Fear of change or fear of finding my true self

I often say I feel scared, more precisely that I feel as if I live in fear. My friends would say that I am scared of changes. Though in the past few months, as I worked on myself, I realized perhaps others were right: I was scared to find out who I am outside of what I heard growing up.

Recently, I came to admit not only to my friend, myself too, that I was afraid to be feminine. I hided behind the "tomboy" image, as to justify why I always wore the same pair of jeans and only owned a handful of tops. I turned 30 this year, and it has been only in the past year, that I started to wear skirts, shorts and even heels. I still don't wear makeup, and admit, felt reassured when heard others say: "you don't need makeup".

In truth, growing up I feared my mom who was glamorous and feminine. As I grew to "hate" her for all the hurt she caused me, I wanted nothing to do with anything that could remind me of her: alcohol, makeup, Chanel n 5 and even women. Hence, I was a tomboy to avoid all of these. In the past year, I learned I could drink a few sip of wine (still won't drink a full glass) occasionally to accompany my meal. I also learned that I could dress up and look womanly instead of looking like a teenager in her ragged jeans and henley shirts. However, I confess it is not easy and certainly feels out of my comfort zone to do so.

I will make efforts and take steps to grow up into the woman I am meant to be instead of remaining a child scared and living in fear of the shadows from the past.

why is it so easy to hide the truth

Today, I was reminded why I tend to hide the truth. When I fear I will be disappointing someone, I catch myself "lying", I am not proud of it. I am not seeking a way to avoid responsibility though I am willing to bet that many of us do it subconsciously as we fear the possible consequences to our actions: being blamed, shamed and hurt. In other words, I admit I might catch myself lying to avoid being hurt. I fear I will disappoint someone with the truth. I also notice that I sometime do it to hide my ugly truth: who I am. I have no idea who I am and I certainly fear being someone others won't like. This is one of the reason: I am codependent in my relationships.