Over the last year, I thought I came a long way. It seemed to me that I had come to accept my parents as they were, not knowing better as they each repeated the shortcoming from their own childhood.
In the last two days, I came to learn that indeed things that I remembered and was told I had exaggerated and invented, did indeed happen. While, I must say that on one hand, I felt vindicated as I now knew I was not insane and had been telling the truth all along, I now am left with dealing with the raw emotions. You see as I was told over and over that I was lying as according to my family, the events I recalled had supposedly never occurred, I was unable to deal with the emotions associated to them. I was tucked feeling alone and doubting myself even though I felt I wasn't crazy, I knew deep inside these incidents had happened. I was stucked trying to get them to admit they had wronged me. I simply wanted the truth to come out as somehow I felt it would free me. Though until two days ago, I had no idea how the truth would actually force me to deal with my pain. Now, instead I feel torn. I am left knowing I was right and not crazy, though now I am also left having to deal with the aftermath. How do I heal in my mind the wrongs that were done to myself as a child. I can't rewrite the past and as an adult, I comprehend these wrongs were rather horrific. Truth is I realize I was not prepared to deal with the pain that would resurface. How do I comfort my inner kid and make sense of these incidents. Do I pretend that because these incidents happened in the past, it is now over and so I can move on? I don't believe it works that simply. It seems that I can accept my family denied these incidents as a way to cover up the shame associated with them. On my end, I feel they wronged me now twice. Plus, now that I know for a fact, they happened, I am forced to face the reality of the wrongs done. How do I feel about them? I feel overwhelmed. In order to let go, don't I need to process what happened as to move on?
The above was written over a week ago, I did not alter it nor will. I chose not to post it until I learned how to deal with it. Today, I feel confident that I know better. I don't believe I have to process it, I simply must learn to "accept" it. The events I recalled did happen, though I need to accept I can't change the past nor can I pretend that I am okay but it is over. I had to face how I felt, then I had to ask myself one thing: Why was it bothering/hurting me? I was obsessed that I could not change the outcome: it happened, I could not erase them. I could certainly learn to "ACCEPT" it happened and there was nothing I could do today to erase them or change the past. Then I could ask for help as I worked (courage) to change how I felt about them. I could only change how much power I gave these events on my well being and how I reacted to them. Last, I came to gain perspective (wisdom) that there was a difference: there were things I could change and others I wouldn't be able to change.
I could work on accepting the truth that my family would not apologize. As much as I wanted them to do so or even thought I could fix the pain by it, I was wrong. It would not change the past. Then, I had to face how I felt: "overwhelmed" and "hurt". I was obviously fixated on it. Was it helping me? No, I was feeling wronged again. So I worked to change how I reacted to it. I accepted I had been hurt, I also accepted I would not get an apology and hoping for one was setting me up for disappointment and more pain. I needed to cease "hoping" and instead "seek what I could indeed change". I chose to cease all communication with my parents. I did not have to pick up the phone to be yelled and belittled. I could regain some control on my present. I did not need to relive my past over and over. I am determined to stop the cycle of pain.
My spouse was another stressor, I accepted I became as codependent of him than of my parents. If they were drugs, I needed to stop all contacts as it only caused me more harm. I never took drugs, though I suspect while drugs may feel good at first to users, the aftermath is worst. Like alcohol, I understand people enjoy the buzz but not so much the hangover. If I didn't want the hangover, I must not take that first sip such as not engaging with my parents and spouse.
I am grateful to have gain the wisdom to accept the reality: I could not change anyone other than me.
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