Self-esteem is important to finding happiness within self

Recently, I was reminded to reflect upon "self-esteem" at an Al-anon meeting. Interestingly enough, I was obligated to realize I still have a way to go in that particular domain. I certainly need to work on it. Truth is I tend to still see myself through my parents' eyes: never good enough. As if I still seek their approval and hope to ever make them happy. Truth I came to observe, is I need to cease looking and judge myself based solely off their perception. I am not perfect though I am also not what they choose to project on me. I am not fat, ugly, stupid, selfish. I know better, I just need to look back to my behavior and of others to see how untrue these lies are.

I came to admit I tend to anticipate all possible disastrous outcomes as a mean to be ready to protect myself. As a result, I tend to be on constant alert.

Facing my pain

I tend to live in my head. Many will say I overanalyze and overthink, not that they are wrong, though it is what I always did and do as a means to survive. I guess I learned to "overthink" as a means to attempt making sense of what chaos surrounded me growing up. How else could I comprehend why my own mother smothered me and strangled me. Of course, a part of me felt she was wrong though she was the adult, she had to know better so it was easier to convince myself that I must have done something to deserve such "punishment": I must be bad. I presume I learned to overthink and overanalyze until I could make "sense" of what happened on a daily basis. How else could I live under the same roof as my abuser. I had to justify it, I simply couldn't believe she didn't love me for no reason, I must have done something to make her so angry and for hurting me. 

Truth is I didn't understand why and how she did it. I still remember her screaming that I lost the receipt for a Barbie she bought for a friend's daughter's birthday then grabbing me why I felt so confused. I never touched the doll nor the bag in which it was. How was it my fault? Then I remember her putting a pillow over my face (while I laid on the bed of my sister) and not being able to breath. 
Did I hate her? I did, I was mad, upset then I remember once over and she left the room, thinking that it was so unfair but rapidly changing my thinking to "she is the adult, she must know better, I must have done something to deserve this". Still today, I know it wasn't my fault, never touched that "damn doll" though can't help but feel like I can't say I ever stopped feeling "guilt". A part of me refuses to let go and accept that she was "wrong". I mean she is my mom, how else would/could do this otherwise? It makes no sense. 

Truth is hard to admit

I live in fear and in the shadow of my past. I recently turned 29 years old and admitted I was in pain. Truth is I am an Adult Children of Alcoholic. Like many of us, I recognized myself into the traits listed in the laundry list. At first, I didn't want to admit it then I experienced relief as I slowly came to realize I wasn't alone to feel the pain. Today, following my sponsor's advice, I will attempt to journal my thoughts as a means to relieve my pain and better comprehend what happened along my journey that led me to experience so much pain. In other words, I wish to begin freeing myself of my past and fears that trapped me from finding happiness. 

My own laundry list:

1. I don't know who I am, feel lost.
2. I live in fears.
3. I "hate" angry people.
4. I seek approval from others.
5. I am a people pleaser. 
6. I worry about others over myself. 
7. I feel guilty when standing up for myself.
8. I "love" people I wish to rescue.
9. I "hate" and avoid at all cost my own feelings. 
10. I judge myself harshly and have a very low self-esteem.
11. I fear abandonment and will do almost anything to avoid it. 
12. Never felt loved nor do I believe I am worthy of love. 
13. I struggle with authority figures and fear criticisms. 
14. I am terrified to admit I am vulnerable and need help. 

Truth is I hurt. I fear looking at myself as feel guilt and shame from my past. My childhood affected me more than I wish to admit. Feel helpless and fear what others will think if confess I am not strong. 

I wish to set myself free from pain and find happiness within myself. I am exhausted playing someone I am not. I wish to be true to myself and stop pretending I am fine. Truth is I hurt and I need to help myself: nurture my inner child.