Feeling overwhelmed

I admit, I have not posted anything as I was going through my own personal turmoil in past few months. As I mentioned I decided to go back in therapy. Not that I regret it though it opened a new door I was not expecting. While I am definitely a ACOA individual, I thought I had no sense of self as I learned to be a people pleaser by having grown up with an alcoholic mother. While I am certain it is part of it, I discovered I "suffer" from Asperger's syndrome. The news hit me hard. On one hand, the diagnosis seems to be a blessing, it shed lights on so many questions I and my family had though on another hand, it also hurt. I always felt different though as I grew old, I couldn't avoid that my childhood had affected me. I have been diagnosed with PTSD for having grown up with an abusive alcoholic mother. Now, I am not trying to blame my diagnosis on my mother though this is where my thinking goes. Asperger's syndrome is a neurological and cognitive disorder. Being curious and especially needing to know everything about it (a trait of Asperger's), I wondered if Asperger's being a neurological disorder could have been caused by my mother's heavy drinking during her pregnancy. As I searched around for answers, I uncovered that my youngest brother was informed by a doctor that he suffers from Fetal Alcohol syndrome (has some facial characteristics as well as some other  neurological impairments). Anyhow, I searched for answers and uncovered that in the past few years, several researches attribute or rather admit that Asperger's syndrome has many similarities with Alcohol Related Neurodevelopmental Disorder. From what I read: "Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and Alcohol Related Neurodevelopmental Disorder fall under the category of Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders. As it is clearly stated, this is not to say that all autism is caused by alcohol though effectively, it is noted that there are many over lapses between both disorders. It seems in my opinion that alcohol could have been an environmental factor in my neurological disorder. I don't claim that it is for certain though I also can't help feeling angry at my mother for harming me. Her drinking may have led or contributed to my neurological disorder.

I wish I could prevent people from becoming alcoholics. I comprehend that nobody seeks to become an alcoholic. I don't judge as I think most alcoholics in my opinion hurt really bad and try to simply self-medicate through their consumption of alcohol. I just wish all out there who suffer would seek another remedy to their pain. I don't condemn anyone who turned to alcohol to sublime their pain, I actually wish they had help. I understand that my own mother had a difficult childhood and so did my grandfather and that both fell victims to alcohol as they tried to forget or literally drown their pain. I just wish the little boy that my grandpa had been could have gotten help as to avoid drinking. I also wish my mother had not had such a tough childhood and could have felt loved as to avoid seeking an escape through drinking. Today, thanks to ACOA, I learned to let go of my anger as I comprehend any alcoholic didn't intend to hurt their loved ones intentionally though I still struggle to let go of my anger toward the harm they inflicted on many of us.

On a note: I wish to praise all of us out there that had whether a difficult childhood (abuse), a traumatic experience (PTSD) and who despite the pain, chose to avoid drinking. I confess I thought at times that perhaps if so many found respite in drinking perhaps drinking could be a solution, though I chose not to as I feared repeating the cycle. In truth, I fear I would become an alcoholic if I got in the habit of drinking even just wine on occasion and I am especially haunted by the idea of ever becoming someone who could inflict harm on others whether physically, verbally or emotionally. I refuse to become the monster.