Truth is I worry and feel justified to be worried as feel I have no other choices: I am alone, I must prevail hence be proactive. Though, I need to let go. I can't change my past nor can I pretend that I feel less lonely today. I don't feel part of a family, though it doesn't mean I can't nor will I not have a family of my own one day. Part of me wants to say, I started my own family: I have my dogs. Though I know there is a difference: they are not humans. I may feel like they are part of my family: my kids as I care for them. However, I longed for human care and love. I want to be hugged, I want to feel the warmth of someone else's long embrace, I want to feel safe and loved in someone's arms...
I tend to worry about what will happen next, robbing me of the present moment.
Recently, I felt angry as someone I cared made me feel insecure. I came to realize I wanted more: wanted to be loved for who I am and as I am. Instead, I felt I wasn't good enough and I rebelled: got angry as I thought to myself: "I am not like that girl so I must be with the wrong person". At first, I felt I wasn't good enough then realized I disagreed and if "he" did not see what he had "me" then he did not deserve me and I would be better off finding someone that appreciates me for who I am and as I am. I am after all nothing like that "other girl". This rebellion is causing me to shut down, I don't particularly wants to be with "him" nor care as much. I simply start thinking I must do better: find better for myself. As if I deserve to find someone who takes me and appreciates me as I come.
His comments did hurt though not like you would think. I actually really don't think "she" was better, I know I am much slender and prettier, though it makes me think if he rather would like someone like her then I am wasting my time with him. I am after all far above her and if he doesn't see it then his lost. He may as well find someone more like her as I am certainly not. I am far more thinner. If he likes her fat ass and thighs then he should find someone like her while I find myself someone who appreciates me as I am: slim and petite. He simply does not deserve me.
What is sad, is I thought because we had so much in common, I was lucky. Truth is there are more people like me out there. I just haven't tried hard enough to find them.
No comments:
Post a Comment