Fear

My beloved dog who taught and gave me unconditional love, recently passed away. Since his passing, I tried to pretend I was okay by running away from the pain. 

I also came to realize that I keep running away from my past and the pain associated to it. Everytime, I fear something, I avoid it as I am afraid. 

I am angry, I hurt. I feel so broken and at the same time I feel I have no right to feel “sorry” for myself. 

Loved ones who I view and consider as “parents” mentioned that I put myself in bad situations to get hurt. As with my family, I still want their love and expect a different outcome when I interact with them. Instead, I am left feeling “lonely, unloved, hurt and angry”. 

A few people who overheard how my family speak “yell” to me and each commented how unhealthy this is and question why I keep putting myself in such situations where I am left feeling hurt. Truth be told, I get hurt then angry and then justify it as I feel this “obligation” to keep trying. Though if I am honest, I know it won’t change. So why? Because I am afraid to be unloved by my “family”. 

I think we all want to feel loved by our “close family” (parents, siblings and grandparents) as otherwise we question how could anyone else love us. 

My dog made me feel I was not alone as we were family. Now that he is gone, I struggle. 

When I get scared or hurt, I run (I avoid reality) and I often choose anger to regain a false sense of control. 

Truth be told, I felt like a little kid all over again as my family was yelling at me last week. I cried as I felt unloved. The pain I felt reminded me how my past was still affecting my present. 

Other relatives who are the closest to parent figures, I think of them as parents, reminded me that I could detach myself by putting space with my family. I want to stop hurting, as such I need to walk away and face my fear. I need to be alone. 

 And I need to ask for help to start healing.