Who are we truly? Self-instropection

Tonight, I attended a meeting and as always I left with more questions than answers. Though in retrospect, I think I left with new clues to explore and that may get me closer to my journey.

I admitted that I am terrified to look at myself and find out who truly I am. All I know in my mind is that I feel obligated to please others. Hence, I take on the many roles that I must. Though after tonight, I realize or rather admit to myself that I did take on these roles voluntarily. Nobody forced me to do it, perhaps their behaviors encouraged me to do so but I wasn't coerced into it.

This led me to explore what role I took on as a child: "Hero", "Scapegoat", "Caretaker" or "Lost Child"? Can I recognize myself or am I projecting what I want to believe.

To be honest, I feel confused. I can recognize some trait in almost each. I expected it to be clear as if once I knew I could follow steps to undo it. Of course, it isn't that simple.

So who am I? Well, let's look at myself as a child and as an adult today. [Using Roles in Dysfunctional Families by Robert Burney M.A. - referred in http://adultchildrenaca.blogspot.com blog entry on Roles in Dysfunctional Families -
http://adultchildrenaca.blogspot.com/2007/01/roles-in-dysfunctional-families.html]

As a child, I definitely was the lost child "This child escapes by attempting to be invisible. They daydream, fantasize, read a lot of books or watch a lot of TV. They deal with reality by withdrawing from it. They deny that they have any feelings and "don't bother getting upset."

I also recognized myself as the scapegoat "This is the child that the family feels ashamed of - and the most emotionally honest child in the family. He/she acts out the tension and anger the family ignores. This child provides distraction from the real issues in the family."

Of course I perfectly played the role of the family hero as well "This is the child who is "9 going on 40." This child takes over the parent role at a very young age, becoming very responsible and self-sufficient. They give the family self-worth because they look good on the outside. They are the good students"

However, as an adult I became the perfect mix of all 4 "caretaker", "scapegoat", "family hero" and "lost child". 

Caretaker as an adult:
"This child becomes an adult who is valued for their kind heart, generosity, and ability to listen to others. Their whole self-definition is centered on others and they don't know how to get their own needs met. They become adults who cannot receive love, only give it. They often have case loads rather than friendships - and get involved in abusive relationships in an attempt to "save" the other person. They go into the helping professions and become nurses, and social workers, and therapists. They have very low self-worth and feel a lot of guilt that they work very hard to overcome by being really "nice" (i.e. people pleasing, classically codependent) people." This is so me today! Okay, first thing is to remind myself "knowledge" is the first step toward recovery. 

Scapegoat as an adult: 
"These children are usually the most sensitive and caring which is why they feel such tremendous hurt. They are romantics who become very cynical and distrustful. They have a lot of self-hatred and can be very self-destructive. This often results in this child becoming the first person in the family to get into some kind of recovery."

Family Hero as an adult:
"The family hero, because of their "success" in conforming to dysfunctional cultural definitions of what constitutes doing life "right", is often the child in the family who as an adult has the hardest time even admitting that there is anything within themselves that needs to be healed." As a young adult, I lived in denial as long as I could until my PTSD acted out and was forced to pretend my past didn't happen. 

Lost Child as an adult:
"These children grow up to be adults who find themselves unable to feel and suffer very low self-esteem. They are terrified of intimacy and often have relationship phobia. They are very withdrawn and shy and become socially isolated because that is the only way they know to be safe from being hurt. A lot of actors and writers are 'lost children' who have found a way to express emotions while hiding behind their characters." I struggle socially, I isolated myself from others as I don't trust and fear to get hurt.