Pain and fear have controlled me for so long. I get angry and react. I recently admitted how exhausted I was to constantly fight to “survive”.
I was so afraid that I couldn’t see that others were by my side to help me. Fear blinded me.
As I struggle, I decided to surrender and ask for help. To my surprise, the moment I gave up trying to be in control, I realized how I was not alone. Others had my back.
Years ago as I attended ACOA meetings, I was told that I needed to surrender to a higher power. I struggled with this idea that a higher power had my back and as such felt I had to be in control at all times. Years later, I am still struggling, I react out of fear and most importantly my need to feel in control has led me to have a false sense of safety.
I tried to convince myself I was NOT angry though as my world recently seem to crumble, i felt overwhelmed by fear, anxiety and suddenly felt how “angry” I was. I latched out though felt guilt as I know that being angry does not justify harming others.
My fear and anger come from pain.
I realize now that to truly let go, I need to learn to forgive. My anger is holding me back and my fear is leading me to take a path that is looping over and over.
I recently heard “you won’t is not the same as you can’t”. This resonated with me as I realize that I constantly tell myself I can’t when in reality I am the one who won’t.
If I am truly ready to let go of my past, pain, anger and fear, then I need to surrender my false sense of control and accept help while working on healing.
I am committed to working on 3 things:
1) surrendering and accepting I am not in control 2) transform fear to faith 3) practice forgiveness
Ultimately, I am choosing LOVE.
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