Truth

Strangely enough, these past few days I had to face my own truth: I don't like myself. Not only did the holidays approaching reminded me of my turmoil from within (my past/childhood), my sponsor reminded me I was not doing the work, the lead at our meeting talked about denial... I simply could no longer pretend. So, I will say it: I have lived in denial by facility. Let be honest, do I like myself, how can I when I grew up being told how unloved I was. Well here is the truth: I took it with me: I am unlovable. Who will ever love me if my mom cannot love me? How can I love myself if my own mom does not love me?
Anyhow, another thought came through: I need to start living. I just watched a movie called "NOW IS GOOD" which reminded me how lucky I was to be alive. I tend to forget it as I get wrapped up in my own pain. The truth is "we" children of alcoholic live our lives in pain, we don't like ourselves as we don't even know ourselves, we live in fear...
I also thought this week that it was a bit hypocritical of I to wish my mother would seek help when myself who is aware I have a problem, won't or even refuse to get help. So, I dragged myself to a couple meetings and I admitted how I relied on denial as my friend to get by. Though, I also started to recognize it needs to cease. I need to start living my life, many are not as fortunate (are ill). Hence, me starting this entry as to make me accountable and acknowledge my deep desire to get well, to get on my journey to find myself, love myself, be happy, live life...