Welcoming change

Last night, I attended my local ACoA meeting. Something happened: I let go. As strange as it may sound, the lead was on trait 7, the person that spoke shared part of his struggle growing up with his toxic mom. His mom was very similar to my mom. As he spoke, I started crying though the tears felt different, as if I was grieving. I asked for a 1-2-3 meeting afterward. I was informed that I was metamorphosing, changing. I admitted I was not so much "scared" as felt something was different. I struggle with emotions so tried at first to keep my tears, though as they were coming down my face, I felt as if I was letting go of a poison. I can't quite explain it. In retrospect, I felt as if I was grieving part of me: the child inside me who couldn't speak up.
I wish to share that I recently chose to make changes for my own good. I comprehend I cannot change anyone else other than myself. So I am working toward improving myself: cease being in denial about my behavior as an adult. First, I act very much as a "child" and not an adult. I tend to seek ways out whenever facing difficult "painful" situations. If I fear, I run. Well, I can speak from experience, if you truly want to overcome a fear, you must face it. I was scared of motorcycles, so took a riding course. In the end, I enjoyed it so much that I now have a motorcycle. Perhaps, what I fear is not so much what I think I fear, but rather I fear what I think I shouldn't like. Another fear of mine is being alone, so I tend to cling to people. Recently, I chose to let go of someone, as I realized I couldn't be the person I wanted to be for as long as I ran away from my past. While, I confess it was hard to set boundaries, I actually feel much better. I am doing what matters: taking care of myself. I need to spend time to better myself: break the dysfunctional pattern I learned. In other words, I am welcoming change, I wish to uncover my true character and cease being fake.
So, I am grateful for these incredible tears last night, I was grieving. My grief process is setting me free from denial.

Transitioning from a reactor to an actor

In truth, this evening as I walked 4 miles with my dogs, I reflected upon my own response to step 9. As a result, I chose to look at step 8. The Red Book states (p. 232): "We are sweeping off our side of the street regardless of what another has done or not done. We are giving our parents to God, as we understand God. We are freeing them to their choices and their desires. We are separate from them. They have no power over us just as we have no power over them." & (p. 231) "The ACA Solution states: "When we release our parents from responsibility for our actions today, we become free to make healthful decisions as actors, not reactors."
These statements instruct me of an important step: Letting Go and Letting God. All these years, I held on to my parents, I tried to fix them (get them to resonate), change them (manipulate them), and blame them for my own actions (behavior). For instance, I kept telling a friend that the reason I say sorry so much is because I had been conditioned to do so growing up. Though if I understand what these statements are saying then I am just making excuses for my wrong doing and placing the blame on them. In other words, I am not taking responsibility hence I am not acting in my life. If I am truly committed to no longer be a reactor, then I must assume my part of responsibility in my own behavior. To be truly honest, the idea that I can let go of my parents by assuming my own responsibility in my behavior is simply freeing. Of course, I am certain many would disagree and claim that by letting go, I can no longer find an excuse for my wrongs. I disagree. I want to be in control of my life, including my behavior. I mean, yeah, I do things I am not pleased with such as saying "sorry" over and over. However, by actually not hiding my behavior by shifting the reason I do so on my parents, I am simply not taking control of my own life. I am indirectly saying they are still affecting me today as if they were telling me to say sorry now. Well, they are not by my side. I am a grown up person who can make her own decisions. If I shouldn't say "sorry" then I don't have to. Of course, it is a habit I picked up growing up and it isn't easy to change a habit though certainly not impossible. I am motivated to change myself hence, I don't want to keep hiding behind excuses for my poor behavior. If I say "sorry" while it may originate from my learning to do so as a child, I now know the difference and I can't keep blaming my parents for doing so.

Step 9 - making amend to whom?

Tonight, the discussion at ACoA was on step 9. As I understand it, I am seeking to right "MY" wrongs done to others. As it was mentioned, I had myself a difficult time to accept my responsibility in my behavior. I felt until tonight that if I recognized having done wrong then I could justify why others would not love me: I was at fault hence unlovable. Reflecting on my need to ask for forgiveness, I admitted I needed to first accept responsibility in my behavior and seek the consequences. Hence, I shared with the group that I felt a weight on me: regrets for my past behavior. I felt guilty for how I responded to "threats" I perceived from others. For instance, I am currently struggling with my fault in losing the trust of someone I care for. I lied to avoid conflicts (getting reprimanded, yelled at) and really manipulate the other person as to how he would respond to me. While, I am certain it may sound trivial to many of you, I lied about taking my dogs out for a walk as I feared I would be yelled I was stupid for spending so much of my time caring more for my dogs than to better myself. I told that person I was shopping at a near by mall, after dropping him off and promising returning shortly once my shopping completed. Instead, I rushed home to take my dogs out for a walk then dropped them home before meeting that friend. He knew I was lying as he had tracked my phone. I lied to his face, when accused of going home to walk my dogs. In truth, I did panic as I got scared I would be yelled at that I cared more about my dogs than him. So, I chose to lie to avoid a conflict, I exaggerated the story by adding that he could come with me to the store to validate I had been there. Of course, he knew I had lied. I had never been to the mall. At the time, I couldn't fess up as first, I didn't know that he had a way to know my whereabouts nor could I accept the consequence associated with my decision to walk my dogs: being yelled at. So I chose to lie. Whatever the reason I chose to lie, I lied and this was wrong. One of the consequences is that I created regret upon myself: I feel guilt and shame for my behavior. I was dishonest to someone I care about. The second consequence is that now I shattered his trust in me; I lied to his face.
While I could come up with an excuse as why I lied, it does not erase my guilt, shame and regret.

So looking further into step 9 brings up the fact that my behavior has consequences. Contrary to my original belief that making up white lies to avoid conflicts is a survival tool, I now see how my choices can lead to worst consequences. Of course being yelled at is unpleasant though at least I could live regret free and wouldn't necessarily be blaming myself for losing the trust of that friend.

Another thing that crossed my mind while reflecting on this trait is how I need to first forgive myself and accept that I can ask for forgiveness though I may not get it. I admitted that as someone who believes in forgiving everything to everybody, I expect others to forgive me. So as a result, I got frustrated that I was not forgiven (that friend does not trust me). Tonight, however, I see this matter in a different light. First, I need to take responsibility for my behavior: I recognized I lied so did wrong to my friend. Second, I need to respect that my friend does not feel like trusting me again. It is no longer a question of forgiveness. I may forgive others though do I really? I come to realize I don't forgive them as much as I choose to pretend their behavior didn't impact me. Though deep inside, once wronged I feel resentment. So, I am lying to them and to myself.

I am disappointed in myself for choosing to lie as a means to avoid any conflict. If I need to avoid any conflict, I should in the first place, avoid the situation altogether: simply stand up for myself. If my friend does not approve of my choosing to walk my dogs, it is his problem, it does not have to become my problem.

Tonight, I will work on forgiving myself for having done wrongs to others and most importantly will make a note to be honest as to avoid having to make amends.

Last, I will share another struggle brought up by this step: I say "sorry" way too much. People reproach me to say "sorry" when it means nothing. For instance, over this past weekend, as I was walking with a friend, that friend cut off someone. My immediate reaction was to say "sorry" to that stranger for my friend' s inattention. First, it wasn't for me to apologize and second I need to examine my own behavior as to make changes. Why do I say "sorry" a lot, even when not justified? I can recall a time where my mother threw a plate at my father and it shattered. I was on the floor, picking up the pieces and telling my father I was sorry for having caused it to happen. I remember my father stopping me and saying: "you didn't do it, your mother did so you shouldn't apologize". I knew he was right though I didn't believe it. I genuinely felt I had caused my mother to throw this plate at him. Of course I didn't, the reality is I was conditioned to feel responsible for my mother's mood. In other words, I learned to believe I was the reason of her unhappiness. If she was unhappy, it must have been because I had done something wrong. Well, I have news for myself: I DIDN'T!!!!!!

Today, I work toward my recovery, which includes changing my behavior. I don't want to keep saying "sorry" when inappropriate.

Making progress while learning to be patient

Last night, I attended an EA meeting (Emotions Anonymous) and tonight a CoDA meeting (Codependent Anonymous). I confess I really believe that these help me work on my recovery. How? I am obligated to work on myself and acknowledge my behavior. Tonight, I acknowledged that I still have anger from my childhood, I expressed how I felt abandoned by my father. Despite comprehending he and my mom did not know any better, they did not have the tools to be better parents. I am upset that he didn't shield me better from her illness. I also blurted out something that shocked me once out: he told me that my mother began drinking when she was pregnant with me. I resented him for saying this as I felt he was blaming me for her drinking. I felt he was saying that I caused my mom to drink as a means to cope with her pregnancy. All these years, I felt I was being told I was responsible for her drinking. That infuriates me as I felt shame and guilt. In truth, I still struggle with my feelings toward my parents. On one hand, I feel I must love them despite the pain. On another hand, I pity them as I feel sorry for what happened to them when little. Which led me to think or rather ask myself a hard question: do I love or pity them? Isn't one of my traits confusing pity  and love? Do I love them? or do I pity them? In truth at this point, I don't know. While I start feeling anxious as what should be my answer, I remind myself "one day at a time" and to give it to God "let go, let God". So for tonight, I will not torture myself as to figure out what I feel for them: pity or love. Instead, I will pray for further guidance and courage to keep working on my own recovery. I will ask for help with my anxiety by wishing for more serenity and peace.

A step at a time, a day at a time...

This morning as I was reading the Red Book, I encounter two traits which I definitely can relate to. Trait 7 and Trait 11 (Red book p. 15).

Trait 7: "We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others."

Trait 11: "We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem."

Red book comments: "Who could feel guilty about asking a cashier to correct a mistake when the cashier handed back incorrect change?" Well, myself. This particular type of incident happened to me 3 times, in which each time, I felt powerless, I was afraid to ask the cashier to correct her mistake as I feared I would be insulting her. How wrong is that?
The book comments that "if someone feels upset, we think we might have done something to cause the feelings in another." I tend to do that or rather think and believe I am responsible for how someone else feels. Now that I take the time to work on myself, I come to realize this morning that this "sick" behavior of mine comes from me being blamed for how my mom felt: upset. I was told over and over by her, my father and even my grandmother that I was the reason she was upset. Hence, if my mother yelled at my dad if I was complaining I was sick, my dad would then yell at me for being yelled by my mom and would say: "don't you see that you are making your mom upset and hence she is now bothering me. If you can't please her then here you go to my mom (my grandma) to stop upsetting her." Of course, I was sick and later that day, I had to be put into an ice cubes filled bath to lower my high temperature (had a high fever). Other times, my grandmother would comment that I needed to try with my mother, implying I was not trying to earn her love. I was indirectly told I was the reason my mom did not love me. Once again, I was blamed for her feelings. Today, starting this morning, I come to understand that it wasn't true. I  didn't cause her to feel this way, she had her own problems.
Further in the book (p.15), it is added: "The guilty feelings we encounter when standing up for ourselves have their roots in not being allowed to ask for what we needed as children. Judging ourselves harshly comes from abusive and hypercritical parents. As children, we went without basic needs or praise." [...] " We refuel the pain of being dismissed or shamed when speaking up for a want or need." This is certainly true in how I felt growing up and how I struggle taking care of myself in the sense of meeting my own needs as an adult. I find it "selfish" though as I read this morning, I come to realize I struggle as I am trying to avoid feeling the pain and shame. Perhaps, I need to stop myself when I think "I am being selfish" and instead ask myself why do I think I am being selfish, am I really or am I feeling guilt and shame hence trying to prevent further pain?
One thing I come to comprehend this morning is that I am not responsible for how people feel. I don't have control over how someone feels. I may certainly affect people as much as others can affect me: frustrate me, hurt me, make me feel angry or sad... However, as I work on my recovery, I comprehend I don't need to let others make me feel something I don't want to, especially when they may not even try to.

Last, as I work on myself, two things come to mind: "our parents passed on the seeds of shame and fear given to them." (p. 157) and "In ACoA we learn to face our denial and focus on ourselves." (p. 159).  First, while it is still hard to focus on myself as I tend to feel guilty and shame by thinking this is rather a selfish thing to do: taking care of myself. I comprehend today that these "negative" thoughts and feelings will pass as I work on myself and accept that these were passed on by my parents who themselves did not know any better.

A closer look at trait 6

Tonight, the lead discussed at my ACoA meeting was on trait 6: "We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults"

I have to confess this trait is certainly pertinent to me. I confess that I had started recently to recognize my tendency to get myself into others' drama. As for instance when I got myself involved with the kid who was a heroin addict or with that acquaintance who is going through a divorce. I also reflected on the fact that I felt more in power as I came to be now aware of my tendency to feel responsible for others, hence my need to work on setting boundaries. I shared that when thoughts crossed my mind about others and their own problems, I pull my red book and instead keep myself busy about working my own steps. I suppose in a way I am shifting my attention to my own drama. I shouldn't fix others, I should fix myself. I also agreed that by concerning myself with others' problems, not only was I avoiding looking at my own problem, I was playing the victim. As it is mentioned in the Red Book (p. 14) "by taking on too much work and responsibility, the person can vault into a fit of rage, collapse, or isolation. The person hopes to garner sympathy and pity. The victim reemerges." Well, I don't want to become that resentful person when I am overwhelmed and then play the victim. Plus, as the book states (p. 14): "by concerning ourselves with others and their chaos, we avoid doing anything about our own lives. By being overly concerned about others, adult children wrongly think they are involved in life. In reality they are missing life." Once again, "playing the victim or being overly responsible allows the adult child to avoid focusing on himself or herself." (p. 14) Well, I don't want to miss out on my life nor do I want to manipulate others by playing the victim.

Making a choice as a step to let go

Reading the Red Book from ACoA, I came across "letting go creates stronger boundaries" (p. 148). It is explained that "the more we let go, the stronger our boundaries become" (p. 148). As I work once again on my step three, I come to comprehend that in order to let go, I "must realize what letting go means." (p. 146) I also accept that I "will invariably struggle with control and self-doubt" and that "such struggles are only natural since [I] relied on controlling [my] feelings and emotions to survive in [my] homes and relationships" hence "control meant a sense of safety and predictability; however, [I] surrendered much of [my] personality and spirit through this manner of living" (p. 145-146). Further more, "we let go of control by asking for what we need instead of manipulating others for things we really don't want". Hence, I started to try something new: I gardened as a choice. I didn't garden out of fear or as a mean to control, I garden for the pleasure of trying something new.

Setting yourself as to be used

In the last few days, I attended an Emotions Anonymous meeting and a Codependent Anonymous meeting. Reflecting upon these meetings, I come to realize I need to forgive myself: let go. I confess I attempt to control all I ever do as I hope to manipulate the outcome. Hence, I don't let myself "play" or even "laugh" out of fear to be punished if do so. I admitted I am afraid to let go and learn to be happy. Someone mentioned that even my need to pay my way when dating is setting myself as a victim. In truth, I shared that I don't let men or others pay for me as I fear I will owe them something for it. However, that someone expressed that by not letting them pay, I was permitting these people to use me. I hadn't thought of it this way, though it seems to make sense. For instance, I complained that my boyfriends have never or rarely treated me to dinner. Why would they if they know I will pick up the tab. Not only am I setting myself to be victimized as used, I also don't let them pull their own weight into the relationship.

Giving up my false sense of being in control

As I expressed in my last post, I get myself into situations that I regret afterward. For instance, I have a false relationship with someone who is struggling in his personal life: divorce and a sibling in the hospital. I know that I got sucked in as he wished to see me as a friend. In truth, I feel very uncomfortable around him. I wish I could help though I comprehend today that I can't. I need to set boundaries. For one, his marriage regards him, I can listen though I admit I don't want to get involved. It regards him and his spouse. This also makes me realize that my "own" relationship regards me and my loved one and nobody else. I comprehend that we all are guilty of seeking advises from our so called "friends" though I start to think we are fraud. By that I mean, in truth I think we vent more about what we cannot control, than seek advises. For instance, sometimes our "friends" will tell us what we already know and don't want to hear. As a result, we pretend or rather ignore their "advises", meaning we don't listen. Second, there is two side to every story, meaning he is seeking a sympathetic ear. Well that's great but I am not a shrink nor am I better experienced to advise him. I mean I can't even figure my own relationship. Third, by letting him call me whenever, he is interfering in my own life. He also is forming a "relationship" I don't want. It is inappropriate toward my loved one. I now comprehend that I am at fault for permitting these types of situations to affect me. So, I informed that friend that while I wish him well through this difficult time, (I will certainly wish well for his sister and hope that this phase of his life (his divorce) sorts itself out soon,) I have my own problems to sort out. Hence, I am no longer picking up the phone when he calls nor do I agree to meet to discuss his life. He has a lawyer and his close family and friends for this. I don't owe him my own life.
Last week I would pick up when he'd call or would return his call even though didn't want to. I would say what he wanted to hear, essentially he was right about the divorce and that hope was not lost for his sister. In truth, I was doing it because I thought I was "God" I could help him. No, I was delusional and stressed out. I felt guilty for not picking up to hear all about his sorrows, or I'd feel wrong as I have a loved one and fear that my talking to this man was totally disrespectful to him. I now recognize that I placed myself in that situation. I suppose I chose to remove myself from this situation as I realized I had my own problems to deal with: sorting my life. As my friend likes to say: I must put myself first and stop being a doormat for others.

A step of recovery is to let go and accept the help of a higher power. Below is something that helped me say "no more" (from Jesus today by Sarah Young p. 6): "You feel held down, held back, and powerless to change things. You long to break free and feel in control of your life once again. Although this is an uncomfortable position, it is actually a good place to be. Your discomfort awakens you from the slumber of routine and reminds you that I am in charge of your life."

I was tired of feeling "guilty" and uncomfortable after listening to this man so I had to let go, accept I am not God so can't solve his issues. Also, I had to stop trying to be in control when I am not. So here I am giving it up as it says in 1 Peter 5:6-7 (from Jesus today p. 7): "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
I humbled myself by accepting I am not God and can't fix others or him. I also accepted that the feelings of guilt I felt expressed my discomfort so I had to cease this unhealthy relation.

Accepting responsibility

Recently as I was reading about the steps though also working at "letting go" and doing my own inventory of what I needed to change in regard to my own behavior, I realized I needed to take "responsibility" even though it seems much easier to hide behind "it's not my doing". In truth, I have to admit my life is chaotic, I tend to recreate the chaos of my past. I may have the answer to why though now I need to stop justifying it, I need to eliminate it. Hence, I confess I tend to surround myself with people that I "try" to save. A person pointed out that I surround myself with "losers" and it kind of hurt though he was right. I don't mean to sound mean nor judgmental, I do surround myself with people who have issues. Perhaps, I can hide from my responsibility in this matter, by claiming they find me (we tend to attract such people) or I can as of today, accept my part of responsibility. Hence, I admit (not that I like it) I get myself in these "unhealthy" relationships. For instance, while I like to believe I was doing a good deed, by helping that man's son who was a heroin addict, I may have help though in the process, I was very stressed out and as my friend pointed out, put myself in dangerous situations. Without quoting exactly: I acted stupid. In truth, when he said it, I couldn't understand, all I kept on thinking is I am doing the right thing, I am helping. Though, as I "think" now, I come to realize I wasn't necessarily helping for the right reason as I was using that situation to avoid my own. I was seeking to "save" him as I wished I could have saved my mom. Even worse, by getting involved, I put myself in jeopardy and avoided taking steps to improve my own life.
It dunned on me tonight that in truth that "friend" pointed out the inevitable: I avoid taking responsibility for my own life. I need to cease surrounding myself with such people. Let's be honest, I can't help anyone nor am I God. As it is mentioned in the red book, I try to play God when I am not. It is time for me to truly let go and cease getting involved in people's lives. I have my own life to be involved in, as that friend likes to say: "I must act and cease being a spectator in my life".

Fear and worry

I comprehend that many of us struggle with fear derived from our past and or more precisely our "traumatic" childhood. Not only do I still struggle coming to term with it, I still hurt. I have the occasional nightmares or flashbacks or panic attacks... I also worry about everything. If you are familiar with ACOA you understand that working the steps also requires that we must surrender hence: "Let go. Let God". If you worked or are still working step 3 then you will recognize this prayer from the red book (p. 149) : "God. I am willing to surrender my fears and to place my will and my life in your care one day at a time. Grant me the wisdom to know the difference between the things I can and cannot change. Help me to remember that I can ask for help. I am not alone. Amen."

In truth, I think that what helps me in times of struggle is to go back to step 2 and step 3. One thing that is mentioned in step 2 and resonated with me is (p. 137): "insanity is repeating the same mistake and expecting a different result." Well, this is certainly true to me as I continue to hope I can change things I really can't. As it is described in step 2 in red book (p. 134): "The insanity we speak of in Step Two refers to our continued efforts beyond all reason to heal or fix our family of origin through our current relationships. In an attempt to heal our dysfunctional family from the past, many of us set ourselves up as a Higher Power in our current relationships. We played God by being all-knowing or being all-flexible to control or manipulate others." then (p. 135) "We mask our efforts to control another person by appearing helpful. We often do not believe we deserve happiness." Well these two statements ring true again. Today, I feel tired of feeling scared and worrying about everything. I may struggle asking for help though I keep reminding myself that without help, I am only repeating my own insanity to play out. Hence, as I turn to my Higher Power for assistance, which includes myself using devotions to get there, I will share one that I find inspirational (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young p. 162): "My Peace displaces fears and worries. They will encircle you, seeking entrance, so you must stay alert. Let trust and thankfulness stand guard, turning back fear before it can gain a foothold. There is no fear in My Love, which shines on you continually. Sit quietly in My Love-Light while I bless you with radiant Peace. Turn your whole being to trusting and loving Me." Another devotion I enjoy reading when struggling with my fear and anxiety (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young p. 152): "Your mind leaps from problem to problem to problem, tangling your thoughts in anxious knots. When you think like that, you leave Me out of your worldview and your mind becomes darkened. Though I yearn to help, I will not violate your freedom. I stand silently in the background of your mind, waiting for you to remember that I am with you. When you turn from your problems to My Presence, your load is immediately lighter. Circumstances may not have changed, but we carry your burdens together. Your compulsion to "fix" everything gives way to deep, satisfying connection with Me. Together we can handle whatever this day brings." So in other words, I encourage you to not let your fear(s) and worries get to you, remember you can ask for help. It is okay to reclaim our life and desire a life free of "insanity". I want to cease my insanity, I wish to be free of fear and worries. So, I admit I struggle and ask for help as I comprehend that there are things I can change and others I can't change and hence may need help. Each step I take toward my recovery is a step toward eradicating my insanity.