Truth is hard to admit

I live in fear and in the shadow of my past. I recently turned 29 years old and admitted I was in pain. Truth is I am an Adult Children of Alcoholic. Like many of us, I recognized myself into the traits listed in the laundry list. At first, I didn't want to admit it then I experienced relief as I slowly came to realize I wasn't alone to feel the pain. Today, following my sponsor's advice, I will attempt to journal my thoughts as a means to relieve my pain and better comprehend what happened along my journey that led me to experience so much pain. In other words, I wish to begin freeing myself of my past and fears that trapped me from finding happiness. 

My own laundry list:

1. I don't know who I am, feel lost.
2. I live in fears.
3. I "hate" angry people.
4. I seek approval from others.
5. I am a people pleaser. 
6. I worry about others over myself. 
7. I feel guilty when standing up for myself.
8. I "love" people I wish to rescue.
9. I "hate" and avoid at all cost my own feelings. 
10. I judge myself harshly and have a very low self-esteem.
11. I fear abandonment and will do almost anything to avoid it. 
12. Never felt loved nor do I believe I am worthy of love. 
13. I struggle with authority figures and fear criticisms. 
14. I am terrified to admit I am vulnerable and need help. 

Truth is I hurt. I fear looking at myself as feel guilt and shame from my past. My childhood affected me more than I wish to admit. Feel helpless and fear what others will think if confess I am not strong. 

I wish to set myself free from pain and find happiness within myself. I am exhausted playing someone I am not. I wish to be true to myself and stop pretending I am fine. Truth is I hurt and I need to help myself: nurture my inner child.