felt overwhelmed by fear, anxiety and suddenly felt how “angry” I was. I latched out though felt guilt as I know that being angry does not justify harming others. 

My fear and anger come from pain. 

I realize now that to truly let go, I need to learn to forgive. My anger is holding me back and my fear is leading me to take a path that is looping over and over. 

I recently heard “you won’t is not the same as you can’t”. This resonated with me as I realize that I constantly tell myself I can’t when in reality I am the one who won’t. 

If I am truly ready to let go of my past, pain, anger and fear, then I need to surrender my false sense of control and accept help while working on healing. 

I am committed to working on 3 things:

1) surrendering and accepting I am not in control             2) transform fear to faith                                                           3) practice forgiveness 

Ultimately, I am choosing LOVE.

Anger

 I worried if I put my thoughts down, it meant I was giving in to my fear. I realized that trying to pretend I could control my pain was a mistake. 

Ask anyone who suffers from PTSD and they will tell you they would do anything to forget as to move on. My reality is I still live in fear. In constant fear.

I thought if I ignored my thoughts and shut down my emotions I could somehow feel in control. Hence, I didn’t share any posts as I truly believed if I didn’t write it down then I was in control: could pretend it didn’t affect me. 

Today, truly a result of culmination, I was told “I was angry”. It took me by surprise, I thought I had been so good at hiding my pain and fear. Though I must admit, while I was surprised, I came to realize it was true. I was carrying so much anger within me, which I tried to shut down. 

Then the tormentor called and this time, I faced my truth. I was angry and wanted to stop pretending. I lost it and this time admitted how angry I was as I was still in pain. The words came out and I admitted having so much anger and being tired of the pain. I told the hulk how I used to pray that she would love herself enough to stop drinking. I told her how I appreciate that she admitted “hating me” since I was a toddler as she felt rejected (I have autism) (she told me that as a toddler I didn’t want to be touched or hold and would give her that look to not touch me, she felt rejected and from this moment on. she started to hate me). Well, it didn’t change, I reminded her that on the rare occasion I saw her, she made it clear how much she doesn’t love me and as such, I was hurt and I hated her now too. I mentioned how I wish I wouldn’t care but felt guilt as I wanted to be a good daughter and love my mom, instead I was angry and hated her for all the pain. 

I recently came across a fictional portraying of an individual victimized as a child who 20 years later sought revenge. When asked if she felt guilt, she said no and commented that everyday even on her better day, she was still scarred by the trauma. I cried as I can relate. There isn’t a day, that my pain isn’t with me. I live in fear and continually pretend I am okay. Don’t get me wrong, I am aware that i must be grateful as the abuse is over. Though is it really? I still have flashback, nightmare and the pain is with me. So am I really free? 

I hate when people say people with trauma are survivors. Are we? I feel trapped, never truly feel safe. Always, expecting the worse. I am still a prisoner of my fear.  

Anyone who experienced trauma will tell you, we didn’t survive, we are stuck to relieve it over and over. 

My grandfather was a so called “survivor” of the concentration camp but in my opinion he didn’t survive. He had nightmares through the end of his life, relieving the trauma over and over. 

I don’t trust others and I live in fear. I can’t sleep without relieving trauma. Waking up at times in tears and in panic until I realized I am “here” that it isn’t happening again. I certainly don’t feel I am a survivor instead I feel so powerless and angry I can’t be freed from the trauma.