Nightmares

Recently, I am having to face one of my fears: not so much being alone but how I felt growing up. I shared not long ago that I finally admitted to myself that I was struggling within regarding how I felt with my parents.  I mentioned that I came to say I felt "not cared for" as if "I did not matter to them". Well, while many of us struggle to put at bay our past, I am certain some of you will sympathize as I share I have nightmares. I was told last springs, I was having night terrors, I would wake up covered in sweat and or in tears. While my insomnia helped me avoid having any sort of dreams, as I am taking a sleeping aid, the nightmares reappear. Two nights ago, I woke up during the night, crying tears as I felt the pain all over again. I would be with my parents though I would feel so alone and suddenly the pain associated with how much I wanted to feel loved by them takes over. Now, I am relieving in my dreams my past though instead of just being scared, I actually feel what I used to feel though pretended all these past years I had shut down. While part of me is "upset" I feel that perhaps this is an opportunity for growth. Isn't there a saying about having to face our fears to move on? While I confess I wish I could avoid the nightmares, I wonder if I am finally ready to face my past. I comprehend I won't be ever able to change the past though I can control the present and my future. I don't want to live in the past or controlled by my fear.

I tried in the past "EMDR" though in my opinion, I was to scare to reopen my wounds. I wouldn't dare peeking at my deepest and darkest secrets I took years to bury deep within and convinced myself never happened. Am I ready to face my own demons? I am not saying that we all should or can though I am suspecting I am at a point in my life, where perhaps I am more "strong" or rather more "mature" (in the sense I acquired new skills) to confront my past and let go of the pain. I look at my tears as evidence that my past did indeed hurt me more than I want to admit. As a teenager, I used to think I was covered in layers as if I was trapped inside a fortress. I simply refused to be vulnerable, so I had an armor on that nobody could pierce. Today, I want to fly out of my own imprisonment. I want to get out of the dark and fly out to the light. I want to enjoy life and cease fearing that at any given moment someone is out there to get me. I must say the mantra: "I am okay" has helped me and opened my eyes to a new vision: a brighter future.

I can't change the past and what happened in my childhood, nor can I forget the events though I can free myself of the pain by facing my fear. While the tears would normally make me feel vulnerable, on the opposite, this time, I felt empowered. I knew they were a clue to myself: I still hurt from my childhood. I feel that perhaps allowing myself to feel my pain is me helping the child stuck within me. I always thought I was not to speak of the past as instructed though I recognize today that I must face my pain in order to move on.

I can change how I perceive nightmares. I can view myself as helpless and powerless over them or I can see nightmares as clues into my psyche as I go forward in my journey to heal and free myself.

Changes are only made possible by ourselves

Since I attended my second ACOA meeting, I heard the serenity prayer. I must say though that until I was ready to seek help by admitting my own shortcomings, did I understand it. Only in the last few months and even really weeks, have I conceptualized the meaning behind it. Growing up, I would do anything in hope to make my mother cease drinking. I thought somehow it was my fault, after all I was always blamed for her behavior. I was the reason she turned into the Hulk. While I must say, this internal belief was once shaken, when a teenager,  by something my father said to me, as I was picking up the pieces of china from the plates my mother threw at my dad during dinner. While my mother did indeed clearly voice her discontent with my father by yelling at him, she also afterward, as I was frozen and didn't know what else to do beside attempting to disappear and appease the situation by picking up pieces as to make it look like it did not happen (delusion on my part), proceeded to say: "this is your fault". Which of course by years of being blamed for her behavior meant it must be true (had been brain washed). Hence, my automatic response: "I am sorry". To which, my father however turned to me and say: "why are you sorry for? this is not your fault, she threw them, not you." All I could think of course was "huh ?" Of course, he had a point, I knew deep within, I had nothing to do with it though I still was used to take the blame. My point of sharing this story is that I thought for the longest time, I was responsible for others' own behavior. I thought if I was the perfect child, I would prevent my parents from yelling at one another though it never did work. Then as my father would leave, my mom would turn her frustration onto me: "you are just like your dad" (I did look like my father hence reminded her of him) and would become physical. As a child, I develop a copying mechanism by denying what I felt. I was torn each time; I knew it was wrong, unfair as I knew I had done nothing though in order to justify the physical abuse, I accepted I must have done something to deserve it. I mean it made no sense otherwise, why would my mother otherwise just hit me for. Right? I must have done something? 

Anyhow, I now know that like many children who are abused, we tend to blame ourselves as we learned to. However, today, I know the difference, I can only take responsibility for my own actions and I will no longer attempt to change others' behavior as I know I simply can't. This process is possible because I chose to CHANGE. I realized I could not fix nor change the past, I could however CHANGE my own behavior in the present hence influence my future. I didn't want to be a doormat for others, I wanted to respect myself enough to ask for it from others. I learned to set boundaries (still a process), something only myself could do. I had to be the one making the changes. Whether my mother ceased drinking would not change how I reacted to others or situations I felt distress from. 

Changes take time and patience as well as practice. For instance, I didn't change overnight, though I set small goals, which at the time felt genuinely impossible. I learned to practice saying "NO" to others instead of always feeling the need to please others even to the point of ignoring my own feelings. I used to fear that saying NO meant I was letting others down. I learned that I was really letting myself down and was indirectly misleading others, as internally I felt frustration toward them. I realized though that if I said NO because truly it was too much, I was being honest with them, really I was demonstrating them the respect I wanted myself. I certainly did not want others to lie to me, nor make them feel forced in anyway. I am still struggling at times to say NO, though instead I find myself telling them why I can't. 

Changes occur if you are willing to accept your own shortcomings. Why otherwise want to change? I would react to others, and really I was allowing others to affect me. I learned I did not have to. I couldn't make others' retract their words nor could I change them into someone they were not. I could however, accept that we were different, and adjust my own behavior accordingly. For instance, if someone I wished to be friend with, lied to my face, I would call them out on it. After all, we all make mistakes, often due to fear. If however, the person could not own up and I felt "uncomfortable" with it, I could hope all I wanted that they would apologize, which obviously they were not going to, driving me "nuts". However, I had a choice. I could elect to keep them around and continue to be a constant reminder of their shortcomings or I could remove myself of this "frustrating" situation. 

I can think of one specific example, I used to walk my dogs with someone I didn't feel comfortable with. I felt obligated to walk with that person. We had met by him approaching me years earlier as I walked my dogs and he walked his. Over time, as he learned my routine (my need for control), he would "stalk" me. I was fearful of hurting his feelings if said something plus, I though he needed a "friend". Overtime, I grew more "frustrated" on those walks. I felt that I was part of the problem. He was an alcoholic and I persuaded myself I could encourage him to seek help. It soon became apparent, he was toxic and unwilling to help himself. However, I was part of the problem as I was enabling his behavior. So, I elected to remove myself. As I tried to alter my routine as to avoid him, it backfired, he began to scare me. Each time though I excused myself when really I didn't need to. So, how could I change this? I accepted I could not change him and I was kidding myself and really enabling him. I believed that I could be the one that would get him to seek help and attend an ACOA meeting. However, he made it clear, he was not willing to change and I knew this was a toxic relation. I had to make changes. I accepted I was NOT responsible for him. I had a responsibility to myself. I needed to be honest with myself. I felt drained and very uncomfortable around him. I was also lying to myself, he was not going to change. So, I parted ways, it was difficult in the sense I thought I was letting him down though I kept reminding myself, I could only be responsible for myself. 

One of the changes I elected to make in my journey is to be "honest to myself" and act accordingly. I know today that I can change only myself hence if I feel like I am with someone who affects me negatively, I need to ask myself why? I need to cease making excuses for them (as my friends tend to remind me, I do this constantly as I want to believe in others). Truth is I tend to want to fix others as I avoid looking at my own shortcomings. I really can't fix anyone else, I know I have my own problems I need to solve. Hence, if I "accept" the difference between what I can change (myself) and what I cannot (others), I elect to do what is necessary. Sadly sometime, it feels as if I am abandoning them though I know I am not and I remind myself that they are NOT my responsibility. A friend of mine (really wiser woman) likes to phrase it this way: "Not my monkeys, not my circus" (a new mantra of mine).