Anger

 I worried if I put my thoughts down, it meant I was giving in to my fear. I realized that trying to pretend I could control my pain was a mistake. 

Ask anyone who suffers from PTSD and they will tell you they would do anything to forget as to move on. My reality is I still live in fear. In constant fear.

I thought if I ignored my thoughts and shut down my emotions I could somehow feel in control. Hence, I didn’t share any posts as I truly believed if I didn’t write it down then I was in control: could pretend it didn’t affect me. 

Today, truly a result of culmination, I was told “I was angry”. It took me by surprise, I thought I had been so good at hiding my pain and fear. Though I must admit, while I was surprised, I came to realize it was true. I was carrying so much anger within me, which I tried to shut down. 

Then the tormentor called and this time, I faced my truth. I was angry and wanted to stop pretending. I lost it and this time admitted how angry I was as I was still in pain. The words came out and I admitted having so much anger and being tired of the pain. I told the hulk how I used to pray that she would love herself enough to stop drinking. I told her how I appreciate that she admitted “hating me” since I was a toddler as she felt rejected (I have autism) (she told me that as a toddler I didn’t want to be touched or hold and would give her that look to not touch me, she felt rejected and from this moment on. she started to hate me). Well, it didn’t change, I reminded her that on the rare occasion I saw her, she made it clear how much she doesn’t love me and as such, I was hurt and I hated her now too. I mentioned how I wish I wouldn’t care but felt guilt as I wanted to be a good daughter and love my mom, instead I was angry and hated her for all the pain. 

I recently came across a fictional portraying of an individual victimized as a child who 20 years later sought revenge. When asked if she felt guilt, she said no and commented that everyday even on her better day, she was still scarred by the trauma. I cried as I can relate. There isn’t a day, that my pain isn’t with me. I live in fear and continually pretend I am okay. Don’t get me wrong, I am aware that i must be grateful as the abuse is over. Though is it really? I still have flashback, nightmare and the pain is with me. So am I really free? 

I hate when people say people with trauma are survivors. Are we? I feel trapped, never truly feel safe. Always, expecting the worse. I am still a prisoner of my fear.  

Anyone who experienced trauma will tell you, we didn’t survive, we are stuck to relieve it over and over. 

My grandfather was a so called “survivor” of the concentration camp but in my opinion he didn’t survive. He had nightmares through the end of his life, relieving the trauma over and over. 

I don’t trust others and I live in fear. I can’t sleep without relieving trauma. Waking up at times in tears and in panic until I realized I am “here” that it isn’t happening again. I certainly don’t feel I am a survivor instead I feel so powerless and angry I can’t be freed from the trauma.