Nightmares

Recently, I am having to face one of my fears: not so much being alone but how I felt growing up. I shared not long ago that I finally admitted to myself that I was struggling within regarding how I felt with my parents.  I mentioned that I came to say I felt "not cared for" as if "I did not matter to them". Well, while many of us struggle to put at bay our past, I am certain some of you will sympathize as I share I have nightmares. I was told last springs, I was having night terrors, I would wake up covered in sweat and or in tears. While my insomnia helped me avoid having any sort of dreams, as I am taking a sleeping aid, the nightmares reappear. Two nights ago, I woke up during the night, crying tears as I felt the pain all over again. I would be with my parents though I would feel so alone and suddenly the pain associated with how much I wanted to feel loved by them takes over. Now, I am relieving in my dreams my past though instead of just being scared, I actually feel what I used to feel though pretended all these past years I had shut down. While part of me is "upset" I feel that perhaps this is an opportunity for growth. Isn't there a saying about having to face our fears to move on? While I confess I wish I could avoid the nightmares, I wonder if I am finally ready to face my past. I comprehend I won't be ever able to change the past though I can control the present and my future. I don't want to live in the past or controlled by my fear.

I tried in the past "EMDR" though in my opinion, I was to scare to reopen my wounds. I wouldn't dare peeking at my deepest and darkest secrets I took years to bury deep within and convinced myself never happened. Am I ready to face my own demons? I am not saying that we all should or can though I am suspecting I am at a point in my life, where perhaps I am more "strong" or rather more "mature" (in the sense I acquired new skills) to confront my past and let go of the pain. I look at my tears as evidence that my past did indeed hurt me more than I want to admit. As a teenager, I used to think I was covered in layers as if I was trapped inside a fortress. I simply refused to be vulnerable, so I had an armor on that nobody could pierce. Today, I want to fly out of my own imprisonment. I want to get out of the dark and fly out to the light. I want to enjoy life and cease fearing that at any given moment someone is out there to get me. I must say the mantra: "I am okay" has helped me and opened my eyes to a new vision: a brighter future.

I can't change the past and what happened in my childhood, nor can I forget the events though I can free myself of the pain by facing my fear. While the tears would normally make me feel vulnerable, on the opposite, this time, I felt empowered. I knew they were a clue to myself: I still hurt from my childhood. I feel that perhaps allowing myself to feel my pain is me helping the child stuck within me. I always thought I was not to speak of the past as instructed though I recognize today that I must face my pain in order to move on.

I can change how I perceive nightmares. I can view myself as helpless and powerless over them or I can see nightmares as clues into my psyche as I go forward in my journey to heal and free myself.