Tonight I attended a ACoA meeting. My eyes flooded with tears, as I confessed not loving myself, feeling unworthy of even helping myself get better. I admitted being scared as I was looking deep inside and felt that all these negative messages I heard while growing up felt right. I know better though and at same time I struggle helping myself. Moreover, I recognized my need to please others to the extent of ignoring what I want. As an end result, I feel lost, don't know who I am.
As others pointed out, perhaps I am so used to seeking control that by acting a certain way as I think others want me to, I think I can control what others think of me. In other words, perhaps subconsciously I fear so badly to be judged for who I am, that I rather hide behind masquerades. Anyhow, today I chose to free myself by walking the walk: I need to cease worrying what others may think of me and I absolutely need to cease acting as others expect me to act as in the end, all it does is hurting me as I forget to be myself: hence feel lost.
I need to remember that if I am not being honest with myself, then I don't allow myself the freedom to be who I am, regardless of what others think.
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