In the last few days, I admitted out loud a truth I feared. Having a mother who is an alcoholic, I never had the opportunity to feel loved. I grew up fearing her. Today at 32, I realized she still had the power as I struggled with my past and my emotions. I always will want a mother for the child that I once was. However, it is unrealistic and each time, we interact, I end up feeling rejected as she cannot fill the void inside me. I end up feeling hurt. Anyhow, I cried and as I felt the pain, I wondered why? I knew the answer though was afraid to say it as feared it was selfish of I to think this way. Truth is I felt "I didn't matter to her" and I thought it was selfish of I to think it as after all, she is sick, she was not in control of her words and actions over the spell of alcohol. Well, a friend shared with me his story and convinced me to open up. As I expressed that I felt "I did not matter" though thought it was selfish to say so, I felt a huge weight off of my shoulders. I realized at that moment, I had just made a big step toward my own healing. I finally expressed out loud something I carried for too long: how I felt since a child. I had repressed my own feelings as I had learned to, in the end affecting me more.
In other words, like a bad wound, which scabbed on the surface though is infected inside, my feelings had been shut down though they were boiling within, causing all the pain. In order to properly heal, the pus needed to be let out, like my feelings needed to be expressed.
