I tend to live in my head. Many will say I overanalyze and overthink, not that they are wrong, though it is what I always did and do as a means to survive. I guess I learned to "overthink" as a means to attempt making sense of what chaos surrounded me growing up. How else could I comprehend why my own mother smothered me and strangled me. Of course, a part of me felt she was wrong though she was the adult, she had to know better so it was easier to convince myself that I must have done something to deserve such "punishment": I must be bad. I presume I learned to overthink and overanalyze until I could make "sense" of what happened on a daily basis. How else could I live under the same roof as my abuser. I had to justify it, I simply couldn't believe she didn't love me for no reason, I must have done something to make her so angry and for hurting me.
Truth is I didn't understand why and how she did it. I still remember her screaming that I lost the receipt for a Barbie she bought for a friend's daughter's birthday then grabbing me why I felt so confused. I never touched the doll nor the bag in which it was. How was it my fault? Then I remember her putting a pillow over my face (while I laid on the bed of my sister) and not being able to breath.
Did I hate her? I did, I was mad, upset then I remember once over and she left the room, thinking that it was so unfair but rapidly changing my thinking to "she is the adult, she must know better, I must have done something to deserve this". Still today, I know it wasn't my fault, never touched that "damn doll" though can't help but feel like I can't say I ever stopped feeling "guilt". A part of me refuses to let go and accept that she was "wrong". I mean she is my mom, how else would/could do this otherwise? It makes no sense.
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