In the past few months, I had to face my own emotions. Something I struggle with as I tend to avoid feelings. This made me realize that I am more afraid of being hurt. Growing up I felt unloved, I believed that I was unlovable, that something had to be wrong with me, as I felt rejected by my mother. I comprehend today that my mother's alcoholism was a factor in it and my father's denial of the abuse contributed to my feeling "alone". Truth be said, I am more afraid of being happy than not. You see, I want to feel loved though I fear if I experience it and "lose" it then I will hurt once again. I can't risk it. Can I? I want to pretend that I am fine and I am willing to take a leap of faith though truth be told, I am terrified. Caring for someone else implies that I am vulnerable "emotionally", something I fear as I don't want to feel the pain I know. Growing up, I felt abandoned by my parents, I felt lonely and it hurt. Today, I fear being "rejected" and I am afraid to trust someone else with my heart. I mean I have learned at a young age that people will disappoint me.
I must confess though that there is someone who has challenged me. I believe he has done the impossible, he has brought back "hope" that I can have a happy ending though I am terrified. I am afraid I will mess it up somehow and as such I want to run away despite wanting to do the exact opposite. I am not sure I know how to handle the truth that I like him. I don't want to feel vulnerable by caring this much for someone. I am afraid to be hurt and feel the pain of my childhood. So, I admit I am afraid to love.
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