My fears - who am I kidding?

Tonight, I can't stop thinking that I made poor choices, even though it seems that I can't help myself. First, it seems that I have a problem in getting myself too involved with others. I always seem to know what others need or I comply to their requests to the point of stretching myself too thin. Yes, I am a people pleaser. Sucks! I wanted to believe that being a people pleaser meant I was a kind person, always caring and full of humility. Though, in truth I may be very sensitive and genuinely care for others, I tend to do too much. I recognize with bitterness that I allowed myself to become a door mat to some people. Not proud of it. Why? Because I can't say NO is too simple of an answer. Because I don't know the difference is more like it. On the moment, I truly believe I am being helpful by complying though later on, I feel this resentment toward the individual I attempted to please by keeping internally quiet. Well, I presume that the "resentment" I feel is not so much a good sign, rather a tell all that I am a people pleaser to the point of affecting my well being.
Second, I seem to always know what is best for others. Though I am at a total loss for myself. I won't follow my own advices as if I am so different from the people I want to help and really save. People come to me for advices and I get involved. Today, I comprehend it is not a good idea. I project upon others my childhood. I wish I could save everyone else, when in reality I need to tend to myself. I am in need of "rescue" hence, my steps at recovery.
Third, I get myself into these "bad" relationships. I put myself in these degrading situations where others may affect my self-esteem. I already struggle in that department, however it seems that I can't help myself from being hurt. It is like a drug. I am codependent.

I can go on, including mentioning how sorry I feel for myself for being so lost. I have no sense of who I truly am. I also seem to think that one day miraculously I will wake up and feel like a grown-up and be happy. Let's be realistic, it won't happen until I work toward my own recovery.

I need to stop fixing others, it is not my job. My job is to take care of myself. Literally, I need to stop surrounding myself with toxic people and I need to stop lying to myself about my past or how others can impact me. For instance, as much as I wish my mother was not an alcoholic, I need to accept that she is and I have no power over it. Regarding my toxic relationships, I need to set boundaries and stick to them despite my fear of rejection and abandonment I feel when standing up for myself.

Tonight, I wish to open up and share that I wish I had a family, I knew how to love or how to feel "love", I wasn't so lost and knew who I am (what do I even like or want)...