Last night, I blew up. I had enough. I was angry, upset that none in my close family understood how I felt. I ended up emailing them and sharing what I felt growing up. In truth, my mind is going non stop. I can't explain it well, though I felt deep inside the pain and fear I grew up with: it was sort of therapeutic. I was crying as I was typing the email. Again, I don't know how to describe it. It seems that I felt as if I finally had opened up and let myself feel what I felt growing up. I started remembering memories and felt how lonely I felt growing up and how much I wanted love in my life. This reminded me that it may be time to open up, so I went to get my laptop to blog.
A therapist once told me that in order to be free from my past, I would need to "feel" what I buried deep inside. I was informed that as I recounted my childhood, I would not allow myself to feel my pain... This was again brought up during my outpatient therapy for PTSD about 3 years ago. In truth, I am terrified to let myself feel what I felt or even what I may feel as I don't comprehend emotions. All I know is that I can be very emotional. I can't quite distinguish my own emotions and I tend to control how I must react emotionally as if I was to break down I would appear weak. Though last night, I started feeling how I felt as a child: lonely. I then thought about how much I wanted to feel loved. So here, one truth about me. I am not all that strong, despite what I may portray, deep inside I am scared of love. I want to find my other half and start my own sense of a family. I want to be loved. I comprehend however that I first need to work on myself.
What is strange though I suspect is sort of expected, is that I feel I must protect them (my family) of my dark past. I don't want them to feel shamed though I want justice for all the pain I felt. For years, I felt unloved, shamed by them. Today, I don't want to hurt them, I just want peace inside. I don't want to be told I lied when I know it happened. All I want is for all of us to heal and get a chance to be a family together. Though, to be sincere, I don't know how to start. I am afraid that they will pity me for what I revealed happened. I also fear that they will judged me and think that I am seeking revenge by forcing them to open their eyes. I don't want my dad to think I blame him or that I want him to yell at my mom for what she did under the influence of alcohol. Nor do I want my siblings to think I am seeking attention. I don't want my brother and sister to feel obligated to feel sorry though I want them to understand where I am coming from. I suppose I want my own "justice": acknowledgment of the pain I felt growing up. I want them to empathize with me. I want them to stop shaming me for wanting to get the truth out. I need the dark truth out as it has become a poison.
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