Recently I acknowledged that I couldn't pretend I was okay, I had been struggling. I would not let go, it seems that as much as I wanted to claim that I wanted nothing to do with my past, my behavior contradicted me. I surrounded myself with people that reminded me of my dysfunctional family: alcoholics or individuals who struggled with their own trauma... It took me a while to "accept" that the only way I would move forward was to let go: say goodbye to these "toxic" individuals. I came to understand that I surrounded myself with individuals that only brought more chaos in my life. I was simply avoiding facing my own chaos by keeping myself more interested in their own chaos. In other words, I was not progressing, I was simply finding a way to avoid getting better.
I wouldn't let go of my anger and hurt derived from my "childhood". Well, I've got news, I can't change it. I may as well accept that or I can keep hurting myself by choosing insanity. Isn't the definition of insanity: "doing the same thing over and over hoping a different result"? That's what I was doing. I kept hoping I could change these individuals as if I could change my parents. Well, I just found out: I CAN"T and yeah it sucks. Though, let's make it clear now I know there is no point of driving myself crazy. What I mean is I can continue to hope that my mom will apologize and get better or even that my dad will ever acknowledge what happened OR I can take control of my own life. First, I need to grieve my childhood. I can't change it nor pretend it never happened. I need to cease fantasizing that my parents will change or that I can change people. I can only change myself: my own behavior _ I suppose I want to act in my life and cease reacting. I NEED TO LET GO!!! This includes me saying NO and most importantly not surrounding myself with "losers" or "toxic" people. Worst is in the end I hurt myself more.
I come to understand that avoiding my own problem resulted in more pain. Ultimately running away from it led to myself feeling lost: I lost myself in the process as I denied myself my own needs.
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