Seeing the truth

Tonight, I came to realize that I hurt two important people: myself and someone special to me. You see as a codependent individual, I let myself be treated with little respect by that someone special to me. In the end, I sought out "revenge" as I felt neglected and taken for granted. He made me feel as if I could not ever get anybody to like me, he would "joke" that I would never find anyone better than him nor anyone willing to put up with me. So, as an attempt to protect myself, I striked out first: I gave a blow job (no kiss, no sex) to someone. In truth, I was angry at him, I suspected him of cheating on me (btw, he was). He was so controlling to the point of accusing me of cheating on him, of checking my phone, of manipulating me to stay and spend all of my free time with him. If I dreamt of going to the gym, I would hear: "I see you are going to see your other boyfriends... you don't care about me" to the point that I would not go and would stay like a prisoner by his side. I began resenting him. Plus, how many individuals shared with me that his behavior suggested he was cheating. I, of course would make excuses until I had enough. The worst is I did it another last and second time on Valentine's Day. You see he found it funny to torture me and so jokingly texted me that he was canceling our plan to celebrate Valentine's Day together. We also had just returned from a trip to our homeland: France, where we encountered a few situations. Well, I was angry and hurt so being a child and not thinking like an adult: I sought "revenge" as a means to detach myself. I was trying to convince myself that I didn't care. In truth, I felt so much rage toward him for betraying me. So I thought if I did betray him too, I would prove myself that I really didn't care. Well, I did care so no it did not work. Today, he is hurt by my treason and he still does not trust me. Though I comprehend where he is coming from, I am enraged that he does not take any responsibility for his own behavior. I know he cheated and to this day (tonight), he blames me and justifies his own actions  by reminding me that I did wrong. I know that we BOTH are responsible for where we are today. So, I was disappointed to hear as usual that I am the only one at fault.