Fear of the past or fear of the future

Truth is I still live in fear. I wish I could tell you with certitude that my fear of the past is gone. It seems at times that my past is haunting me. I have times now where I hurt then shut down as to pretend it never happened. I understand it is typical coping mechanism behavior. Though there is more, a few weeks ago, I woke up drenched in sweat and crying, I had night terrors from my past. I know today that I am okay, the Hulk is far away, though is the Hulk truly gone. It seems at times that it is luring around in my sleep or when someone does raise their voice... My past seems so persistent as to resurface though is it my fear from my past or me not choosing to fully let go? Am I afraid to let go as I fear facing my future: a world without a Hulk? I wish I could say with certainty that I have healed and have learned to let go, I can't. I think that nobody with a Hulk parent can truly forget though we can certainly learn to not let it control our lives. My Hulk parent may not seem so far away though I know it is gone and I will not let my fear from my past shadow my future. It may take me time to get over my childhood and my mother's alcoholism though each day is a new day and slowly I continue to heal.

A bit of me

Last night, I blew up. I had enough. I was angry, upset that none in my close family understood how I felt. I ended up emailing them and sharing what I felt growing up. In truth, my mind is going non stop. I can't explain it well, though I felt deep inside the pain and fear I grew up with: it was sort of therapeutic. I was crying as I was typing the email. Again, I don't know how to describe it. It seems that I felt as if I finally had opened up and let myself feel what I felt growing up. I started remembering memories and felt how lonely I felt growing up and how much I wanted love in my life. This reminded me that it may be time to open up, so I went to get my laptop to blog.
A therapist once told me that in order to be free from my past, I would need to "feel" what I buried deep inside. I was informed that as I recounted my childhood, I would not allow myself to feel my pain... This was again brought up during my outpatient therapy for PTSD about 3 years ago. In truth, I am terrified to let myself feel what I felt or even what I may feel as I don't comprehend emotions. All I know is that I can be very emotional. I can't quite distinguish my own emotions and I tend to control how I must react emotionally as if I was to break down I would appear weak. Though last night, I started feeling how I felt as a child: lonely. I then thought about how much I wanted to feel loved. So here, one truth about me. I am not all that strong, despite what I may portray, deep inside I am scared of love. I want to find my other half and start my own sense of a family. I want to be loved. I comprehend however that I first need to work on myself.

What is strange though I suspect is sort of expected, is that I feel I must protect them (my family) of my dark past. I don't want them to feel shamed though I want justice for all the pain I felt. For years, I felt unloved, shamed by them. Today, I don't want to hurt them, I just want peace inside. I don't want to be told I lied when I know it happened. All I want is for all of us to heal and get a chance to be a family together. Though, to be sincere, I don't know how to start. I am afraid that they will pity me for what I revealed happened. I also fear that they will judged me and think that I am seeking revenge by forcing them to open their eyes. I don't want my dad to think I blame him or that I want him to yell at my mom for what she did under the influence of alcohol. Nor do I want my siblings to think I am seeking attention. I don't want my brother and sister to feel obligated to feel sorry though I want them to understand where I am coming from. I suppose I want my own "justice": acknowledgment of the pain I felt growing up. I want them to empathize with me. I want them to stop shaming me for wanting to get the truth out. I need the dark truth out as it has become a poison.

HULK is NO MOTHER but a sick Monster to a child

This happened a few months ago.

As strange as it was, I heard a child (11 years old) described his mother as "the hulk". He expressed that she yells a lot and swears at him like my mom did. He feels little like I felt and struggles internally. He confessed that him too feels shame for not loving his mom: she is a monster. He admitted that if his mother was not his mother, he would want nothing to do with her. I know the feeling. As we spoke, he kept saying I understood everything he was saying, he kept saying that's how I feel, how did I know... Well, my mother was also a hulk to me growing up. While, I encouraged him to speak up and comprehend he is not responsible for the well being of his mother, I also could not stop thinking how many of us are out there. He shared that his mother had a tough childhood, hence he feels he can excuse her behavior. NO!!! Absolutely not. This is not his responsibility. I fear for this child, his childhood has now been stolen from him too.

Our mothers are obviously sick and incapable of being "mothers". I confess it hurt to hear him and see him cry quietly while attempting to make excuses for his mother's behaviors. I wish I could make our mothers get better. Hearing him, made me realize that the pain I felt is a result of it. He kept saying that he wanted to save her like I wished I saved mine. I informed him that it was not his responsibility, he is not a doctor. Hulk is not a mother. Hulk is sick. 

A confession

I drafted this a few months ago though I was ashamed to share it. Today, I realize it may help others. I elected not to edit it though this post claims it to be recently (yes recently at time I drafted it, it happened a few months back).

Recently, I did something I did not expect or rather didn't think I was capable of. My mother "the Hulk" or rather that person who instilled fear in me sent me a gift a few months back. I confess I was more terrified than surprised. I also admit that her gift caused a panic attack, it hurt me as I was flooded with bad memories. While I understood she attempted to do something nice, her gift came across as senseless and hurtful. I felt guilt and hurt. In other words, I wasn't certain what to do with it. Ultimately, I debated that I should get raid off it. It pained me too much. It brought a certain feeling of control as if I was to say: NO MORE.
Anyhow, most recently (a few days ago), my mother sent me another gift which of course reflected how much she does not know me. Instead of letting it affect me, I viewed it as an attempt on her part to connect. I gave it to someone to whom I knew it would benefit. Even my younger sister admitted she knew our mother had failed in selecting such particular gift. She advised her not to though as usual our mother ignored the fact that she could be wrong. Oh well, I took the higher way. I parted with it without feeling guilt. I also chose to my surprise to keep her "FIRST" ever card (note) sent with it. I don't care much for her writing but as I like the card (my sister recommended), I chose to display it as if to say I can accept something from her. This is strange. I must admit despite having tried in past, I don't care: I simply do not love this individual who never acted as a mother toward me and who today I fear.

Feeling overwhelmed

I admit, I have not posted anything as I was going through my own personal turmoil in past few months. As I mentioned I decided to go back in therapy. Not that I regret it though it opened a new door I was not expecting. While I am definitely a ACOA individual, I thought I had no sense of self as I learned to be a people pleaser by having grown up with an alcoholic mother. While I am certain it is part of it, I discovered I "suffer" from Asperger's syndrome. The news hit me hard. On one hand, the diagnosis seems to be a blessing, it shed lights on so many questions I and my family had though on another hand, it also hurt. I always felt different though as I grew old, I couldn't avoid that my childhood had affected me. I have been diagnosed with PTSD for having grown up with an abusive alcoholic mother. Now, I am not trying to blame my diagnosis on my mother though this is where my thinking goes. Asperger's syndrome is a neurological and cognitive disorder. Being curious and especially needing to know everything about it (a trait of Asperger's), I wondered if Asperger's being a neurological disorder could have been caused by my mother's heavy drinking during her pregnancy. As I searched around for answers, I uncovered that my youngest brother was informed by a doctor that he suffers from Fetal Alcohol syndrome (has some facial characteristics as well as some other  neurological impairments). Anyhow, I searched for answers and uncovered that in the past few years, several researches attribute or rather admit that Asperger's syndrome has many similarities with Alcohol Related Neurodevelopmental Disorder. From what I read: "Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and Alcohol Related Neurodevelopmental Disorder fall under the category of Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders. As it is clearly stated, this is not to say that all autism is caused by alcohol though effectively, it is noted that there are many over lapses between both disorders. It seems in my opinion that alcohol could have been an environmental factor in my neurological disorder. I don't claim that it is for certain though I also can't help feeling angry at my mother for harming me. Her drinking may have led or contributed to my neurological disorder.

I wish I could prevent people from becoming alcoholics. I comprehend that nobody seeks to become an alcoholic. I don't judge as I think most alcoholics in my opinion hurt really bad and try to simply self-medicate through their consumption of alcohol. I just wish all out there who suffer would seek another remedy to their pain. I don't condemn anyone who turned to alcohol to sublime their pain, I actually wish they had help. I understand that my own mother had a difficult childhood and so did my grandfather and that both fell victims to alcohol as they tried to forget or literally drown their pain. I just wish the little boy that my grandpa had been could have gotten help as to avoid drinking. I also wish my mother had not had such a tough childhood and could have felt loved as to avoid seeking an escape through drinking. Today, thanks to ACOA, I learned to let go of my anger as I comprehend any alcoholic didn't intend to hurt their loved ones intentionally though I still struggle to let go of my anger toward the harm they inflicted on many of us.

On a note: I wish to praise all of us out there that had whether a difficult childhood (abuse), a traumatic experience (PTSD) and who despite the pain, chose to avoid drinking. I confess I thought at times that perhaps if so many found respite in drinking perhaps drinking could be a solution, though I chose not to as I feared repeating the cycle. In truth, I fear I would become an alcoholic if I got in the habit of drinking even just wine on occasion and I am especially haunted by the idea of ever becoming someone who could inflict harm on others whether physically, verbally or emotionally. I refuse to become the monster.

Feeling confused

Lately I don't know what I am thinking and feeling. Like tonight, it is now passed 2am and still can't fall asleep. I must say there has been a lot that happened in the past few months. My mother seemed to genuinely apologize for not always being a "mom". She expressed that she realized that as she gets older she fears she ruined her children' lives. This month, I sent her 3 mother's day cards, a first for me. I also turned 31 years old and got married without my family knowing about it.
Everything seems to have happened so fast. In truth, I was scared to get married. Surprisingly, I felt more grounded, more secure after as if I now feel I am part of a family. It's as if I longed all these years to feel part of a family: my own family. My dogs are definitely my family though my now husband is someone who may help me build my very own family. He wants 4 kids, we have and share similar dreams. I suppose only time will tell.

In the meantime, it is a journey. I started going back in therapy, it seems I am finally becoming the woman inside me. I feel less so like a child now. Strange though I also feel as if I am lost, feel uncertain who I am. I am working to discover who I am as an adult. I confess I am a bit excited to finally find my path and uncover myself.

Fear of the future

What I come to comprehend is that I let my fear of the future consume my present. Instead of being in the moment, I constantly worry about what will come to happen. 

Truth is I worry and feel justified to be worried as feel I have no other choices: I am alone, I must prevail hence be proactive. Though, I need to let go. I can't change my past nor can I pretend that I feel less lonely today. I don't feel part of a family, though it doesn't mean I can't nor will I not have a family of my own one day. Part of me wants to say, I started my own family: I have my dogs. Though I know there is a difference: they are not humans. I may feel like they are part of my family: my kids as I care for them. However, I longed for human care and love. I want to be hugged, I want to feel the warmth of someone else's long embrace, I want to feel safe and loved in someone's arms... 

I tend to worry about what will happen next, robbing me of the present moment. 

Recently, I felt angry as someone I cared made me feel insecure. I came to realize I wanted more: wanted to be loved for who I am and as I am. Instead, I felt I wasn't good enough and I rebelled: got angry as I thought to myself: "I am not like that girl so I must be with the wrong person". At first, I felt I wasn't good enough then realized I disagreed and if "he" did not see what he had "me" then he did not deserve me and I would be better off finding someone that appreciates me for who I am and as I am. I am after all nothing like that "other girl". This rebellion is causing me to shut down, I don't particularly wants to be with "him" nor care as much. I simply start thinking I must do better: find better for myself. As if I deserve to find someone who takes me and appreciates me as I come. 

His comments did hurt though not like you would think. I actually really don't think "she" was better, I know I am much slender and prettier, though it makes me think if he rather would like someone like her then I am wasting my time with him. I am after all far above her and if he doesn't see it then his lost. He may as well find someone more like her as I am certainly not. I am far more thinner. If he likes her fat ass and thighs then he should find someone like her while I find myself someone who appreciates me as I am: slim and petite. He simply does not deserve me. 

What is sad, is I thought because we had so much in common, I was lucky. Truth is there are more people like me out there. I just haven't tried hard enough to find them.